Triggered by toxic parent

[gettingtired]

One of my parents can be quite toxic so I’m always a bit on guard around them. Note: my parents are separate and both remarried. I’ve recently visited the toxic parent after a long period of not seeing them. Toxic parent often speaks to me like I’m a child and tries to micromanage small tasks I may do such as making a cup of tea or something ridiculous. I try to make it clear I don’t need help and am very capable but end up having eyes rolled at me or made to feel like I’m being grumpy or I may get a comment aimed at me. It’s something I’ve suddenly really noticed since being around them after a long break apart.

To make matters worse, things took a bad turn during this visit and I noticed their mood had changed (I guess we become so attuned to the toxic/abusive person’s mood). As an adult, I’ve noticed I hold a lot of anger towards this parent and often disagree with them or defy them if it’s something I feel strongly about (I do also get scared sometimes but try to hide it with anger). I’m wondering if this anger as an adult comes from never feeling safe to be anything other than frightened as a child. After all, children can’t just walk out and leave/escape the situation can they?
Anyway, a disagreement came up and toxic parent started raising their voice and snapping over me using their tone of voice aggressively. This really triggered me although I hid this from them. To make matters worse their partner laughed it off a bit and joked that we were both ‘arguing’ together. This has only made me feel worse, I don’t feel it was an argument, I feel it was more like I was being bullied/shouted down.

Could it be that I’m being too sensitive and reading into everything way too much?
It’s not until after altercations like these that I start to feel angry/upset about how I was treated or how I didn’t defend myself more. Once I’ve had time to sit and mull over the incident. Why can’t I do this during the incident and feel confident in defending myself? Could this be because ‘in the moment’ we’re often stuck in fight, flight or freeze mode so don’t have the capacity to think things through properly and hold our ground?

This might sound small but I’m disappointed as I was hoping this may be the start of some what of a better relationship with this parent which in turn, I hoped would help when I do leave the toxic partner. My hopes have been dashed now. Sadly, when these things happen of course toxic partner is who I crave to be with! He has made me feel cared for when I’ve been so upset in the past over this parent. Of course, in classic n**********c style, over the years this information I’ve shared has been used against me (regularly insulting my toxic parent or comparing me to them.. saying I’m just like them etc).
Then I feel even more sad as I realise I’ve always had toxic people around me. It really is my normal, so jumping ship just feels absolutely out of the question.

I’m sorry to have gone on a bit here. I’m just fed up of always feeling in defence mode. It’s very lonely.

[maddog]

It’s so difficult with a toxic parent. My parents were children when they started a family, and nothing changed. I got out, eventually married an abusive idiot and stayed in round the edges. Getting tangled up in the family web would have killed me.

Women’s Aid will be able to support you through this. NAPAC is a great organisation as well. Baby steps. You’ll be able to recover yourself from all this.

I’ve been feeling slightly triggered by an abusive sibling who has no boundaries whatsoever. It’s heartbreaking to see someone you love disappear up their proverbial.

[gettingtired]

Thanks maddog. It’s the first time in my life I’ve thought seriously about how I may have to cut them out of my life for good one day. It’s difficult to accept your own parent is a n********t and will never, ever accept any blame, will always play victim and treat you like their property, not an individual human being. Everything has always been on their terms and conditions. It’s so easy to see how I ended up with a toxic ‘partner’ now. It’s basically like walking from one controller to another. I really do hate these men.

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