Triggering

[Hopesprings]

Someone at work today told a story about their friend who was seeing this abusive guy. I think it was my ex. There was just too many similarities in this guys background story etc. It’s been triggering for me. Not in the way I feel unsafe or anything but more triggering me to put me in that s****y headspace I was in with my ex. I’ve come home and binge ate. I really wanted to reach for a glass of wine but I’m working tomorrow. I’m acually glad. I didn’t ask his name so I don’t know for sure but if it is him it’s sad to hear he’s still making others miserable and actually sounds like he’s gotten worse. (detail removed by Moderator)

[starryeyed]

Hey Hopesprings,

I’m sorry you are in a horrible headspace tonight. Do you reckon it actually could be your ex or do you reckon it is the story being similar? – sometimes these guys seem to all be from the same stock, had same things happen to them, operate in the same way. That’s so unnerving. How long have you been away from your ex?

Try and be kind to yourself tonight x*x

[SunshineRainflower]

Yes I was thinking the same as Starreyed, it is scary how similar these men are, I have frequently thought ‘I wonder if she is talking about my ex and he went out with her too?’ when I hear others stories because my ex sounds so similar to many other people’s abusive exes.

I agree it can be really triggering thinking of them with others, I definitely felt really envious at first when I was still super trauma bonded but now I mostly feel worried for his future victims because I fear he will eventually hurt someone badly, I hate thinking that my ex is out there continuing to hurt many other women with so few consequences, like most of these dreadful men. I think it’s one really positive thing about reporting them – their future partners can find out the truth through Clare’s law and the police will see a pattern if they keep doing it making them easier to prosecute.

Maybe keep talk to this colleague to a minimum for now if it is triggering, there are so many topics I have to avoid at the moment otherwise I get triggered and feel rubbish for the rest of the day (for example I struggle with people talking about their weddings, it all feels so trivial and superficial and depressing after going through an abusive relationship).

[Hopesprings]

I can’t say too much on here as to why I think it was him but it wasn’t the abuse part that made me think it was him it was other details plus the stuff he was doing. I feel okay today and just see it as a blip yesterday.

[KIP.]

Amdygdala

This is the fire detector part of the brain. The part that decides what is threatening. When we have been exposed to abuse sometimes this fire detector goes off when it shouldn’t because all the wires are crossed. The triggers you’re feeling, even by hearing about a man who has the same hobby as your ex, are perfectly understandable. And normal. This is what I went through but the good news is that the triggers become less and less over time and The panic passes much more quickly. I would say if they get worse for a longer period of time then perhaps some more counselling is needed. Don’t forget we have had terrible shock and trauma over a long period of time x hang in there. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Sadly these men don’t change. It’s in their personality to abuse. Someone else’s problem now. Just concentrate your energy on your own recovery x

[lover of no contact]

‘Someone else’s problem now!!’, I’ll second that.

I’ve had to go No Contact with a few abusers and they have moved unto someone else. So glad they are someone else’s problem now. My life and mind/emotions are so much more peaceful now without them. The only thing I have to deal with like you are the occasional triggers.

[Hopesprings]

Yes, and as time goes on the triggers become less and more manageable. Hoping that when I get accepted for therapy again I can work through some of this.

[Serenity]

Hi Hope Springs,

Triggers can come out of nowhere. It’s horrible when it happens.

The sad fact is that, despite them denying fault and trying to make us believe it was all our fault, they are horrible people who have no remorse and will behave the same way to others. Unfortunately, we cannot help the next woman. They will have to learn their own lesson.

Even after we are out, we can feel psychologically unsafe. I need to sometimes remind myself that I am out of the relationship ship and to list the things that mean that I am- it can become – independent from him. My own key, my own money, the ability to choose my daily activities, not having to have him in my home, not having to ever have him touch me again.

Reminding myself of these realities helps me whenever I feel that he’s got into my head again or is affecting me all over again.

X*x

[Author]

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