Tried to leave and failed.

[Iwanttobefree2020]

I feel like I’ve let myself and my daughter down. I had a plan to leave, after an incident (detail removed by moderator) that my young daughter witnessed (she has never witnessed things before) and she stood up for me on my behalf, I was so amazed that she was extremely brave and had the courage to stand up to him. So I thought that’s it I’ve had years of this now I’m going to leave, she has inspired me to be brave too. I thought I’d do it today as I’m not due to be working from home today I’m in the office, I’ll appear that I’m going into work and taking my daughter to school accept the car would be packed up with our things and we’d flee instead. So I started packing large bags of clothes for me and my child making them look like ironing on the top and underneath I put other items that I wanted to take so if my husband went in the spare room he would just think that they were ironing bags. When I got the opportunity I would take the bags and put them in the boot of the car. Mainly when he is in the shower so I wouldn’t get caught as he is home at the moment a lot of the time. Last night I was really nervous and the guilt started to set in. My daughter was talking about how excited she was for Christmas and I started thinking she might not believe next year and how awful this Christmas would be for her, we wouldn’t be able to go to family either as he’d find us, we’d probably need to go to a refuge if there was room, surrounded by people we don’t know. So I asked her if she thought mummy was a good mummy and she put her thumb up and was nodding her head smiling then I asked her is she thought daddy was a good daddy and put her thumb to the side and said I don’t like the way he shouts at us all the time and she also mentioned the incident (detail removed by moderator). So I thought right I will leave. Then later on I walked into the lounge and she was having a cuddle with him and my heart just sank and the guilt just felt unbearable, like my heart was being ripped from my chest and I thought I’m not sure if I can do this now. This morning I had two bags left to put in the car, I sat listening for him to get into the shower. He got in and I heard the water running. Instead of getting my two remaining bags I instead went and unpacked my car putting the bags back and took my daughter to school and then went on to work telling myself I’ll do it in the new year, everything will be fine just don’t make him mad, do everything he says and in a month we’ll be out. But now I feel I’ve let myself and my daughter down. I was so ready to take that leap and get out and now this evening I’ll go home, he’ll moan about something or another, take me for granted, expecting me to run round the house, shout and belittle me, refuse to let me watch what I want to watch on TV and still expect rompey pompey. But at least I know the plan works, he didn’t suspect a thing, shouted goodbye to us both when we left the house this morning. My daughter didn’t suspect either, hadn’t noticed that some of her toys had disappeared. So maybe next time I might make it. I was just so close but still so far. He has been violent and abusive for so long now and I just can’t take it anymore, I want to be the person that I used to be I miss her very much. Has this happened to anyone else – plan to leave then at the last minute ditch your plans? How did you make sure you went through with it the next time?

[KIP.]

Hi there, victims of abuse leave and return on average 7 times before leaving for good so I know how difficult this is. You need outside support. A safe exit plan with the help of women’s aid. Just know that your child witnessing abuse is child abuse and it will affect her for years to come. Their little minds are developing and learning and what she’s learning is that it’s normal to be abused. Empower yourself with knowledge. He knows all the tricks and knows just how to reel you back in. Build that support bubble and next time you might make it. Abuse always escalates over time and now that he’s not even trying to hide it in front of his child is a huge red flag. Are you in touch with your local women’s aid? It’s nerve wracking leaving an abuser for very good reason. But I couldn’t do it alone. I involved the police, my GP, my family. I was frozen with fear but they weren’t. Best move I ever made x

[Iwanttobefree2020]

This is the first time I’ve ever spoken of the abuse to anyone. Everyone likes him, everyone thinks he’s one of the good guys, successful, funny, intelligent. I think his parents may suspect something, they know he has a bad temper. But I’m frightened to talk to them about it in case they tell him. I’ve asked my sister if she is free to talk when I finish work, I plan to tell her. She currently doesn’t know either. So I haven’t spoken to my local woman’s aid yet either.

[KIP.]

