This topic contains 51 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by  Iwantmeback 5 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #67850
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    Ive been seperated a year, well year and a half. Have tried everything to support his relationship with my children (well his too, but dont like to call them ours now). My solicitor, ive spoken to one again now says im still in the cycle of abuse. That im allowing him to emotionally abuse me now. I wonder if shes right.
    Im having panic attacks now, ive had 3 in last 2 weeks. Each has happened when dealing with an aggressive child at work, the child is 8. Im able to restrain her if needed, ( have needed to 3 times) but then afterwards i panic. I cry for like 15/20 minutes then im hyperventilating. I dont understand why im reacting this way, this cant be right. Why am i having panic attacks now? Why cant i seperate his anger from this childs anger? Its so messed up, i feel so humiliated and ashamed by this. Its made worse because i know people at work are seeing me like this. They can all see that i cant cope with this, its degrading. I dont know what to do. Its so hard to keep going back. God i thought it would feel better to say, well write, all a this. To share it. But im still just as overwhelmed, as confused and ashamed as i was to begin with.

  • #67858
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi mixed up how are doing? The situation you’re dealing with, restraining the child, is triggering something subconsciously in you related to your OH. No wonder you’re panicking. Did you go down the counselling road or deal with it yourself. The type of anger must be similar, uncontrolled rage? Can you speak to your doctor about this, it could be a delayed reaction to the stress you were under while you were living with him. I hope you get some peace.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #67868
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    I had counselling last year, it helped so much. There were things then (men shouting, people behind me) that i couldnt handle, not a panix attack (i know that now) but juat distressed. I can handle them now. This is new for me and it makes me feel so hypocritical i tell him about grabbing me but then im grabbing/ albeit retrainin this child. Whilst i logically undertand it, emotionally im not drawing a line and separating. I feel so ashamed that i cant control it, do embarassed that people at work are seein this. Even now on the way to work and i want to scream, i want to cry. With each panic attack i feel as though im losing part of me, as though im losing my sense of myself, of my confidence. (It seems so dramatic to say but no less true). I cant accept that i can make the hardest decisions of my life, come through it and yet im here now in this situation.
    I had an appointment with a solicitor i wont have contact with my ex but want him to see the kids (only for a little bit cause dont feel he can handle long periods of time), she thinks hes still emotionally abusive. I think i agree with her. I think the last year ive tried so many thinga to support his relationship with my hildren that ive unintentionally allowed the control and emotional stuff to continue. Im tyin to rectify that but im strugglin to accept that ive allowed it.
    I think im broken. I dont know any other way to say it, or what else to feel.
    Only my kids and the need to give them the best that i can, that they deserve, the need to change any impressions that may have been damaged by the last few years is what keeps me getting up, going to work, but isnt that wrong as well? Is it fair for them to be my reason?

  • #67872
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi mixed up, broken is a very good description. , isn’t it😪
    You do what’s right for the children and yourself that’s all that matters! He stopped being a part of your family when he started being abusive. It’s the slowness of it, how it creeps up on you and before you know it, you’re in the middle of a maelstrom.
    You restraining that child is so different to him doing it to you. On the outside it looks the same, but the intentions of it are polar opposites. He may have said he was doing it to stop you hurting yourself or him, but he was using power and control in an abusive way NOT in the way you did for that child.
    I remember driving to work,(still do now,) the tears streaming down my face. Sitting in the car park and the frustration of it all. I was sobbing my heart out literally breaking into a thousand pieces and i couldn’t stop the tears. They are a release fir what you can’t release at home, that’s all.
    Our determination to leave will eventually become a reality, but there’s a long road to travel. We are all here with you every step of the way. 💜
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68016
     Butterflyboo 
    Participant

    Ah Mixedup, that sounds really tough. It sounds like you work in school / social care – do you have reflective supervision where you could talk through your feelings and how work is impacting on you? Or do you need some time out of work to work through some of that emotional stuff so you are in a better place to go back and do your job? x

  • #68049
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    I had some time off (Detail removed by Moderator) when everything was so fresh, i dont want to do it again. Im trying councilling again and have made referrals both in and out of work.
    Even now with no contact between me and him he tries to control.
    Im screwing up the kids cause they dont call him in the week (they can call if they ask im through keep telling them to call him).
    Then the one day he gets them from (Detail removed by Moderator) and then he tells me he wont be here til (Detail removed by Moderator). Am i being dramatic? I never know when it comes him.
    Im thinking i need to block his number so he cant even text me, but then how do i allow him to see the kids.
    I dont know what to do, i just want a break. I want time to breathe, i feel like im suffocating between him and work and now these panic attacks everything feels too hard. I cant even remember it feeling this hard last year.

