Trauma turning into abuse

[Lilypink]

I feel like I’ve hit such a rock bottom today and completely lost it at my parents. It feels as if despite the fact that I’ve been through such a traumatic time in my abusive marriage and had the courage to leave at year ago. I thought moving in with them would give me some stability but it’s making my trauma worse. Trigger points of things that they say, my lack of trust, questioning their motives, always feeling like their criticising my parenting, which some of the time they are. It feels like they’re so hard me on emotionally, telling me that trying to deal with a cranky toddler and dealing with my own day to things should be manageable- only it’s not when someone has been through abuse. I then lash out at them and completely lost the plot today. Told them to *iss off, that I hate them, that they’re ugly people. It’s just awful. They’ve told me to get out and I feel completely helpless. I thought marriage and children would be my future and I’ve never felt more alone. I’m angry and I’m resentful of my whole life, that I’m forced to look after my child on my own, that my own family are my own worst enemy, when they should be emotionally supporting me the most. I read somewhere that you should surround yourself with people whose faces light up when they see yog. I thought that was my family but moving back in with them just made me realise how critical and harsh they can be on me
I’ve decided to stay out for a few days. I just hope it gives me some down time from all of this. I’m losing my grip on my sanity…any words of advice would be welcomed. X

[fizzylem]

Hi Lp, you sound really stressed and angry. Some space if you can get it seems like a good plan. I had to move back in with my mum, who is a nightmare, similar, v critical, blaming; it was really hard, felt it would sink me a few times, but I rode it out and found ways to cope. This is an ‘adjustment period’ you are all in, it will settle.

Firstly, I realised that I needed to ignore her, I dont mean ignore her and not speak to her, that wouldnt work, nor would that be kind, sooner or later there would be an explosion if I did that and ongoing tension. What I mean is I didn’t give her thoughts and words any validity, I avoid engaging with her when she says hurtful or critical things. It was really just a way for me to put in the boundaries, let her know I wouldn’t engauge with her while she was being riddiculous or mean or when she tried to dicuss anything with me that was off limits; eventually, she got it.

Healthy, friendly communication = a response / critical, blaming, crazy opinions = no response.

So I would suggest this. Ignore, build yourself a shell. Try to observe only, not react, if you feel triggered walk away. I’ve learnt that it is always better to say nothing in these situations than go into battle – it only validates their delusions – keeps it going. So draw a line here, no more. Only respond when they are being kind or talking about things you feel happy to discuss. Of course this means she doesn’t really know me, as anything important to me is off limits, but thats ok, I reckon it’s better to have a semi functioning relationship than none at all and tensions – helps with the stress no end to operate this way.

If they’re anything like my mum they will now think that because you are living under their roof, this somehow permits them to get involved and say what they like. Er, no. that is not going to work. Teach them to keep any opinions they have to themsleves by not engaging, walking away. Eventually my mum realised it’s pointless, so doesn’t bother now.

You could take back some power here if you wanted when you feel ready, and just say to them something like, I’m sorry I blew, I am feeling stressed out and very unhappy with how things have turned out. I’m like a bear with a sore head atm. What I really need from you right now is love and support only, and a roof obs, but that is it. I realise we are in your space and it’s not easy for you either, and I appreciate you helping us here, but we all need and want to get along as much as we can in this temporary, difficult situation hey – I dont want to fall out and I’m sure you dont either, we need a harmonious household hey. This is what I need from you; would you be willing to try and give this to me? I think this would help.

In your own words obs, keep it short and sweet, just the two or three points you need to say and no more. Would clear the air in the house. If you did do this you also need to be mindful that they may say something to trigger you, if they do, walk away, but fingers crossed they won’t and it will clear the air. They may ask you for something also, so bare this in mind.

Can you get any counselling? It sounds like you need to process this anger really, it’s so unpleasant carrying this around; it feels like it will swallow you whole some days doesn’t it, been there myself x

[Lilypink]

Thanks Fizzylem; this is all sound advice and I definitely need to learn to walk away and sometimes pick my battles. sorry and explanations dont wash with them. It’s tough love most of the time. They’ll only forgive me over time – I really lost it, just at breaking point.
My counselling with WA is due to start in a months time.. desperately need it but it was put back to accommodate someone else who needed an extension to theirs. I am angry, frustrated, depressed, anxious..all of it. Feel v dejected with how my life has panned out. I guess it feels like I’ve reverted and every time my parents and I come to blows it’s just a reminder that I wish I had my own space and my own life; the pain never goes away of what I’ve been through yet some days I wish I was back there with him, on the days when things were ok and I felt we were making progress as a couple.
When I get into arguments with my folks, it’s like it also validates his abuse against me and I’m reminded of all the times he told me I was nothing and deserved only the worst. I always feel that I’m being judged left right and centre. Need to find my peace. Hopefully, it will get better over time. X

[fizzylem]

Hey, this is all very normal and expected; only now you have the added stress of living where you are – I know how utterly dreaful this is trust me; but try to be mindful this is an adjustment period – no one wants ill feeling in the house really, it ‘should’ get a bit easier once everyone’s jigged about a bit and found their own space and place in the house.