That’s very brave of you to do this without talking to others. Women’s aid are fantastic and will have access to a refuge and can help with the legalities and housing. There’s also a national domestic abuse helpline. 24/7. I kept it secret for years from my family and friends and it destroyed my mental health. Sometimes those closest to us don’t understand domestic abuse so it’s better if you talk to professionals too. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves. You may think everyone thinks he’s one of the good guys because they brainwash us to thinking this but my family and friends had seen through him for years and didn’t know what I was doing with him. My mum said she wished I’d spoken to her sooner so she could have helped. Abuse thrives on silence. Have a look at the book Living with the Dominator. These abusers all act in a very similar manner. Keep a journal or send yourself emails to a separate account of his behaviour. It’s good evidence and it’s really important you get his abuse logged with your GP. Again excellent evidence should you need it. Women’s aid can help you get all your ducks in a row x

[KIP.]

Don’t ever confide in his family, blood is thicker than water and that’s a lesson I learned x

[Iwanttobefree2020]

Thank you for your advice I shall definitely take it. I wrote an account to myself of some of the incidences I’ve been through but I can’t remember the dates. Will it still count as evidence?

Also a couple of years ago my daughter told a teacher that daddy shouts at mummy. The school called me up about it and I was with my in laws at the time of the call. I played it down and the school believed me. Will this have repercussions for not saying anything back then?

[KIP.]

There won’t be repercussions. It’s normal for an abuse victim to hide the abuse and protect her abuser. I spent a lifetime doing it until I understood I was being abused. If you can slowly move important document somewhere safe and some clothes somewhere safe in case you have to flee. We begin to normalise abuse when we are in an abusive relationship. It’s insidious and much more complicated than people realise. Any kind of evidence is useful. The school. Diary entries, journals, witnesses. We know abuse happens behind closed doors so there are t usually witnesses but your child is sadly one now x

[Iwanttobefree2020]

Thank you, you have given me hope. I never saw the school as evidence, I saw it as oh no I’ve lied this is going to come back and haunt me. I don’t want my daughter to have to witness anything again and I want to teach her as she grows normal behaviours in a relationship.

[KIP.]

There’s lots of help out there and domestic abuse is much more understood now. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Talk to the domestic abuse helpline. Lundy Bancroft is an expert in the field. There’s a book Called When Daddy Hurts Mummy. Lots of good literature and this forum is full with knowledgeable women who have walked in your shoes and can guide you. You’re right to be scared of this man so don’t tell him what you’re doing snd stay safe x

[KIP.]

Don’t think of it as failing. You took a big step nearer to getting out for good. Well done you 👍. Bravery is being scared but doing it anyway. You really are brave. Power to you x

[maddog]

Well done you for opening up about abuse. It’s truly shocking what goes on behind closed doors and so many families suffer in silence and can’t see the wood for the trees. I recently reported to the police something I’ve never told a soul.

Please tell the school about what’s happening at home, and tell your GP. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Please remember that none of this is your fault. The school may be able to put something in writing for you about the phone call you received. You’ll get so much support from Women’s Aid. You may need a burner phone if he’s monitoring your calls.
Lundy Bancroft is also on Youtube.

You are doing the right thing to keep a diary. Keep it up, everything and anything.

You’ll get there.

When you’re in contact with Women’s Aid, you’ll find people who understand the patterns of abuse so well. They’re like fortune tellers and can tell you, based on how his behaviour is, what he is likely to do next, and they’ll be able to help you move safely.

[Lottieblue]

Hi there ,

I agree that you need to get more support than you have right now. Keep coming back here to the forum regularly, contact women’s aid, and if you can confide in just one friend and keep them in the loop all the time, you will feel so much stronger. Also, be sure to note all incidents, no matter how minor, as this will help you when you start doubting yourself.

I left my husband recently after a long marriage. I was terrified and desperate beforehand, but when it came to it I got a bravery I couldn’t have believed possible and I knew the time had come. I think you will too, when it’s right. Just keep planning, so that when that time comes, everything is in place.