  • #68058
     Anonymous

    Hi there, It’s because your situation is never ending, that you feel this way. You cant see an end in sight and that’s soul destroying. Do you think maybe you have PTSD? Its impossible to start the healing process with hiM in the picture. You need clear lines with child contact be a use he will muck u and the kids about. Go no contact get a third party for communication. Then you’ll start to heal. You can get a minute of agreement to avoid court and he has to stick to strict times. Once you stand up and say no more take control away he will maybe give up. One way or another stripping his power away and exposing him will not play out well for him. Go no co tact for yourself a d get some good support and councelling. Allow yourself time. Xx DIY

  • #68062
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    Im trying. I dont know of a third party that i can use, so ive gone back to my solicitor to try and get somethin in writing and official for my peace of mind and so he sticks to it. I will have to go back to her again this week cause a the weekend. I feel physically sick now, on the verge of vomiting. Why doesnt anything i do work?
    Im trying my best, i keep trying my best and nothing ever works. When i feel like things are starting to gt better then everything falls apart again. I tried no contact for 2 weeks i did this.
    Im literally back to step 1 where i was in (Detail removed by Moderator) when i first left him. Nothings really changed.

  • #68063
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Perhaps you’re waiting for him to change? It won’t happen. I would rather use a contact centre than see my ex face to face. You have the right to live a safe peaceful abuse free life. His controlling behaviour is making you ill. It needs to stop. The best way for this to happen is zero direct contact. Meantime some good trauma counselling is required and perhaps sit down with Human Resources and ask for extra help or restricted duties meantime? I think the trauma stays with us, we just learn new ways to deal with it x

  • #68065
     Anonymous

    Like KIP says contact centre a really good option. Maybe use a contact book. So that you don’t have to have direct contact. Awe honey it’s be a use your feeling so traumatised it so hard to organise all of this and put it into action when he’s made you feel like this xx 💕 DIY I can help with the practical stuff if you like, you can. Pm me, I’d be happy to help xx Get your counselling under way and then you’ll feel clearer. I had to take antidepressants at this point I was truly cracking under the strain. Once it switched of my anxiety I could make plans, phone calls etc. Before I just didn’t know where to begin. Xx

  • #68898
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    The kids didnt call him (detail removed by moderator), he called me later than what there bedtime was so i didnt answer call.
    He text saying (detail removed by moderator)
    Then text again (detail removed by moderator)
    Then text again (detail removed by moderator)
    Im so scared and i feel threatened by this, im thinking am i overreacting, being paranoid. I dont feel like i am, but im scared i can hear his voice telling me your being paranoid. Your a wreck. Look at you. Wish i knew if what i was feelin is right. I dont know what to do.

  • #68902
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi mixedup, this is awful for you. He’s still verra much in your head. Only you really know what he’s capable of, you’re the one who lived with him and his abuse and his threats. If you can, could you call the police, it sounds as if he’s starting to threaten a lot more. Are you still talking to any one at women’s aid? Have you spoken to your doctor as to how hes still making you feel.. it’s too much to deal with especially at this time of year. Could you text him ome last time, say all future contact with the children is going to be done through courts and then contact centre. If you(he) continue to harass me, I’ll contact the police. Don’t get in to anything on the phone. Did you get a non harassment or non molestation orders put in place. If so, he’s breaking it.
    I wish I could advise you more, but this is a part of abuse ive never had to cope with.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68903
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Hes emotionally blackmailing you and twisting the situation. He brought you to this point and hes shifting the blame on to you. The advice above is spot on. The birth certificate is an inadvertent threat set to throw you off kilter. Id get a solicitor to deal with that. You could put a pay as you go phone in place for him only. Ask a good friend or family member to deal with the correspondence, let him know it wont be you and why. I did this and he refused that sais it all. Your being reasonable in offering his this mode of contact. If he does not accept he will look unreasonable in court. Get all your evidence down on paper there is a way to prove emotional abuse. GP, diary, witnesses to write down what they saw felt. Sounds like you need to take this to court. Lean on your solicitor and take a step back xxxx

