Trauma bonds

[Boundbythesun]

Last year I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. In (detail removed by moderator) we had our first physical fight. In the months that followed there were several more incidents. On one occasion, I phoned my doctor because I was suicidal, I had no family and no friends to talk to, I was isolated from everyone and my doctor called the police. However, like many women, I went back to my ex. When I was interview with the police I refused to talk. I refused to give his name. I lied and said we had no contact and I was fine.

A few months after that we broke up and I started therapy. Once I gained a little more confidence, I rang the police again stating I wanted to report him properly. By this time it was over (detail removed by moderator) since he last assaulted me. A policeman came to speak to me and I lied again. I said we were not in contact. This time however, I provided his name and address. The policeman said he could go and speak to my ex, but I asked him not to. I thought I was stronger than I was. The police man told me if we are not in contact, and we have broken up, I should effectively get over it and move on. This knocked my confidence so much I cried for days.

All this time I could still not bring myself to block my ex and cut him out. I even told my ex I had given his name to the police. He did not care. He knew he still had a lot of power over me. My therapist told me I developed a trauma bond. A modern term for Stockholm’s syndrome and it was that which was preventing me from cutting him out. So fast forward to today, I am miserable. My ex blocked me on everything, which is good, right? But it tortures me every day knowing I did not have the strength to report him when he hurt me. I am surrounded by friends and family, I have a good job and on the outside you could say I’m like any other (detail removed by moderator)-something year old girl. But my life has been on hold since I met him, and now he is walking free, and this trauma bond between us is still there. I hate him more than words can express, and the worst part is, if he contacted me again, or if I bumped into him in the street, I would fall back into it all over again.

I have been in therapy for months. It is not like the films, there has been no miraculous closure. I keep reading reports of domestic abuse and documentaries where the victim wins, the abuser goes to jail and life goes on. But what if he does not go to jail? What if the girl he broke last year tried to report him, got shot down, and spends most of her time now drowning in “what if’s”? I am struggling to live a normal life, whatever normal is after a domestically abusive relationship. He is walking free, living his life and enjoying it. It should be me.

It has been (detail removed by moderator) exactly since. I have spent (detail removed by moderator) wondering what would have happened if I had just reported him at the time. Because now it is too late and I just don’t know what to do anymore. He is a dangerous man and if he hurts someone again, it will destroy me knowing I could have stopped it. I don’t know what to do.

[maddog]

Please start by phoning Women’s Aid and finding a local service. Even though you haven’t made a statement your contact with the police will be on record. He will most likely go on and abuse someone else. You need to work on yourself. At the time of the attack you were probably too enveloped to be able to report him. Many years ago my ex punched me and the police asked me if I wanted to press charges. It all sounded terrifying so I said no.

[KIP.]

Hi there, just wanted to welcome you. Please speak to a domestic abuse police officer. You are entitled to make a statement of the abuse you suffered. Your statement may actually corroborate another victim or another victim may be able to corroborate your statement. It’s very often how these men are prosecuted in the future when multiple victims come forward. So when you are in the right frame of mind, start writing your own statement of all the abusive episodes to the nearest date. This will the police. Speak to your local women’s aid for support, perhaps someone there would accompany you tomthe police station if necessary. There are some good YouTube videos that may be helpful. I like Sarah Speaks. Please know that you won’t ever get the closure you’re looking for from an abuser. It took me almost two years to really believe that he couldn’t persuade me to come back (I was with mine for decades). I called him Rasputin because of the pull he had over me. So please know what you’re feeling is normal in trauma bonding but it can be broken. Ask yourself deep down what would really happen if you did go back to him? Nothing would change. He would simply take the power back from you. Meantime try to distract yourself with new things in your life to fill that huge gaping hole that abusers leave. Rekindling old relationships and working on the ones around you is a good place to start. It’s going to take time but you will get there. Zero contact and time and plenty tlc x

[KIP.]

Try not to thinks about what could have happened if you report him. You were not in the right place back then. It takes a lot to report these men and very often it boils down to not enough evidence to charge them with so nobody knows that outcome. You may have reported him then retracted your statement or decided you were too afraid to traumatised to follow through. Good counselling is very important so seek out someone egos to talk things through x

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