LB xx

[Iwanttobefree2020]

Hi, thank you ladies for all your supportive comments. I poured my heart out to my sister yesterday on my way home (via Bluetooth of course in the car!) She explained that she had always thought he was controlling with me and she wasn’t surprised. She also explained that our parents had felt the same. It felt good to finally to open up. She of course wants to help me and her niece get out safely. But understandably she is really worried for mine and my daughters safety. We’re hoping to get out of here sooner rather than later. I think now if I’d spoken to my sister when I was planning to leave earlier this week I would’ve made it instead of unpacking the car. But I hadn’t told anybody what had been going on because I was so scared.

But my sister now knows and is helping me get the correct advice to get out of here. She’s making calls and researching on my behalf at the moment as it’s safer.

I’m struggling to get mine and my daughters passports. He has them, is it vital that I get them or can they be reported as lost/stolen?

Also if I manage to get an injunction put in place do you know if my daughter can attend the same school? She has been through enough and absolutely adores that school and so do I, she thrives there. It would be heartbreaking if she had to switch schools all because of him.

Thanks again for your wonderful comments and advice, this is a very special forum. When I can I will speak myself to woman’s aid, but obviously when it is safe for me to do so.

[KIP.]

That’s great news. I’m glad your sister is seeking professional advice because these men are dangerous. Women’s aid are where to start and they can advise about a non molestation order. And also refuge if needed. There is also the national domestic abuse helpline. Also get some free legal advice. Most solicitors offer a free initial consultation. Your child’s school is the last thing you need to think about. Children are very resilient and as long as she has a happy mum she will be happy and safe wherever she goes. Your safety is paramount and he knows the way to control you is ultimately through your child. So make sure all your ducks are in a row. You can apply for new emergency passports and report the others stolen which is what they are if he’s withholding them. if you have to. Just try to get a note of the passport numbers if it’s safe to do so. Abusers know us really well and can sense changes in us so don’t ever underestimate him. Check your car and phone for any monitoring devices. If you can get a new cheap phone with a different number to take with you. Keep gathering your support bubble around you x

[Iwanttobefree2020]

Ok thanks again. I don’t think I will be able to get the passport numbers, I don’t have a note of them anywhere either. I’ll keep looking for them when it’s safe to do so.

I’m really trying to be not one step ahead of him but two steps ahead and then some more. Using a constant poker face so he doesn’t suspect a thing. Trying to be careful not to let my daughter see in case she questions anything.

Thanks again for all the advice, it’s amazing. I’ve felt so alone for so long and now I realise how many other brave women (and men) are going through such an awful ordeal.

[maddog]

Well done! Passports are annoying to miss. I induced fury in my ex by having the marriage certificate. All these documents are replaceable. You’re so right in calling it an ordeal. For now you need to be able to get out safely. You will need specialist support as abusers become massively more vindictive and dangerous.

You’re doing really well by going Grey Rock.

There’s so much real life support. Your local police force should have a domestic abuse team who can guide you towards the help available. They won’t tell you to report anything and they’re not police officers. Victim Support can help you too.

You’ve done so well in recognising the behaviour as abusive, and knowing that you need to get out. It’s a treacherous path. There are so many people in real life to prevent you falling, and of course here. The fear can feel overwhelming. It’s really important to have someone who understands on side. I remember the times when I called for help, terrified, frustrated, upset and angry. My friends wouldn’t have understood.

It’s really lovely that you have your sister on side.