  • #69227
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    I don’t believe it, I can’t believe I did this. I invited him for Christmas, I only did this cause my family were suppose to be coming, thought it would be safe, and the kids would get to see him for Christmas, but then my family were ill and didn’t come up. He kept saying to Mr yesterday he couldn’t get up to me, he had his hurt his leg so couldn’t walk, didn’t have the money for s taxi, he wanted to stay the night I told him no. I was being selfish, I need to get off my high horse, I need to start thinking of the kids. I thought he wasn’t coming but he turns up, he was nice to begin, some subtle comments about my being too controlling, not allowing him to drink, when I was letting him see the kids at. Nothing major for him, so it was ok ish I guess.
    I slept with him, even know I’m so upset and furious at myself, why why would I do this, I can’t believe I did this. I apologised to him if I was sending mixed messages and then he’s telling me he loves me. I told him he can’t, I don’t even know who me is, how can he love me, he loves the me that is a doormat, the me he knew years ago. I haven’t been physical with anyone since I split from him, and now it’s unprotected and I’m scared to death, what do I do if he’s given me something, what do I do if I’m pregnant. I can’t believe I did this. After this he was exactly what he use to be telling me that everything was fine until I started talking, telling my son that everything has to be done on my say so, that it’s all down to mum except mums changed and wants to control everyone. Telling me that I need to bring the kids to him, and I need to pick them up from him cause he did it. Telling me that I’m messed up and he hopes I get it together soon -off but then that’s fair I guess, cause I did this this is on me. What have I done, I’m so ashamed of myself, I guess at least on here no one knows me and just how stupid I’ve been.

  • #69240
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    You had a moment of weakness. It happens. Somewhere in there is the man you fell in love with before all the abuse happened, and with your vulnerability and possible loneliness, he managed to manipulate the situation.

    They know exactly what buttons to press in all situations, and the best ways to torture us. Hopefully you have got him out of your system a little. (I’d tell him that’s what I was doing in your shoes). Don’t torture yourself. You asked him around because you’re a lovely person and it’s hard to take in what harm can be in just a day. You wanted to give the children the chance to share their day with him, and maybe you thought he’d be lonely too. I know I struggle with feelings of guilt for making my OH go and fend for himself.

    I hope you can come to terms with what was, honestly, a silly mistake borne out of frustration and manipulation. Nothing to be ashamed of.

    By the way, there should be an emergency chemist open tomorrow where you can get the morning after pill if you’re really worried.

    Hold your head up and have a lovely day with the children tomorrow.

  • #69243
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there please dont be so hard on yourself. Your kindness to him just got carried away after all, I’ve had sex willingly with my husband twice this year, both times fairly recently because i was feeling compassion towards him, that was all. Any other time it’s done under duress. This is not on you, it’s just nature… if he thinks he’s got his feet under your table again because you slept together, burst his bubble. You only did it because you felt compassion. he doesnt get to call the shots anymore, be as strong as you can and say no. They hate being told no… i agree with going to the chemist tomorrow, for your pace of mind if nothing else.
    It was only sex, borne out of loneliness and him knowing how to manipulate you. Please dont let it eat you up, cos he wins again. Don’t give it a second thought.
    (detail removed by moderator)

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #69248
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    I wish i didnt feel any emotional taachment at all. I dont want to feel anything anymore. I just want to be numb. This hurts too much now. The constsnt fighting, trying. It was suppose to get easier. It was suppose to be easier to breathe, to get through each day but its not. I feel like im suffocating, like im lost with no real way of finding myself. Im so tired of being told its my fault, im tired of being told im controlling. Of how much im hurting him. And being selfish.
    More than that im tired of being back at the point where i wonder if hes right.

  • #69251
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Mixedup,

    I just wanted to show you some support. Please be kind to yourself, you have done nothing wrong. Perhaps how he is behaving demonstrates that he hasn’t changed, if you had any doubt about if things would be different if you gave him another chance this goes to show that his behaviour has not changed at all. It is interesting that while he is telling you what to do, where to be, where to drive him etc he is saying in the same breath that you are controlling. Abusive men often accuse their partners of being abusive and controlling and whilst it may be confusing, it is certainly not true. It sounds to me like you have really gained in strength and you should be very proud of yourself and how far you have come.

