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    • #125640
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hello ladies,

      This is my first post on this forum, I’m going through some feelings that I can’t really discuss with anyone else so I am hoping some of you will be able to help me unpick them?

      Me and my emotional and physical abusive ex broke up (detail removed by Moderator) ago. We were together (detail removed by Moderator) years, and spent nearly everyday together within that timeframe. I loved him a lot, I’m not sure if it was real due to the trauma bond but the bond was ridiculous strong.

      I began healing, I have been doing yoga, reaching out for help from domestic abuse charities etc and I was doing really well (compared to the suicidal state I was when I left him). In (detail removed by Moderator) he got in contact a lot, and it re-traumatised me – this included coersing me to meet up with him – which I did once for a short period of time – it was hell. I made it clear I didn’t want anything to do with him, and he needed to stop contacting me. I changed my number, my social media handles and blocked any mutual friends between us and reported it to the police.

      One thing that really hit me is, while he was harassing me he was seeing someone new. A girl he didn’t really have feelings for but just saw her briefly to fill the void of me (supposedly). This was a massive massive shock. A lot of feelings popped up the first being, I was worried about her safety, the second I felt heartbreak, very severe painful heartbreak and physically sick at the thought of my ex with someone new. She had been around my old group of friends, my old bedroom with him, playing with mine and my ex’s cat etc. I hate her. I absolutely hate her. He was the love of my life, and now she was with him.

      I feel ridiculously, absolutely ridiculous because I know I did the right thing by leaving him. I know that relationship will not benefit me at all, I know that it is a fantasy that he will change etc. I know that if I stayed I’d most likely end up dead which is why I left.

      Although I had left this relationship a while ago, it feels like knowing this girl had been in his life, the life me and my ex once shared really hit home that me and my ex are over. Like absolutely over, which again is a really good thing. It just hurts so much, I feel fragile and heartbroken. I don’t know how to get out of this state, it’s not a past memory so I can’t store it, it’s happened recently. Is this just the trauma bond?

      Any advice would be really appreciated.

      Thank you

    • #125658
      Watersprite
      Participant

      I’m not sure if you can relate to this but for me I think allowing ourselves to grieve the person we thought they were, hoped they were, our dreams of our future, and for some the good bits. Sitting with those feeling is acutely painful and the grief is complex the loss of someone who was so so abusive doesn’t feel like we should. He won’t change he will be the same once the mask slips. Grieve what you should have been but thank your lucky stars he is no longer your problem. Grief is normal it will move you further along your healing x

    • #125674
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Hi cheeryroses
      I agree with watersprite, its a process that you must got through to recover. The best thing to help would be to educate yourself on abuse so you atleast understand whats going on and don’t feel alone. I highly recommend the book Healing from hidden abuse by shannon thomas-its on audible.
      I think you should count yourself very lucky you are out of this relationship, don’t forget that, you are safe, you are free. Now you can truly heal and work on yourself. I wish i was out already.
      Take care of yourself, constantly treat yourself with lovely long baths etc.

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