Traumatised child is becoming abusive

[pookie1]

I have two children and both have been deeply affected by domestic abuse. The eldest has struggled a lot with depression and has been diagnosed with trauma. Since we’ve moved her depression has got better but she still experiences huge emotional disregulation – so much so that she assaulted me over Christmas and I ended up call the police. I don’t have family close by and it’s been suggested I have a social worker which feels like something I never thought I would need as a mother (she is receiving CAHMS support). My other daughter is very clinging and suffers with anger issues too but not to that extent. I really thought moving and leaving the relationship with their dad would mean a completely fresh start but the after effects of the DA are still affecting us.

I couldn’t see many posts about this aspect of DA and would welcome some support and advice. thanks

[Bananaboat]

Just wanted to say you’re not alone. Although mine is primary school age he’s been picked up as showing emotional dysregulated behaviour linked to trauma living in dv. I’m waiting for a referral and also deal with lashing out verbally and physically which hurt, but in the meantime school has suggested:

1) zones of regulation – giving help and ways to express feelings and emotions when the child is triggered and can’t express themselves in usual ways

2) reading about ways to manage ADHD. Trauma can behave in very similar ways to adhd but meds won’t help trauma. But just like in adhd, kids with trauma can become overwhelmed with tasks, aren’t driven by consequences (like if we say ‘if you don’t do your homework there’s no tv later’ we expect the child to be driven to do their homework whereas in adhd the child will say I don’t care, so what, I don’t want to) and have very low self esteem (thanks trauma!). So some of the methods for helping adhd can apply like breaking tasks into small chunks etc. It means a shift in how we operate but can help us understand why or how the child is reacting. This isn’t saying the child is ADHD it’s that there’s similar behaviours shown in trauma and this

3) grounding techniques- when their brain is triggered the critical part (forget its name) switches offline. They can’t just stop and control themselves. We need to help switch that part of the brain back on (same for us if we have a panic attack or get triggered in some way) so grounding techniques can help. There’s many but maybe a certain perfume, a cold or hot drink, counting down from ten or listing things you see/hear/feel etc. A distraction I guess which helps the brain realise it’s ok, it’s safe, relax and re engage.

school have said they may need to refer to social services but haven’t yet, whilst it’s scary I’m trying to see that as a supportive thing. It’s really hard for us too as the child ‘kicking off’ and trigger our muscle memory of the abuse too so grounding yourself might be needed. Then it’s really hard as a parent to suddenly have to do this parenting park differently too, so maybe see if there’s any support available for you too. Not sure if any of this helps and sorry it ended up long anyway, but like you I’ve struggled to find info about this x

[pookie1]

thanks for your response. things are a bit calmer at the moment so taking one day at a time x

[StrongerSmarter]

Talk about it. We’ve all been in a lot of therapy but we still talk at home too about what it was like. I apologize alot to my kids about staying too long.  It helps I think. I stayed so long because I knew he was mean with them when I was gone and I thought I was keeping them safe but I didn’t. The trauma still comes through. I’m sorry!

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