    If you want some advice and support then please do phone the helpline. With regards to contraception and any other fears perhaps this link can help – https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/getting-contraception/

    Best wishes,

    Lisa
    Forum Moderator

  • #69268
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    HEllo there,
    Just wanted to show some support too. It is very hard when you have kids with someone.

    So easy for those who don’t think to say ‘leave it behind etc’.

    But we still have to manage contact. And maybe that is a good way of seeing it, as something to be managed.

    And as others have said, there are tips and techniques which you can try to get back some of that
    headspace which you need for yourself to think clearly and live the life you want.

    I too, haven’t got a third party to do contact, so the way women’s aid said to work it was to
    suggest meeting in a public space with CCTV (for example a railway station or a library even) – which sets up some boundary for you and your child. Even without a contact order you can suggest this and
    try to be assertive about it. Later when you are strong enough you can suggest this goes in to a contaat order.

    Over time, when you have a routine about it does get easier, and changes as they get older. Although I can say it is never a walk in the park, I have got better at getting support for myself during contact time and afterwards. That could be as simple as having a friend to phone to say you are safe and at the end having your child back. Looking forward to the next day, the evening at home. Taking yourself for lunch.

    I wouldn’t pretend to suggest that any of these things would definitely work for you as we are all different. But I do know that those of us in that situation can support each other, especially on here, you don’t need to say the exact contact times but if you can post on here and say one is coming up and you need support I’m sure we will be there to make encouraging noises.

    I am x years into a court residence order for me, which I was grateful for – and I put detail into it so that I never need to argue with my ex, (although he steps out of line often enough) – but it has helped – I have used another phone that I switched on and off just before so that he never had access to my phone.

    Just wanted to say you are not alone in this. Hope some of these things might work for you.

    Forgive yourself for sleeping with your ex. We are all human, even without that situation boundaries need to be worked on and don’t just come into existence overnight (although some do, the court order for example). But feelings are different.

    So what if you did that. You are still doing well and can do something different today.

    all the very best and well done for getting this far
    ftc
    x

  • #69275
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    He gave my kids money for christmas, who gives a child under 10 (more than £100 – removed by moderator) but barely even pays child maintenance telling them he will take them shoppin next day. Who expects a child under 10 to wait and spend that money. He tells them to call him when they wake up. They do this, many times with no answer. When he finally answers their call it is to tell the youngest to tell the oldest to shut up cause the oldest is excited and yelling. It is to then to tell them he wants to speak to the grown up then to tell me no way can they spend that money with me, why would i give them that idea (grammar in text means is was obviously sent by my child), then tells us all that he goes to bed at a different time to us and gets up to a different time to us. That he is going back to bed.
    Both my kids started crying, telling eachother that daddy was kind to give them that money but really mean to not let them spend it.
    Who expects them to wait?
    Who wants to get up at 7am with a child, we do it because the childs routine is that, because at this time that is what the child needs/ wants and that is more important.
    My son tells me he feels daddy treats him and his brother like rats (why rats? He tried to explain and was saying something about them bein little- i didnt understand it but that is how my child feels).
    I cant do this to them now. I told them i would give them some money (not that much i so cabt afford that) whih they can spend now. Their dad can have his money back (i dont know how to explain that to my children, but he cant try and control them like that. Their hildren im so tired of them ceying over him and being disappointed in him. Hes hurtin them so much.
    Im stopping contact again for their sake now.
    I know hes angry at me, but thats my fault why do my children need to suffer for it.
    What have i done

  • #69278
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    Please remember – you haven’t done anything apart from be a good mum be there for them and set a good example.

    Unfortunately, abusive men can’t cope with that and will never, ever tell you that you are a good mum
    That is because they want control over you. That is how it is.

    Getting to a place where you know you are a good mum and what he says doesn’t make any difference to this,
    is maybe a matter of years of hard work (and in my case at least, shed loads of therapy).

    We are with you going forward.

    P.s. Don’t give the money back. Spend it on something that benefits you and your kids. A takeaway, a trip out? Stash it away for security in future.

