This topic contains 14 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by  Lisa 1 week ago.

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  • #110780
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    I wasn’t going to put anything on here, but it’s been a traumatic day – actually a traumatic few decades. After posting for a little while asking for advice and lots of moaning, disclosing a few horrific events. I was ready to report to the police… then I bottled it! I was too embarrassed to say on here that I hadn’t been able to do it, I was ashamed of not being strong enough, not having enough self worth, not doing the right thing for my children. That decision cost me another few horrible events, it took what was left of my dignity. It left me in shock and to be honest extremely scared. I’m use to feeling all these things but this is another level. It became such a vicious cycle that I couldn’t think straight or contemplate making decisions of any worth.

    Anyway, today I did it. I phone the police and I reported him (I feel sick such typing these words) in the end I didn’t have a choice, it was either that or endure even more as it was just escalating daily. I feel guilty, nauseous, nervous, confused and generally quite ill. They’ve arrested him, his currently in a cell and won’t be interviewed until tomorrow – I feel for him, what I’ve just done will change his entire life in every which way. I now have to explain to the children where their dad is and why. There will be so many questions that I can’t answer for them. All I can do is hug them and cry.

    For now, tonight his in there and I wish I could say I will sleep in the safety knowing he can’t get to me but I won’t, I’m already worrying he’ll get bail and be so so angry with what I’ve done.

    I wish I could say It’s over but it’s not. I’m not sure it ever will be, but for tonight, just one night maybe I can take a breath knowing I’ve done all I can.

  • #110782
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Thank you so much for sharing your update, and hats off to you for taking that step. I understand it’s not over for you and there is so much further to go, but tonight is a night where you are safe from him, even if you don’t sleep and you are a nervous wreck – he can’t get to you tonight. Let’s hope he doesn’t get bail and there are many more days and nights where you will be safe.

    Yes, from today, his life may change forever, and hopefully, so will yours. We consider other people before ourselves and the consequences of our actions on them, but for years he has never once considered the consequences of his actions on you.

    A friend of mine posted something on Facebook today which made me think of lots of ladies on this forum. It said

    Staying in a relationship just because you love someone is not worth it.
    Love is not all you need. Respect is what you need. Reassurance is what you need.
    Happiness is what you need. Knowing everyday you’re their favourite person is what you need.
    Learn to love yourself instead.

    Today start loving yourself more and him less. Continue to hug your children, your presence and love will suffice for now.

    There is another thread on here where ladies are posting about their abusive fathers and how that has impacted on them. This man will negatively impact on your children too due to his behaviours. Let’s hope the positive action you have taken by standing up to him once more will help to make their future safer and brighter too.

    Despite how awful you are feeling at this time, I hope the process of reporting it wasn’t as bad as you feared and you were dealt with compassionately and sympathetically.

  • #110784
     Turtledove 
    Participant

    Well done Cantmakedecisions

    It takes alot of courage to do what you’ve done. This is the first step in the right direction. And you shouldn’t blame yourself, our abusers choose to abuse us and with most bad things in life comes a consequence. When your children are old enough, they’ll respect you so much more for getting them and yourself out of this situation. Xx

  • #110786
     Bettertimesahead 
    Participant

    I felt/ feel very similar..but like you had no choice and although it’s still early days I am now starting to accept that. I know this will change his life but he made the choice to.take the actions he did.Not me, him. I know that sick feeling well but we will get through this xx

  • #110795
     iliketea 
    Participant

    You have made my day, 100%, i have goose bumps at your bravery, you are so courageous to have done what you have done, I want to say strong, it is strong but its so much more, you have just done the best thing for your children and you. Surely he won’t get bail? You must must must tell the truth of everything, can you write it down now, before you are interviewed, so you don’t forget some bits. It happens to me, my mind sometimes blanks when Im asked a direct question.
    You will be ok, yes, you must be feeling terrible but that shows how lovely you are, he made his choices, each and every time he could have stopped and thought this isn’t right because it wasn’t. And he didn’t. Thanks for making the choice to live free from that life. Your old life. Well done. Im so proud of you for doing it. Well done. Keep posting, or private message, we are all here to help and support you. x*x

  • #110799
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    Oh my Gosh WELL DONE.
    It must be so scary for you right now. But today is just one little tiny day of the rest of your life – a better life.
    Can you feel all the hugs and support that are winging their way to you from this forum? You did it!
    I’m sure it won’t be easy, but at least you are now heading in the right direction, and it will only get better.
    Keep coming back, tell us how you’re doing, keep reaching out.
    Huge hugs. 💕💕

  • #110809
     Camel 
    Participant

    Hi Cantmakedecisions, you’ve leaped over a huge hurdle today. I can understand totally why you’re churned up and fearful when there are so many hurdles still to jump. You know your abuser better than anyone and I think your concerns are justified.

