Triggered by professional

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I posted a little while back about how I wasn’t sure I was getting what I wanted out of talking to my rape counsellor. Well, my sessions came to an end and, on advice received on here – thank you! – I managed to track down a relatively local service that provides EMDR therapy etc for free.

So, I had my first phone assessment regarding my level of trauma and I feel triggered and terrible. To start with, it was a man – now, I was expecting this when I’d googled the place, and I am in no way knocking dealing with a man on this subject, but his manner was absolutely horrifying. He kept calling me (detail removed by moderator) during the whole (detail removed by moderator) conversation which felt degrading and patronising. I, understandably I feel, got upset and he had the nerve to keep talking over me saying (detail removed by moderator) which made me feel even more pressured. He also made a ridiculous quip at the end of our conversation, after it had come up in the assessment that I was unable any longer to do a hobby that I previously used to love, that perhaps (detail removed by moderator). It felt horrible and belittling.

I scored extremely highly on the trauma assessment, which goes to show how, despite being out of my abusive relationship for quite a while now, life really hasn’t returned to anything simple for me. I knew this but it was very emotional to see it laid out in black and white. I have been put right at the top of the list for EMDR, and prior I will get one online session teaching me “grounding techniques”, it’s soon, which I will get a phone call about the day before to organise (log-in details online etc).

Here is my problem. When I get this phone call, a big part of me wants to say how inappropriate the behaviour was but I don’t want to cut my nose off to spite my face and perhaps lose momentum on getting better help for myself. I’m scared they might think I’m causing trouble. I’m frightened to complain and them to not understand… but at the same time, surely it can’t just have been me he has spoken to like that? Not just me who has been triggered by his manner? Or perhaps I’m just over-sensitive and being silly?

It felt like I was being spoken to by my abuser all over again.

Any advice greatly appreciated. Love to all x x x

[ISOPeace]

3cats that sounds really awful. You are most definitely not being over sensitive or silly. His job is to assess trauma so he should be trained in how to do that. I would expect it to be a no brainer to ask someone if it’s OK to call them anything other than their name. I’m also really shocked that he acted as though calming down is such an easy thing to do. It sounds really patronising and insensitive. TBH I’d be shocked if someone doing anything to do with EMDR would be dismissive of fearful feelings, but I’m even more shocked when it’s somebody dealing with trauma.

If I were you I’d go ahead with the grounding technique and the EMDR, but be alert for anyone else who seems off. It’s possible that the training isn’t great. Or maybe he’s just in the wrong job. Then when you’re finished there, say you want to give feedback on your experience and make a complaint then. X*x

[Anonymous]

Thank you ISOPeace for your reply.

It’s really knocked me back. Terms of “endearment” would always be used when my ex was at his worst, as if calling me (detail removed by moderator)  somehow negated everything else being said that was disgusting. This guy must have said (detail removed by moderator) during our call. The assessment was a LOT of questions where I had to answer on a sliding scale and I was trying to really think what the correct answer was for each question, it was difficult and upsetting, but towards the end I got the distinct impression he just wanted me to say anything to get it over with! I do think I kept true though.

You’re right, I will continue with the grounding and EMDR. It isn’t him who does the EMDR but I’m unsure on the grounding techniques. I will do exactly what you said and give feedback once the whole experience is over. I am very scared to say something prior and somehow lose momentum on getting help.

Thank you again x

[Darknessallaround]

Hi 3cats, no you are not being over sensitive or silly. The language he used was totally inappropriate and I’d report it to the organisation.

Also, one online session to learn grounding techniques is unlikely to be sufficient. The therapist needs to make sure that you know how to get yourself into a safe place when EMDR trauma work is taking place. This includes building up a trusting relationship with the therapist first. If the attempt to commence EMDR without these safeguards in place it can end up doing more harm than good.

Can I ask if the EMDR is in person or online?
Is the therapy offered time limited, ie a fixed number of sessions.
Do you have a choice of working with male or female?

You don’t have to answer these of course, just things to think about and bear in mind.

[Anonymous]

Thank you Darknessallaround for your reply.

I feel it definitely needs to be reported, but as suggested by ISOPeace I think I will leave it till after the whole experience is over. Nobody, on their first contact, should be made to feel like this.