    Thinking of you
    ftc
    x

  • #69279
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Any contact with him will cause you pain. He is using your children to hurt you. It doesn’t matter that you’re the best mum in the world, he will undermine you and destroy your relationship with your children. Continue to destroy their mental health. They simply do not care about their own children. Such is their determination to destroy you. Absolutely zero contact is the only way to ever keep yourself safe and allow your children to thrive. Abusers are liars, manipulators and abuse always gets worse. He has shown you his true colours, believe him x

  • #69427
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    He text me telling me (detail removed by Moderator)- shouldnt he be wanting them to spend it? Isnt that his way of controlling them- or is it his way of manipulating me?
    My kids dont care, i gave them some money it wasnt as much as he did, but i explained i didnt have enough then let them go out when they were ready to- so excited just to be able to spend it, to do what they want.
    Me ive just ignored all texts now, whilst i delve in guilt for my kids wrecked christmas (i hope when they think of christmas this year it wont all be bad).
    I hope for their sake im through with this, part of me still feels like im.waiting for someone to tell me what i should be doing. Am i dramatising? Was he fair in telling the kids not to spend the money? Is it me trying to control everything and justify it by saying that its him?
    I thought these questions were through its been years and yet it seems with the discovery, the reaction of these panic attacks at work i am back to questioning and doubting myself.
    How do i know what the right thing is?

  • #69478
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    I kind a lot it today with him, I allowed him to get me. I’ve had my phone on do not disturb it’s been great, I never hear my phone go off. So I ignore everything, then he text me (detail removed by Moderator). I lost it. Telling him, well texting him that (detail removed by Moderator)
    (detail removed by Moderator)
    I’m tired of all of his controlling and manipulations, now it extends to the kids too.
    Just wish I could stop second guessing myself now, could stop doubting. I’m struggling to do what I fear may be the best course of action. I fear that once again stopping him from seeing the kids is the best way forward whilst equally I fear that I want to do rather than feel it’s best.
    I dread and fear that I’m contemplating doing that for myself and not my children.

  • #69560
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    I did a pregnancy test, yesterday one was invslid. Today was negative. The feeling was indescribable, so much relief. I know its still too early to take the result as true but it gives me hope.
    As i sit here now watching my boys play togetber, im filled with so much hope and optimism. This, what im seeing right now is what im doing all this far. To see my boys grow, to watch the respect and friendship they shower on each other, and me. To know, to hope, to believe that what im showing, what im giving them will overtake what they see the first few years. To give them the self respect, the self belief and self value that allows them to build strong, secure and true relationships.
    This what im watching right now, what my boys show me, gives me the courage, the push to TRY each day, to live each day.
    Im seeing what im doing this for. I feel good today, a bit more secure, but still so very very scared- i dont want to keep being scared. I want to keep doing, i want to keep hoping.
    K dont know how much of this makes sense but this helps, more than i realise.

  • #69568
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi mixedup, it’s good to hear you’re feeling calmer, it’s so strange how our emotions are off the scale one minute, because of something he says or does and then with a bit of breathing space we see some light at the end of the tunnel.
    I often feel I’m alone in what I’m doing as I can’t talk to my children or family about what I’m doing, the only support network I have is the amazing women on here and my support worker at WA, when and if I contact her. If my oh was worse I wonder if I’d be wanting her help more often, as it is, I’m trying to deal with this on my own.i am not one for reaching out, bring on here is the first time I’ve spoken as openly and honestly to anyone in my life🙂

    Its a lovely picture you’ve shown us, you watching your boss playing, it sounds calm and loving. Enjoy those moments they grow up so dam..d quick.

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #69591
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    I do, i treasure those moments more than anything else. I treasure the minutes when they are laughing and dance me around the kitchen, because i remember all those moments they couldnt. Those moments where my worry and my words were shh you wake your dad. Dad had a late night, or those times where we were so quiet for worry of waking him. Its not as bad as i make out, he was never as bad as he could have been. I know that, i know he loves his boys but he loves them on his level, and when they dont do what he wants he shouts and yells. Thats not how it should be, shouting is a final resort when frustration level reaches and they truly dont listen, shouting is something unavoidable but it is not something everyday, it is not something meant to eclipse all happiness and laughter (i know i have high expectations, he told me that often enough).
    I dont really talk to anyone, so like you ive come to rely on this forum.
    Ive realised that just by saying it, it provides me with a bit more clarity, a bit more insight.
    In time i hope it can help me overcome my guilt, perhaps even identify myself.
    There are lights at the end of the tunnel, there are stars in the dark- its just being able to remind myself/ yourself of where they are every minute, and more than that being able to see it.