    Do you have a designated contact at the police station? You need to be clear that if he’s bailed that it won’t be to your house. You need to know that they plan to release him, before they actually do. You need to have a no-contact order put in place while he’s in custody. You should probably also ask about getting an alarm fitted in the house. Also your name put down for immediate response if you call 999. If you haven’t already, make it absolutely clear what he’s done before and what he is capable of.

    Do you think you should stay somewhere else, at least until you know what’s going to happen?

    Everyone here, me included, knows you have been very brave. But none of us can offer the safety you need right now. I don’t mean to scare you, but better safe than sorry. x*x

  • #110810
     Starmoon 
    Participant

    I know how scary this is but you’ve done the right thing. What you’ve done hasn’t changed his life… what he’s done has. You can’t let him continue to destroy yours. I imagine if he is bailed, his conditions will be not to contact you, if he brakes them then you call the police and he will he arrested again. Please stay strong x*x

  • #110816
     Wiseafter 
    Participant

    Thinking of you and remember that you are not alone, however you may feel at the moment. We are all here, there is support even if it is not in person, it is here and it is real. What has happened is not your fault, or your responsibility. You did what you had to do. End of. He is accountable and he is responsible. It is his choices, decisions and actions that have brought him where he is. First things first. Make sure you and your kids are safe, and secure – get support and take the advice from ladies on here that have had similar experiences, they are your guides and light in the dark right now. xx

  • #110822
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Well done lovely lady. You have been so brave. Just one step at a time now. Eat, sleep and look after you. xx

  • #110850
     Lifebegins 
    Participant

    Hi cantmakedecisions, although you may not feel it right now, you’ve done the right thing. It was the ONLY thing you could’ve done as it just wasn’t going to stop.

    It’s out there now. Wants to Help told me a little while ago that the women that successfully come through this are the ones that report it to the police and then take all the support that they’re offered/given. Even if he is bailed, I would think there will be conditions in place not to contact you or come to your property. The police may also install a panic alarm in your house which goes straight to police if you push the button. If they don’t, I’d ask about it but I’d think that the police safeguarding team will be in contact giving the gravity of your abuse.

    I can really relate to how you’re feeling. I too felt guilt and sorrow for him when I reported it but that didn’t last long. They have no remorse. And they now are the victim in their eyes. But everyone I’ve spoken to about this is in total agreement that there was absolutely nothing else I could’ve done otherwise I would still be living it now. And so would you. I think you’ll start to see that as time goes on.

    It’s hard with kids as you don’t want to expose them to what has gone on that they haven’t seen. But they’ve probably seen more than you know. I kept details at a minimum. But explained some things said or done are not right and Dad not allowed to do them.

    You’ve been so brave cantmakedecisions. I know that this was a momentous step for you. This is probably the worst time and you’re feeling awful. For me, it was the worse time but it has gotten better. We’re here for you xxxxx

  • #113268
     iliketea 
    Participant

    How are you doing @cantmakedecisons? I’ve been thinking about you and hoping you’re getting good support? xx

  • #113276
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    Well Done! You’ve done such a brave thing and you should be really proud of yourself, what you did wasn’t easy but you did it! Im thinking of you lovely please keep us updated x*x

  • #115313
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    I’ve been gone off this forum for a while – sorry! As much as I want to support you all, i was struggling to keep afloat. I’m not going to lie, things are s**t! His out and I’m living in terror (I thought about putting fancy terms to it) I’m being honest! The pandemic has meant my contact with agencies are via email or phone and I’m not great at that – I mean who is, when you’re in need of human interaction.

    I’m alive! I’m here. My existence atm is living day to day. My kids are with my partner because they refuse to come to my new place. I have to go there if I want to see them but the inevitable happens. It’s a choice I need to do right now.

  • #115416
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Cantmakedecisions,

    Thank you for coming back with an update. It is good to hear from you but please don’t feel pressured to post. Self care is very important and the choices you are making have to be right for you at this time. You are doing really well. Take each day as it comes and lean on the support available.

    Take care,

    Lisa

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