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Finally I realise it’s over. He was fine when I wasn’t aware he was with someone else. Now I know he is he’s turning a whole lot worse. He has accused me of hitting him and even told the kids I did. I actually didn’t. He has a small pin mark on his face. I’m 100% certain it wasn’t me. I wasn’t anywhere near him. Whilst having the kids he’s shouted out the car your abusive. He has said he’s arranged a meeting with the kids school to mention my recent violent outburst and therefore they need to be keeping an eye on the kids. I can’t believe hes home this far. He said my child is now at an age where he can choose who he wants to live with. If I don’t agree with him he’s trying to put kids in car to take them. He says he’s getting a harassment order on me. Iv done nothing wrong. It’s making me ill and I feel so sick that he could do this. I’m going to ring the docs tomorrow so atleast I can log it. Not sure how much more I can take. He’s filming me when coming to the house and he’s always dictating when he’s seeing kids. I need help.
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Hi Distraught, aye he’s showing his colours now too. I know schools don’t like to get too involved but can you speak to the head teacher, I take it you’ll know her/him more than your husband does/did, and she/he you. Let them know you’re estranged, that the relationship is abusive and that he’s threatening to drag your name through the mud and ask their advice on who you should speak to in order to protect your children or allow them someone to speak to through how they’ll be feeling, if it’s something the school provides.i told my kids teachers about when we split up, asked them to keep an eye on them. This will show that your looking out for your children’s interests more than causing the school to take sides. It really is getting in there first. You don’t have to go into detail, the less you come across as the crazy ex the better. The more they’ve had to deal with you and the calmer and together you appear will work in your favour.
As for him accusing you of hitting him, hang tight, unless the police get involved he’s bl..ing hot air.He has to prove it, IF they get involved they are only following up procedure, but it’s also an opening for you to open up about his abusive behaviour.Its also time you got his abuse in the open and get a non molestation order against him. The kids may be of an age that they can choose who to live with but in an abusive relationship this would be fir the courts to decide not him. He’d only bully or bribe them into choosing him.
I think if you haven’t already it’s time to contact womens aid and get a solicitor who is versed in DA. He’s relying on your being unable to stand up to him, prove him wrong sweetheart, show him just how strong you are.IWMB 💕💕
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Hi, yes Iv already spoke to the school and explained. The funny thing is I know he’s probably lying about speaking to school. Iv got a solicitors appointment on Wednesday. It’s like torture, yet again he’s cancelled having them (detail removed by moderator). I’m meeting other people, however I know they are bad boys. I know I’m probably going to get hurt. I completely choose the wrong people. On a plus side Iv noticed that my over thinking has disappeared since he left. Also Iv been talking to friends that I thought liked him. It seems to be everyone hates him.
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Your last bit made me smile. The realisation that he’s not Mr wonderful and that there are others who don’t like him too, it’s like a weight is lifted from you.
They have this knack of still getting you to run around like a headless chicken, but the longer you’re away, the more you’re seeing through the FOG created by living in an abusive relationship. As fir meeting new people, you know the red flags to look out for, you know first hand what its like to live with an abuser, you’ll not go there again. Pracice your boundaries. Remember you don’t need any one else’s validation.
Good luck for next week.IWMB 💕💕
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Maybe you’re just not ready for new men yet? I knowvi wouldn’t be. It takes time to heal.
My ex has accused me of attacking him and hitting him. You have to remember that the police and other services deal with people like him every day so will hopefully recognise what’s really going on.
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Hello there,
Yes. Much of what you say very hurtful for you, but a standard dynamic in domestic abuse terms.They call it coercive control. A lovely woman in refuge said to me: “time to put your boxing gloves on…(meaning now was the psychological fightback…
Watch out for threats of things that he never really intends to do, (like going to see the head) – these function as a means to keep you scared.
Watch out too for what they call a ‘set-up’. For example, it might take the form of…he threatens to do something with a certain person…you go and speak to the person…he does nothing…and you are left looking ‘paranoid’ and he goes round telling people words to that effect…
OR: he picks an argument with you, just as some important person is due to arrive…i.e. family member, some official…so it will look as if you are being unreasonable…
You are entering new territory dealing with all this. It really is a bit like having to be your own private investigator. I would say.
Gas lighting. Time to look it up. Basically means he says one thing to you and another to everyone else behind your back.
Don’t tell him more than you have to.
Re: Bad boys. Stern advice from me here: Don’t. Please don’t.
New relationships can wait. You are going to have your work cut out defending yourself and with legal stuff and custody struggles.
You don’t want to do anything at this point that he can use against you.
Be warned, the standard accusations are: you are:
a) unfaithful b) mentally ill c) alcoholic/addicted to drugs… d) not the primary carer of your kids e) a negligent mother (i.e. leave them alone too often, nailbiting, kids depressed etc.) f) that you have an STI – (yes, really, I knew a mum in refuge whose ex accused her of this as well as being unfaithful – the woman was lovely and nearly nine months pregnant and huge with it…she herself laughed at the accusation…but it was still dragged thorugh the courts…’.
Expect him to try to separate you from your birth family.
Keep posting on here.
Well done for getting this far
all best
ftc
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OH and by the way it is excellent that he doesn’t want to have the kids right now from your point of view.
Saves you a lot of grief right now, although means that you don’t have child care relief. Get it elsewhere. Even if you have to pay for it right now.
Write it down keep a journal that he refused to have the kids.
Later on you will need a contact order so you can keep your boundaries around this.
all best
ftc
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oh yes and he will accuse you of being violent yourself.
Answer to that one: do the handovers in a public place, with CCTV.
If you can’t do a railway station, a public library is a good place.Public libraries are places of safety. The point being with CCTC and witnesses he can’t accuse you of being aggressive. So you are protecting yourself like that. Tell him you want the kids to be around books…
all best
ftc
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Hi Distraught, sorry for all the c**p being dished out but take courage – you are in the right. My husband constantly says he discusses our relationship with others and they told him this, or that, or the other, always in his favour of course and against me. But having become more informed about covert DA I now know he is lying – I’ve always thought it strange that other people never mentioned anything to me and behaved perfectly normally around me despite being told how terrible I was. As for not being liked – when he retired his work colleagues did not even give him a card and cut all ties. He was absolutely spitting blood with enraged entitlement especially when I received a card and gifts from ex-colleagues. Abusers live in a different universe from non-abusers. The trick is to keep grounded despite assaults that make us question ourselves. Our versions are the accurate versions which is why we should always keep journals so we can go back in time and revisit what really happened. Take care out there. X*X
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What he is doing is trying everything to discredit you. So that when his abuse is exposed, he has already discredited you so no one will believe you. Log his behaviour with your GP. If he has been violent/abusive in the past then you can make a statement to the police domestic abuse unit. Get everything out in the open. Keep a detailed journal of his behaviour including the times he has the children and the times he doesn’t pick them up. Get an access order through the courts or at least a solicitor so that he cannot keep the children and cannot decide when he will or will not have them. Don’t start dating other men at the moment. You will need all your energy to get through this next phase and you’re extremely vulnerable at the moment. Even if you don’t feel like it. Do not believe a word he says. Only deal with what is presented as facts by professionals. Get support from your local women’s aid too x
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