Trigger warning….. Is this rape, please help

[Confusedgirl]

So i have had a house for (detail removed by Moderator) month, yet due to the trauma bond and the cycle of abuse, love bombing, denial etc. i havent gone.

Since all this kicked off (detail removed by Moderator) , he has been trying his hardest to have sex, groping me, constant sexual remarks, getting in my bed and putting his hand in my pants.

We argued (detail removed by Moderator)  he said (detail removed by Moderator)

Then at (detail removed by Moderator) , he came into my room (been sleeping seperate for ages) got into bed, put his hand up my top, i woke up and said “no im half asleep”

He pulled my trousers down, went down there, then penetrated me. I was in and out of sleep the whole time. When he finished i turned over and fell straight back to sleep.

Is this rape?

I am exhausted as havent been sleeping well lately, he wasnt even speaking to me (detail removed by Moderator) . Now he is acting all nice, like everything is back to normal?

It so confusing. The house is ready, but i cant do it. I have panic attacks and feel physically unwell, sobbing when i think of making the last move, and moving out..

Am i to blame? because im still there in the family home? making him feel like i want to stay

I am thinking of giving my rented property up, and just accepting i will never leave, that this is my life now.. Its so childish, a grown woman who cant make a decision on her own life xx

[Bananaboat]

Did you consent? If you were in & out of sleep and had said ‘no I’m asleep’ then I’d say not. We often give in to keep the peace, the old fight/flight/freeze response kicks in as well as being conditioned on how to avoid their reactions but that’s not the same as agreeing to sex. No you did not encourage this by staying in the same house. This man is bullying you into staying, mine did similar, acting like everything was just normal/forgotten. He’d tell me I was his so he’d have me whenever he wanted. We can struggle with that word rape but the point is you didn’t ask for sex, didn’t want sex and he didn’t respect your boundaries of both saying no and sleeping separately. Again he’s thought of his needs only. Sex should be consensual and pleasurable for both – was it? He’s messing with your head. Bite that bullet and go – tell your family or someone you’re struggling to leave. If he’s acting like this when you’ve said it’s over, it’ll be so much worse if you stay. How about you move out and decide you do want to try again and return but you need that big of headspace first. Remember that relief you felt when you found somewhere to go? Remind yourself of that whilst your bang in the middle of this mind fog tornado xx

[Lisa]

Dear Confusedgirl,

I’m glad you’ve felt able to post. First, you are absolutely not to blame, there is never an excuse for abuse. What you have explained is rape, you did not have the capacity to consent because you were half-asleep and you also said no.

Have a look at the Rape Crisis website to read more about consent and what it means, there are lots of myths surrounding sexual abuse. You could call them for some support on 0808 802 9999.

There is also a video called ‘Tea and Consent’ made by Thames Valley Police, which lots of survivors find helpful, available on the Consent is Everything website.

Keep posting, you are not alone and there is support available to help you work out what’s next,

Lisa

[Author]

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