  • #69594
     Apricotpoppy 
    Participant

    Hi Mixed up ,
    Good to hear you are getting back on track with things again .
    Enjoy your fun times with your boys. It is so great to be free to laugh and be silly without grumps putting a damper on things or spoiling it outright. The less contact the better I find.

    Best wishes x

  • #69613
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    Thats the sad thing isnt it. The less contact the better. For them they are laughing, they are happy. They havent asked about seeing him because i told them (detail removed by Moderator) they were not seeing him again. For me my phone is on do not disturb so i never hear it go off, its such a relief it was only when he told me i was out of order that i got angry and responded that (detail removed by Moderator) minutes of my kids crying, (detail removed by Moderator) that i did this.
    I dont want to do this, but ive now realised this maybe for the best. His anger at me is taken out on his children and thats not ok.
    As much as i feel like its the best decision im scared im making this decision for me, and to try and make things easier for me rather than for my children.

  • #69635
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Its not your doing was best for you kids, being a protective mum xx keep going your doing great 🙂 xx DIY

  • #69647
     Starsindarkness 
    Participant

    I just want to say, you’re not broken, just a little cracked. How you feel and your triggers are normal for what happened to you. If someone even raises there voice at me I have a panic attack it is humiliating considering I had quite thick skin before. My ex emotionally abused me through my child so badly, for me it was the worst kind of abuse. Can you have a middle man that you can communicate through to decide when he sees the children. As when you’re still in contact it’s so much harder. Best wishes x

  • #69648
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    Thankyou.

  • #69657
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    I dont even want to do it via a middle man, (detail removed by Moderator). I want a routine that he has to keep to for their sake as this year has had so much upheaval and instability for them- they deserve better.
    I feel so heartbroken now, having not let them see their dad since (detail removed by Moderator) or call him either and my son was just saying to me that daddy is angry, we all have wrong sides we have to be there for daddy. It is harder to get through that maze when you have no family so daddy needs us there. My son was crying through out this. My son has had his own anger issues to deal with, through the last (detail removed by Moderator) years he has struggled through it so much. He use to get angry and he would hit me or scream and yell at me. We atill have points where he gets angry but he talks about it or asks for some space and will talk to me later. Now he relates his anger with his dad’s and feels like we need to be there for his dad, and that we arent because i wont let his dad live with his. He let me hug him as he said some of this, i hurt so much for him but i feel like i have to do this. I told him it wasnt his responsibility to help dad through this, he isnt even (detail removed by Moderator) and he said to me then whose is it. I had no idea he felt like this, i know he is angry at me because he is beginning to understand that i wont have his dad live with us again, his dad keeps saying to him he loves me and wants us to work it out which i guess maybe playing with his head a little. I had no idea he felt this responsibility or was able to compare his anger with his dads this way, i dont know what to do for him, i dont know how to make tbis hurt go away for him.
    Ive got one son hurting so much he just cries and withdraws when we talk about it, and one that just wont take it seriously when we talk about it and jokes and is silly through the whole conversation. I hurt for them and with them and am so confused on how to bring them through it.

  • #69659
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    It might be worth getting them some specialist counselling MU I’m thinking about this too. There’s been alot of drinking over Christmas etc and people get boysterous, my daughter is majorly triggering. It’s really hard supporting your kids when your feeling exactly the same. I’m there right now. I honestly think we have to hold our hands up and get expert help. I do worry with the stigma attached to this, all we can do is our best and be there to listen xx 💕 💕 sending a hug and solidarity xx

  • #69675
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    Ive pushed for councilling so they now start with their school councillor next week. I worry that hugs and listening might not be enough. I know hes angry at me, i keep reminding him its ok to be angry but he gets more upset and says its not. He wants to support his dad and i think he relies on the safeguarding and protection i offer- but the two are in direct contradiction, he shouldnt have the responsibility of supporting his dad with his anger. I wish i could explain that i hope thst by not seeing them, his dad will overcome and fight for them. But i cant give him that hope when theres more chance he wont.

  • #69677
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    When were in the custody part of sorting things out were asked to make the kids available to see their dad. The court expects that. I don’t agree with this take because it puts all father’s under one umbrella (the good,capable dad)how do you explain the reasoning behind that to a child? Especially when they know something is up. Kids are perceptive.

