21st April 2021 at 6:43 pm #125040
Hi beautiful Angels,
I just wanted to share something with you that has taken me back a bit today. I have been out of my abusive relationship for nearly (detail removed by moderator) now and always knew as soon as my ex started to be abusive I had to leave … there was no attachment to him, apart from I felt a bit sorry for him that he was so messed up… but the time I was with him was always about survival and getting myself strong enough to leave the mad house we lived in. He wasn’t my true love, he was more like a life lesson.
After I left I met a man who over the last (detail removed by moderator) I have had a romantic relationship with, an on and off relationship and a friendship… this man is not aggressive or violent. However he does have quite a few issues of his own. He is inconsistent and uncommitted. This is hugely frustrating to me and I struggle back and forth with the ‘love’ I have for him, which causes me great sadness.
Its like we just can’t find our groove with each other, we don’t argue or fight and we do get on, but then it fizzles out, only for it all to start over again.
I do feel I give him more than he gives me, but I excuse that and say that’s just how he is, he’s a busy man.
So today when again I was discussing this with my soul mentor, she suggested it was a trauma bond… I was completely shocked!
How could this have happened, I have survived an abusive relationship with a violent and controlling man, who shouted all the time, which I don’t think I had a trauma bond with only to come out of it to form one with a guy that is actually not abusive but through having him in my life I have been abusing myself … I cant believe I didn’t see it, it was so completely subtle because of his gentle calm manner.
Anyway I do feel better that I have now identified the problem and this afternoon listen to a great little book on audible called Trauma Bonding By Lauren Kozlowski… its only just over an hour and a half long and its explains things really simply so I really recommend listening to it or reading it if you can.
I guess now I have to start another journey of acknowledging this is not love and implement no contact. I feel blindside!!
Sending you all love and support my Angels
22nd April 2021 at 9:23 am #125064beachhutParticipant
Have read your post with interest. As we all know abuse comes in many shapes and forms, and our tolerance levels of such things are all different. Do you think that your relationship with the new man after you left your partner, became more of a habit that you got used to and not the kind of relationship you were hoping for. Sometimes I think we get used to things that we do and do not really question if they are the right things, or healthy for us and it is easy to go along with it as we cannot see that it may be having a negative impact on our life.
I hope you can now start to move on from this experience and just use it as a life lesson, we are never to old to learn.
Take care of you, beachhutXx
22nd April 2021 at 7:13 pm #125078
Hi my darling, thank you for your reply.
I think because my abusive relationship was so extreme, this new man seemed like a walk in the park compared to him.
But somewhere along the line I got attached to him in a way that was unhealthy. I feel his behaviour validated all the things I didn’t like about myself and brought back the weaknesses that had led me to abuse in my first partner.
When I felt low, its like the new guy just reinforced this by not returning my calls for days or stuff like that.
I now feel much stronger again, now I know what I am dealing with and have quickly detached myself from him. But I do recognise that I need to step up my self love work in certain areas so this doesn’t happen again.
I really appreciate your support Beachhut and you are right, we are never to old to learn … and we never learn it all!!
Sending you continued love and support
23rd April 2021 at 5:31 am #125095EmpoweredhealingParticipant
Hi Darcy, inconsistencies and lack of commitment stems from emotional unavailability. I think abusive relationships and neglectful ones have this in common. We have to love ourselves enough to choose those who are not only non-abusive but also consistent, kind, open and available.
But you are doing a stellar job in working on self love and self care. So kudos for recognizing it early and letting these kind of relationships/people go.
23rd April 2021 at 8:56 am #125102
Hi my beautiful Angel … Empoweredhealing,
Thank you for your kind words, you said that beautifully… I really feel like a weight has been lifted. It was so hard to pin point when it was so subtle.
A man that shouts and hits is easier to spot, but as we know the emotional abuse is just as harmful to our self love, self worth and self respect.
23rd April 2021 at 11:09 am #125115MeAgainParticipant
Sending you love and support. So sorry your having to do this and well done for relizing and taking action, it’s not easy. All my love x*x
23rd April 2021 at 6:03 pm #125141
Thank you … Meagain
Sending you my love and support xx
24th April 2021 at 2:18 pm #125177EggshellsParticipant
Yes, it can be really difficult to spot and it creeps in so slowly that it kind of sneaks up on you. You spotted it! So pleased you have felt that weight lift. It’s a wonderful feeling isn’t it? xx
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