This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Tobfree 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #87823

    Im trying to learn about trauma bonding
    So that i can get out away from him and heal bit by bit
    Its the most awful cycle to be in
    the love bombing went on for years and years making me believe he was the one

    he can be so supportive caring kind then stuff u have confided in him trusted him he uses it like weapons to cut u hurt u brake u down

    the last few years have been hell
    as i was more on to his mind games and guilt trips blame gas lighting silent treatment with holding affection n love
    so i started to take back control bit by bit

    then everything got worse theres much more criticisms gaslighting guilt trips blaming yet still trys to act like the good guy the hero all ways helping yet his intent is not to help its to make me dependant on him

    Ive heard of trauma bonding and i am sure this is happening cos the bullying intimidation coercion blame guilt trips manipulation the threats it over if i dont do this or this
    All ways he wants to be having control even if it seems as if he being nice

    Heard about trauma bonding how can u escape from men like this safely
    And is there ways to heal from trauma bonding and abuse

  • #87831

    Hi tobfree,

    Welcome to this amazing forum.

    It sounds just like my husband!!

    I’m dealing with trauma bonding at the moment and it’s a toughy! On a scientific perspective, it’s the brain craving the domapine released when they go from being horrible to loving. I became very dependent on my husband and I am really struggling but there’s some amazing women on here that will tell you it does and will get better.

    From what I’ve read about getting over DA, self care and trauma counselling seems to be the way to go. Recovery time is also different for each person and the longer you are exposed to the trauma of DA the longer it’s meant to take.

    There must be loads on here about trauma bonding – have a good read. There’s also loads on the net.

    Also, have you spoken to anyone at Women’s Aid or your local DA support? They can be really helpful.

    Good luck and I hope you find the information you need. Xx

  • #87836

    Hi Tobfree, I’m not the best person to give you advice as I’m only really learning all about this myself but I can talk about my experience and your situation is so similar to mine with my husband.

    I managed to get out for a little while and it took the right timing and a lot of strength – he text me when he was at work telling me to get out as he didn’t like me going out the night before. Normally I would of called and begged him to listen to me and try to reason with him, but I thought enough was enough, I’m not going on that rollercoaster ride again, so I grabbed a few of my bits straight away and drove to my parents.

    The trouble is I was just not strong enough to stay away and I’m now back in the same cycle and it feels even worse because I now see what’s going on, yet my heart still feels like it wants to love and protect him. I’m evening blaming myself thinking I’m the one who is the problem.

    They seem to love control, so when they see you start taking some control back of the situation and grab on to the little bit of strength you have, I feel it only fuels them to up their game.

    My husband tears me down then when I can’t take no more and I am on a verge of a breakdown, he will switch and go all sympathetic, showing me a load of affection saying that he’d be lost without me, how much he loves me, how amazing I am etc.

    I feel like every loving gesture they give us is not out of pure love for us, it’s a weapon they can then use in their game and something we can use to plant in our heads to create this perfect picture of them.

    When I managed to have that time separated from him I found that it helped loads writing everything down. I had a little luck on my side in terms of that when I managed to lock myself away from my husbands emotional rage, he would go on to text me all the nasty stuff then switch when he felt the time was right and text all the “nice” stuff… so I could go back easily and build a timeline which really brought to life the pattern.

    I also went counselling which kind of helped. I did a lot of inner work which gave me some strength but I also discovered I am one of those people who likes to “fix” people and forget about giving myself that love and care… I think this is why I am now back with him – a part of me still cares for my husband and when he starts feeling sorry for himself, I just want to hug and protect him even if he was literally screaming in my face with rage a few moments before – it’s fills the void.

    I really don’t know how to bring myself to escape this another time. The bond I have with him is still so strong, even though I feel stronger in myself. In the meantime I’m just trying to show myself more love with the tools my counsellor gave me along with meditation as that helps me loads.

    Sending you big hugs xx

  • #87936

    Thanks for your replies ladies

    Im still getting out bit by bit even though i have made the decision to leave escape im doing it very carefully

    By first making sure i have support in all the areas i need support in from family friends in stead of him
    And im keeping my self busy

    Theres so many more ways of healing giving ur brain the love hit it needs

    Then the cycle of trauma bonding gets broke bit by bit

    Its not easy no matter how much we spend time with friends n family

    Yet to me im not going to get sucked in again
    Cos the man i fell in love with never existed it was just an act n love bombing

    He pained an illusion out of lies and deception and his own selfish wants

    Maybe real love in a man exists maybe one day i will have the loving partner i deserve

    And until then im getting out very carefully

    As the more they realise u are trying to take back control the worse abuse gets thrown at u n done to u

    The blame the guilt trips the gas lighting the vindictiveness the pure nasty abuse that leaves us feeling like we been hit with a train a thousand mile an hour
    Stay safe ladies keep posting so we can support one another xxxx

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