Trust issues when seeing someone new

[Losingbattle]

So I finally started seeing someone new a few months ago. We get on great. We live some distance from each other so usually spend weekends if we’re kid free. However my anxiety has started to build up. Worried itll go bad. More recently after a few drinks he told me that hes had some women message showing their interest and his ex wanting him back. He said he doesn’t want to pursue this and likes me. But I couldn’t help feeling so upset by it. He said his only reason for mentioning it was because its been on his mind that he needed to be honest with me. Yes I appreciate honesty. But why do I still feel sick to the stomach when I think about what he said regarding the ex and the women. Why am I finding it so hard to see the fact that he told me as a positive

[Eyesopening]

Hi, I think you feel like this because its a red flag..
The only purpose for him to tell you would be to make you feel bad, insecure and think: wow how lucky am I I am with him when there is so much competition?
My ex used to do that, say all these women are interested in him to make me feel jealous, insecure & like I had a catch.
Think if it was you, if you had an ex and other men messaging you, would you tell him?
If it was a complicated situation with the ex perhaps.. and you needed someone to talk to perhaps..
I would be interested to see others opinions on this are
xxxx

[Wants To Help]

Ah, the old chestnut of ‘triangulation’ described as honesty!

So, if I was seeing a new guy that I really liked and an ex got in touch with me telling me they wanted me back, what would I do? I’d tell the ex I’d moved on and that getting back was out of the question. No need to involve my new guy at all unless the ex started to harass me and I needed some support to deal with the harassment.

If I was seeing a new guy that I really liked and I was getting messages from other guys who were showing some interest, how and why would I be getting those messages from other men if I was with the one person I really liked? It would have to be from men who assumed I was free to date and had a way of contacting me, so possibly if I was still on a dating site and checking my profile regularly, replying to messages and being in touch with people who still assumed I was free to date and interested in them.

Trust is important and I get that we all have trust issues after abuse. I now believe trust has to be earned. I used to live by the rule that I’ll trust someone until I have a reason not to, but I learned that I was bit too naive to believe this and needed to have a bit more caution in place. Ask him how these women are contacting him and why would they contact him? Ask him how he has responded. Has he responded in a firm “sorry, not interested, I’m with someone” way, or is he keeping his options open in case things don’t go great with you?

Two months with someone is not a time to be able to know if you are in a committed relationship or not. Two months is enough time to know if someone makes you feel good and secure enough to want to carry on seeing them, and if not, time enough to know they’re not the man for you. So often we make the mistake of giving someone more time in the hope that it will improve.

If his behaviour is already making you feel anxious and the distance could be a problem then have the confidence to pull the plug on it and walk away from it if he is not meeting your needs or treating you how you want to be treated.

[Losingbattle]

It’s not his behaviour making me feel anxious. I’m just feeling this way in general. For instance, all the rest of the time he treats me well, we get on brilliantly and have so much in common. He is generally an open book and very honest. I sometimes feel like, is it too good to be true. I don’t think he intentionally set out to make me feel bad. He is a man with what u call a barrier up due to his ex cheating. Part of me thought maybe he informed so that there wasn’t any secrets

[Grey Rock]

Sometimes things can seem too good to be true for a reason, so I think it’s worth considering that to your gut has spoken to you in that regard. Also that often emotional manipulation does get disguised as ‘honesty’.

I know that lots of advise is that we don’t tell new partners about our past in regards to the abuse, as often we can be encouraged to divulge information that is later used against us.

I can understand that you want to see how this new relationship pans out, but it’s worth making a note of the things that make you feel uneasy / may be potential red flags, and proceed with caution. Statistically we are quite likely to attract potential abusers (the DV lady at the police station told me that when I went for the Clare’s Law disclosure on my ex when she suggested getting disclosures for any future partners).

Take care.
GR

[Eyesopening]

Hello again,
They are such good actors, you may think he is being honest in the moment.
But really, why would he tell you any of that.
I see a another possible red flag in your post:
‘He is a man with what u call a barrier up due to his ex cheating.’
This is so typical of an abuser, this was what my ex said of his ex. There is always an ex who didn’t treat them well. So they always have trust issues and think all women are bad. It’s always an excuse to be needy, distrustful etc. An excuse so we put up with bad behavior. I would love to hear the womens side.

There are some really great Dr Ramani videos on dating after a abusive/n**********c relationship, she also has one: Healthy vs. n**********c relationships. So you can see what healthy actually looks like. It’s so interesting because so much of their tactics have been romanticized by media and films that some red flags can be mixed up with what we think is romance. But needless to say these men are very very good at courting. So we need the upper hand and really knowledge is power. Keep a keen eye. Not just now but for all men, all boss’s, ect, they are out there. It’s our job to keep them out of our lives 🙂

x*x

[Neverthoughtitwouldbeme]

I can understand everyone’s thoughts on this but I also think until he gives you reason not to trust him why not just trust him?

