Trauma Bonding – explains such a lot.

[BeigeFiesta]

In essence, I was raped by my first husband over (detail removed by Moderator) ago; I couldn’t leave my home or my dog; I had alienated myself from my family acrimoniously to marry him. I was isolated and completely controlled by him and his parents. I tried to escape some months after the rape, by going into (detail removed by Moderator) but that only lasted (detail removed by Moderator) months when I gave it up, simultaneously becoming pregnant by him immediately.
In the year before the rape, I began to recognise that something was wrong with our relationship, he treated me like a possession that he owned. In contrast, I was working with someone who was complementary and actually interested in me as a person, I enjoyed our working relationship but that was as far as it went, although we used to go for lunchtime drinks as a part of a group from our workplace. I never so much as held hands with this person. My husband was very suspicious and ordered me to go on a holiday with his family. It was during this time that ‘it’ happened. Now after reading a little about trauma bonding, I’m absolutely certain that this is what kept me with him. That and also that my ‘friend’ left the place of work for another job and so my ‘temptation’ was gone.
Two years after the ‘rape’ I gave birth to our first child, for a while I was happy, then one day I bumped into my ‘old friend’ who had been complimentary to me and I instantly wished that the child I was carrying was his. With hindsight, how could I have been really happy if those were my thoughts. Life snowballed afterwards, ‘it’ takes over your existence doesn’t it. After four children I left him but the price I had to pay was that three of the children wanted to stay with him, I couldn’t talk about the rape from years previously, neither could I tell them that he had tried to rape me again recently while they slept. So here I am today, still traumatised by the events nearly (detail removed by Moderator) ago. Hopefully the Freedom Programme will help me, I can only try and put an end to the pain and anguish I still feel, once and for all.

[Lisa]

Hi BeigeFiesta,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the support you are looking for here. Well done for reaching out to the Freedom Programme; I hope it helps.

You might also find contacting Rape Crisis for support helpful. You can find their website here. They have online support, local centres, a national helpline as well as helpful tools on their website. Please do take a look if you haven’t already.

Keep posting to us when you can. There will always be support here from others who understand about what you have been through and how you are feeling.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[KIP.]

I just wanted to say well done for reaching out for help. My husband raped me too. It’s horrifying to think someone we trusted would betray that trust so badly. Yes trauma bonding answers many questions. So does cognitive dissonance, gas lighting and grooming. I’m estranged from my son too. We can only hope that one day our children will be old enough to understand. Meantime, like on an aircraft, put your own oxygen mask on, get yourself well, then think about helping your children. Play the long game. I reported my ex for the rapes. It’s something to consider for the future. Rape crisis have a great helpline and so do women’s aid. The number is on here x

[BeigeFiesta]

Recently I have thought about reporting the ‘historic’ event but I’m waivering (not brave enough??) I don’t for one minute think there will be a conviction due to the time delay and lack of evidence, however, I really don’t think I can turn away from the perpetual, darkness that creeps up on me, unless I seek some judicial investigation. Some days I just want to shut my eyes and never wake up.

[KIP.]

Seek out some good counselling. Don’t write off justice. If other women report these men then justice is,possible. They very often have repeated that behaviour with other women. Take your time and heal yourself first. I don’t regret reporting the historic abuse. It’s on record now and not my problem anymore x

[Author]

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