Get out safely!xx

[Surfgirl]

It’s so hard to leave. I’ve left twice the 2nd being (detail removed by Moderator). I’m already buckling and want to go home. Especially as it’s coming up to Christmas, it will be (detail removed by Moderator) since his dad suddenly died (detail removed by Moderator) and he found him and our (detail removed by Moderator) year wedding anniversary on the (detail removed by Moderator). All my friends and family hate him. I know I’ll lose friends if I go back again. I said this will be the last time but I desperately want to go home. I completely understand and try not to be too hard on yourself. Mine has been all emotional but I just wish he would hit me so I know for certain. It doesn’t matter how many experts tell me it is emotional abuse I still find it hard to believe. We’re all here for you. X x

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

@Surfgirl, I remember that feeling all too well. Wishing it would get physical so that you could feel more ‘justified’. I am out now but I still have wobbles. The gut wrench to go back does ease and it will eventually leave you. You deserve better. It wouldn’t get better if you went back. Be strong. Christmas is SO tough. Lean on friends and this forum 🙂 Sending hugs x

[Iwanttobefree2020]

Surfgirl, try not to go home. I’m hoping I won’t feel that way. My husband has been in a really good mood the past couple of days. Maybe it’s just a front because of the incident last weekend. But it’s hard when they act normally. I will read the my story that I have written just to remind myself why I need to leave. I know if I go back not only would my family be upset but I’d have child services on my back too and they’d likely remove my daughter. I’d rather choose my daughter than him 1000%

I think I will miss my house, hopefully eventually I will get it back though I probably won’t be able to afford it on my own.

I think Christmas will be strange this year for the majority of the world but ours are going to be just that little bit more stranger. But try your hardest not to return, my husband started with emotional abuse and being controlling. Then as time went on it got worse then it became physical. In the beginning of the physical abuse I did try to fight him back but I quickly learnt that when I did that he would just come back harder.

I think I’m going to have to keep myself very occupied, watch home alone with my daughter and have a few well deserved gin’s when I leave this week, I really hope it goes to plan. I managed to get some of our things to my sisters house today so that has lightened the load. Also found the passports and got them there too. I never thought about the marriage certificate, I might get that too if I can.

I’ll keep you all updated. I’m really nervous about fleeing this week, if it comes to it I may just have to leave the rest of our things I plan to take. I’d hopefully be able to get them another time.

You’re safe now keep telling yourself that and when all the restrictions are over you will be able to go out with your friends and properly be able to start living your new chapter and freedom.

[Hawthorn]

Hi Iwanttobefree,
Just wanted to tell you you’re doing a brilliant job planning and I’ll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you that you’re out soon 🤞🤞
Try not to worry about the rest of your stuff now you have your important documents and sentimental items, I left with nothing but my passport and have never regretted it. Body and mind safe. The rest is just stuff.

@Surfgirl, please try to stay away. It’s so difficult. He has brainwashed you. That’s not your fault. Every day you stay away from him it will get easier. Your own voice will start to come back. But trauma bonds are so difficult to overcome. You have support here and we understand so please reach out when youre struggling.

Wishing you both a safe and free Christmas!

[Iwanttobefree2020]

Hi All,

I just wanted to update you all that myself and my daughter made it out safely! It still feels a bit strange but we’re out with the support of family, friends and my work colleagues.

He of course has made many attempts to get in touch but I’m using a different phone.

I’ve given a statement to the police and I have also informed the school who have been very understanding. The school would like something in place before she returns to school. I have started the process with a non-molestation order but I was told I would need a prohibited steps order for my daughter and I’m struggling to get started with this, I just keep being told to call a number, then they tell me to call this number and I just feel like I’m being passed on to people. Has anyone got any experience of obtaining one of these or know who to contact to start the process?

But any info about rebuilding your life would be greatly appreciated! Xx

[Anonymous]

Glad to hear it!

It takes time to rebuild and I had many ups and downs. Wanted to let him back so many times. But I never forgot how badly he treated me and that helped. He got convicted and a restraining order was granted and that period of no contact did me good.

Just the little things felt so good. Being able to watch what I wanted on TV, have friends over, having the money for a haircut or a pedicure.

Just be good to yourself. Do things for you. Make time for your children. And breathe again.

[OUTTHEOTHERSIDE]

Hi Iwanttobefree2020
Hope you are doing well? Ive just been reading through your story. Did you manage to get a prohibited steps order?

[Author]

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