Thank you for expanding on the grounding techniques – it is something I have heard of but don’t know a lot about? I struggle with becoming overwhelmed and controlling panic attacks, anything can trigger me. I wonder if it will be the same therapist doing the grounding before the EMDR? I feel like I now want to phone them and ask what the grounding session will entail as even me, completely naive about it all, felt one session online may not be sufficient.

The EMDR will be in person and not time-limited. I’m unsure if it will be a male or female, but after this experience I am feeling very anxious about the whole thing as the last thing I want is to have to deal with someone so insensitive again. I really don’t mean to sound petty but I’m a woman of a certain age and this guy sounded like he could be my son, it was most disconcerting.

Thank you for your reply, I think I will phone the place today and ask a few questions you have raised as knowledge and being prepared helps me even though it is scary to ask for my needs to be met still. Will keep you posted x

[Anonymous]

Hi, just wanted to offer some support and say some professionals can be triggering irrespective of gender.
I was also assessed for trauma over the phone by a man who sounded young enough to be my son. He was actually lovely and so kind. Like you my trauma scores were extremely high.
My first session was with a woman and she was awful. She treated me like I was a child in the headteachers office. Told me how important she was, hardly let me get a word in edgeways, patronised, refused do trauma therapy saying she would do something else instead and then said (detail removed by moderator). As I came from a relationship where my ex monitored my behaviour to see if I “deserved” basics, this was v triggering. Anyway, I rang the office and said therapist and I were not compatible. I had to send an email in explaining why, but then got allocated to someone far more senior. So, if you are unhappy going forward, don’t suffer in silence. Hopefully you will now be allocated someone empathetic and appropriate. But if the therapist isn’t right, then you won’t feel comfortable enough to benefit. I understand the worry about losing the therapy altogether if you mention it, but in my experience, the company were understanding.
Good luck x

[Anonymous]

Thank you marmot for your reply.

Your relationship sounds very like how mine was – basic things like being given money for bills, eating with him and his children when they visited us, being allowed to watch what I wanted on the television all became under his control as to whether I deserved them or not (all the while he was living in my house). Horrible, horrible men. No wonder that experience was triggering, it definitely would have been for me too. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I will make sure I am being mindful of whether a “connection” is made or if I feel uncomfortable moving forward, and thank you for assuring me it was no problem for you to complain as such! That worries me so much as I really struggle putting myself forward in any way!

Again, thank you for taking the time to reply, it’s very appreciated. Take care x

[Eggshells]

Hi 3Cats,

A coincidence but I also had my first session this week. It should have been a  (detail removed by moderator) but they allocated me to a man and I hand I had specifically requested a woman.

The lady I spoke to also used a term of endearment but it seemed very natural and comfortable for me. If you didn’t feel comfortable with this man then you should definitely let them know.

I was told that I would have (detail removed by moderator) grounding sessions before I started EMDR. She explained that we couldn’t start the therapy until I’d had the sessions otherwise I could just end up re-traumatised as I was during my last talking therapy.

Please consider asking if the grounding session will be done by your therapist. If you can’t build some sort of rapport with your therapist you won’t be able to comfortably be able to talk about the traumatising event so please make sure that you get the right therapist, even if it means delaying the treatment.

[Anonymous]

Hi Eggshells, thank you so much for your reply, I think it was you that suggested looking for this type of therapy in the first place so a huge thank you for that advice too!

I’ve had my first grounding techniques session, one of a few shall we say, I didn’t realise there would be more than one. They sent me the schedule for all the sessions in advance a couple of days before which helped a lot as it gave me a little idea what to expect – I hope it wasn’t too overwhelming for you, I did feel very anxious when logging in but the session went by quite quickly and the therapist (female) was very nice. I haven’t asked yet whether it will be her doing the EMDR moving forward but I will next week if I get the chance.

All the other therapies I have had, similar to yourself, have felt very traumatising. I finished all of them feeling unsatisfied and confused and not knowing whether that was “it”, like no help will ever help me, if you know what I mean? I hope we both find some peace moving forward. Feel free to DM me seeing as we both appear to be at a similar stage. Hugs x x

[Eggshells]

I’m glad it seemed to go better for you this time. I’m also relieved to hear that you get more than one grounding session.

I have my first one next week. In the meantime I have to write down every time I have a thought about my trauma or a nightmare. With everything that’s been going on, I haven’t really thought about the trauma and I’m not sleeping enough to have any nightmares.

She’s going to think I’m a total fraud!

[Author]

Posts