So good to read you’ve got some counselling booked in, rubbish it’s been put back a bit but sounds like not long now.

I’m not religious at all, not one bit, but I was that ill with anger I reached out to our local vicar, as I know he is kind and compassionate. He was brilliant, he really helped me with some of my anger, the parts I was angry with myself about, dont know if you know anyone like this? He didnt preach at all, he actually shared his personal history with me and what he’s learnt – was so so helpful.

I find spending time with older people helps as well, they love, support, nourish and nurture me, are wise as theyve been there. I have a friend who is 80! and two others that are in their 60s, and I really do consider them all beautiful women and my freinds. Each of them have helped me alot and have been a bit motherley at times – I think because like you, I just dont have the parents to go to, my mum simply doesnt give me what I need, is unable.

I think with anger we need another person to help us process it, because it has to come out, other wise it goes round and round and festers.

I’ve got about a month to go now before I get my own place again, it’s been a long haul for sure, but it is the place really want. This will come but you will need to chip away at it for a while. You got a plan forming yet? xx

[purplecat]

I cannot thank you both enough for this thread. I was feeling completely lost and alone in my feelings of anger and yesterday I had 2 huge tidal wave panic attacks and verbally lashed out at people I love. I am horrified at my behaviour. I have asked whether I am turning into my ex as I remember what it was like to be on the receiving end of that treatment. It boils down to a daily feeling of rage and injustice, that I am somehow expected to keep going, keep coping despite having been through gaslighting and domestic abuse. My anger is something I feel every day and I never used to be this way. Every time I think I have let it go suddenly it is there and my triggers can be so small and seemingly insignificant.
Today I am punishing myself, scratching at my skin, telling myself what a failure, a mess I am and how much I keep letting everyone I love down. And I recognise that is like hearing and having validated all the things he ever said about me, was he right?

[diymum@1]

no he wasnt right. this is a normal stage you are going to be angry look at the injustice off this. and these guys just sail off into the sunset not giving a s**t about how anyone is left feeling. the dont care and i always felt considering all the damage they cause its shear audacity. i used to look at my daughters passport photo which was taken at the time he walked out. i looked at it a lovely wee curly haired cherub so cute and he couldnt give a dam. i was angry about that for years id say. i can say though now this anger and feelings of frustration do dissipate. now i know he hadnt the ability to feel anything – he was a shell and he tried to make me the same/ but he so didnt. i am a better person for this because i would never have appreciated our freedom so much if i hadnt experienced this awful dv xxxx

[diymum@1]

also we do take our frustrations out on the ones closest to us all you can do is learn. we feel guilty for venting so find ways to do it in a controlled way – i think we do need to get that anger out and vent xxxx this is part of healing believe it or not xx

[Lilypink]

Yes diymum and purplecat….I’m realising that the pain and frustrations just can’t be bottled up and they need an outlet, so the outbursts (however unpleasant) are part of this process of healing, just like the emotional breakdowns in private and the tears that can’t be controlled and just keep coming. I do really value the free will I have now, but the trauma bond to him is still so significant, that its taking me time to fully accept that I can do this alone and that I’m not all the things he used to say I was. I really struggle with this..his power over me was (and still is) so immense. Makes me feel so desperately isolated and alone.

But at the same time, yes fizzylem, I agree that I need an outlet to keep my mind occupied at times, in order to manage the anger and frustrations. I hope to work out a plan soon, because staying with family is not a long term option; as comfortable as it is most of the time and afraid as I am of living alone, I need to make this leap of faith. I get excited at the thought of having my own place and space to think and breathe, be myself, but every so often, I see that idyllic picture and its marred by thoughts of my child’s father, who could potentially put blockers in my way if I want to move out of the area. It’s a never-ending cycle, but am just going to have to persevere and keep reminding myself over and over again, that I can do this. Hope you’re all doing ok…in solidarity with you, take care xx

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