    We can’t pretend these guys dont have problems, attitudes and beliefs that don’t do us any favours or the kids moreover.Kids learn by mimicking us, we mould them into the wee people they become. Protecting your kids come first, they don’t understand yet the reason why. It’s really the hardest situation to face. It’s great that they’re getting counselling, I’m going to do the same. Both my kids need to talk to someone. The thing that keeps me going and I’ve been researching this, the damage can be untangled, undone. I honestly believe all we can do when we’re faced with diversity is to grab hold of it and take in a positive direction. I don’t know if that makes sense.I honestly believe we will recover. I think we have to a d remember kids are very resilient, keep going your doing your best 💕💪diy ❤

  • #69678
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Maybe once the counselling is underway she/he might give you some feed back (with your son’s consent) that way once you know where he’s at you’ll know when to reel contact in. If it’s be coming detrimental to him then it might be time to stop it or look at other avenues. A break from contact could help. Xx 💕 💕 DIY

  • #69680
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Adversity not diversity! I’m still drip feeding myself coffee this morning ☺xx

  • #69765
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    Im so tired of everything being so difficult- i thought doctors were suppose to do sexual health checks, now the doctor saying nope we wont do anything for you, you need to find someone to have your kids and go to a sexual health clinic. I dont have anyone to have my kids, my ex cant for obvious reasons. My family dont live near me and are ill at present so cant travel. I dont have a childminder and when kids are at school i am working and wotk wont let me have time off thy still keep reminding me they let me have so much time off for my counselling.
    I dont know what to do, i mean im scared to death of going to my place and yet i dont even have anyone to have my kids anyways, but what happens if hes given me something. I wish i knew what to do, im scared and im tired but i guess karma and i cant believe i slept with him, why on earth did i do something so stupid.

  • #69766
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    You could always call the clinic and ask if the kids could be with one of the staff there to let you go in to see the doctor. I’m sure they would accommodate it is their job to make sure your health is taken care off. (detail removed by Moderator) xx

  • #69782
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    Thats an idea, i just thought sexual health clinic and panicked. I will ask that tomorow. Thank you! Im just so scared of it, i feel like everything is tidal waving me at the minute.

  • #69796
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi mixedup, I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and will pray that you are okay with no disease from him
    Best wishes.
    IWMB 💕🐟

  • #69844
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    He was texting me (removed by moderator)
    He said (removed by moderator) I cant call it being intimate cause it certainly wasnt that, i dont really know what it was, certainly a mistake and a very costly one at that. Why does his words still hurt though? I suppose on some level, i fear he is right, or more than that i believe he is right. I was wrong to be with him that way, physically, so very wrong and even now the shame that i feel well it is beyond description. It hurts, actually i think everything hurts at the minute. Im so drained, by all of this. So exhausted.

  • #69847
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Triggers, you’ll be fine, I’m sure the results will be ok and even if they’re not most STDS are treated with antibiotics.He’s manipulated you into bed, to get to you again emotionally.

    You did the right thing making him aware that the name calling with your son is not acceptable. He won’t listen though, you will inevitably have to put safety measures in place for child contact. This will get easier when you go not contact for yourself with him. It’s hard to make that stand initially but it will give you incentive when you see your health improving. Give yourself some healing time xx DIY 💕

  • #69851
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I was wondering if you could skip or shorten a counselling session and go for the STI test then. It will put your mind at ease. I had one done through my doctor. It was scary at the time but it’s the right thing to do. You must look after your physical health as much as possible. It also left me with the feeling that I would never ever let that dirty man near me again.

  • #70539
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    How do you know if you make the right choice? When you make a decision, a split second impulsive decision that could have far reaching implications?
    My children phoned their dad, it was not a nice call he wants them to stay overnight, (detail removed by moderator) but isnt going to get them this weekend. He went as fe as telling them thy dont need to listen to me that i am bad.
    I could see the confusion and the anger in my childrens face, and when he said he would call (at a certain time) and video chat i made the split second impulsive decision to enable do not disturb and hid my phone under my pillow not allowing the call, its not somethin i’ve done before i always allow them that choice, i just couldnt bear to see that heartbreaking confusion and so i took that choice from them.
    I feel really guilty, jut deserved i guess. I apologised to them this morning, but its really playing with my head.
    I took their choice away and regardless of reason i dont feel like thats ok.

  • #70541
     KIP. 
    Participant

    When you see confusion and anger in your children’s face you block the source of that confusion and anger. You’re protecting your children. If there is a court order in place then you and your children will have some sort of continuity and control. Abusers love to mess things up. Set us up to fail. Cause chaos. They thrive on it. A legally binding contact order is where to begin then you can refer to it when he starts messing with the children’s head. It also keeps your contact to a minimum. This will go on for years until you regain control. Don’t defend his behaviour to them. Give them the confidence to challenge his behaviour x

  • #70547
     Mixedup 
    Participant

    I like to hope thats what im doing i accepted my older sons anger but explained i was doing what i felt best and why. My youngest was angry that his dad would call me bad. All day ive felt this guilt, this sadness and its because ive done something i swore i wouldnt do. I took their choice, i made it for them. It devastates me, and i dont know what to do. There was a letter sent by solicitor lettin him know this was my last attempt to try and have a routine between us and no court order. I guess it has to be a court order. Why does it have to come to this? Why cant things just i dont even know,

  • #70548
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Sounds like you’re still very traumatised and still stuck in the Fear Obligation and Guilt. The FOG of abuse. I made the mistake too of believing that my abuser could be reasonable and would put his child’s welfare first. It just not going to happen. It might take many many let downs for the penny to drop, when it does, there’s no looking back. He has had chance and chance and he simply is not willing to do things any other way than his. To fulfil his sense of power and control. It’s time to let the legal system deal with him. It might cost more in the short term but the long term sense of continuity and peace is well worth it. Meantime make sure you’re keeping a detailed journal of his behaviour and the impact on you and your children. Confide in your GP. Their evidence is a great source of support. Don’t ever think abusers live by any sort of rules that you live by. There are no rules for abusers. Do not waste time trying to work them out. Just understand that they care for no one but themselves and everyone else including their own children are just collateral damage.

  • #70553
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Try your hardest not to justify to yourself anymore. You have tried youve done your best to make everything alright but its not going to be, not with an abuser. His actions are making you ill, and now the children are not only seeing you distressed theyre getting distressed. So as far as a court order you have lots of options, contact centre and supervised contact(this is a responsible option and a safe one)your also being reasonable all the courts want to see is consistency and an offer of some sort of contact. He could get worse with what he is doing it could be indirect contact(letters and emails)Sometimes through the courts its abit of negotiation (with abusers through the solicitor and a third party for communication) it is honestly the only way otherwise youll be beating your head of a wall. If you offer unsupervised contact thats usually when these men use the contact to undermine you through the kids. Its really c**p but its worth looking at the safe options available to you if your thinking of making this official. xxxx diy THe best way to start is to either get someone else to answer a pay as you go phone for only arrangements or emergencies. or someone else to take care of the emails. I think youll find you wont hear from him so much his intention is to get at you.

  • #70554
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    its your right to do this, so many women in the past have succumbed to what they feel the authorities require you to do. Some of these authorities dont understand the dynamics of domestic abuse and also how these men use contact for their own gain.Its really important to take that stance and back it up with all the evidence you have, because its enough. I promise xx

  • #70579
     wheredoibegin 
    Participant

    Hi triggers, I hope your doing OK! I just wanted to say your coping so well. Please don’t feel guilt over not allowing the video call either, you did that to protect your children. It was not fair on them for him to be speaking about you like that to them. My advise similar to the other ladies is record everything. Keep Any texts and note how the calls made the children feel. My ex was the same, ringing, texting constantly, making me feel so guilty. It was using this forum that showed me no contact was the only way to go and it was the best decision I ever made! Just concentrate on you and your children. If he genuinely wants to see them then let him go to court where you can get everything put down and sorted. It will get easier, just keep looking fwd and slowly you will get there, xx

  • #70592
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I agree wirh all the ladies replies. You are doing what any mum would do, you’re protecting your children. This isn’t about them choosing you speak to their dad or not. Children aren’t mature enough to make decisions unless based on feelings. It’s only as we get older and have life experience that we see the bigger picture so to speak. Continue what you’re doing, go by yours gut now, she’ll not let you down. No matter if the children cry or make a fuss about, you’re the parent, they can’t protect themselves from him but you can. Good luck for future contact, writing down what he does how it makes them feel or how they act afterwards. DIY put a really good post the other day with different scenarios that children act out with contact with abusers.

    IWMB 💕💕

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