He could go against this and hurt you OR he could turn out to just be an honest person and treat you right.

It is so hard to trust people after an abusive relationship but I also believe in gut feelings. If your gut says to run a mile, trust it!

At the same time, you can’t tarnish everyone with the same brush but you can be cautious.

Try to give people a chance. It can feel like a big leap but it might be the best thing you do.

I have moved on from my ex and not once have I questioned trust in my new partner as I just feel it. It is hard to describe but I just know he is a good person.

Hope this helps x

[Eyesopening]

I believe trust is not just given, it is earnt.
Abusers target certain women and we are targeted especially after an abusive relationship so we have to be extra careful. The amount of posts on here i have seen when a women has come out of one abusive relationship and into another is heartbreaking.
We should just be extra careful.
And actually all women should be extra careful. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Know our red flags and only trust when someone proves to us they are trustworthy.
That proof should come from actions and not words
Xx

[Losingbattle]

I don’t have any bad feelings regarding him. And I am very weary. I’ve become more aware of what to look for and I feel like I am a much stronger person. I do feel optimistic and all I know is that we get on, he treats me well which I haven’t had in such a long time. I do have a very open mind and am enjoying what it is at the moment. Yes I have days where what happened in the past sneaks it’s way into my thoughts but I guess with time it will get better. But I’m definitely not going to tar him with the same brush. We’ll see what happens. If it’s meant to be it will be I guess

[SOJA]

Trust your gut and if the situation makes you sick to your stomach then it is not right.
I made the mistake of not trusting my gut and now I regret wasting a very long time on a relationship that has brought me to my knees, not knowing who I was anymore…

[Hopefulgreyrock]

My initital reaction is he is telling you this to let it be known he is wanted, needed by others. As everyone knows it is a red flag. However, I also have a friend whose partner told her a similar thing because he didn’t want her to think he held secrets from her, knowing she went through an insecure patch. So, as everyone else said go with your gut. Dont lie to yourself now you know what to look out for. If he is bad news this wont be the only sign Im sure. Keep us updated please. As this is something I am worried about in terms in moving on. Learning to trust again after being lied to the whole time. Thankyou.

[Ariel]

I have the same thing, I seem to be obsessed that he wants to be back with his ex even though he says he doesn’t. He still has ex girlfriends and women that he’s seen in the past on his social media and I get worried that he’s talking to them.
I can’t tell if I’m paranoid because of trauma or if I’m right.
Your man could just be trying to be so transparent to you that you overthink it. Maybe he thinks he is doing the right thing.
I just can’t make out what’s normal anymore. I think it’s natural for us on here to jump to the worst case because we all have been through so much.

[Hereforhelp]

He is a man with what u call a barrier up due to his ex cheating.’

This jumped out at me as a red flag. My HD said this about his ex when we first met.

You trusted yourself and got away from an abusive relationship before, please trust your gut now. If I was with someone new, thr early stages, the last thing I would bring up would be an ex unless I had very good reason to. What are his reasons for bringing up ex and another woman (again a red flag as he is letting you know how desirable he is under the guise of honesty).

More recently after a few drinks he told me that hes had some women message showing their interest and his ex wanting him back

Also the above, I do not understand why anyone would say this a few months into dating someone new. Why would he want you to know that other woman are interested in him? Think about that for a moment…. if he doesn’t want their attention surely he would just block and ignore them and continue enjoying his dates with you in peace?

You sound like you are already aware on a level which is really good and credit to you lovely, you wouldn’t have posted on here otherwise. Keep your eyes/ears open for anymore red flags, trust yourself and your gut and keep posting ❤❤

[SleeplessNights123]

Hey lovely,

I really think sometimes it is easy for us that have experienced DV to start to doubt ourselves and our gut feelings. It is easy to just think we have trust issues, or we are overthinking – because we’ve been programmed to doubt ourselves through so much gaslighting and abuse!

But what he has done there is a red flag, and your instincts and gut are telling you something isn’t right – trust yourself. He is using a very sneaky manipulation technique that is designed to make you feel thankful for his attention, all the while pushing yourself to compete with these unknown women. All it does it breed jealousy, paranoia and an attachment to a man that isn’t healthy.

My ex abuser used to do that same thing. There was always some ex or some woman that was trying to pursue him, or he would always remind me that he could have run away with his ex, but he chose me. As if I was supposed to be grateful! But – I was, I wanted to prove to him that I was worthwhile, so I let him walk all over me. That is how it works.

You are worth more than this, I honestly would just trust yourself here. One thing I have learnt is that I am not in control of how people react to me setting boundaries and being honest, so long as I am truthful and respectful. Perhaps tell him that you see this as a red flag, be honest and calm and kind, but be upfront. If he reacts with decency and made a clear mistake, maybe this would be okay. If he reacts badly to you setting boundaries and expressing you you feel, well that tells you all you need to know. Honestly, after I learnt that I can actually use my voice, say what I am thinking, say the word ‘no’, I felt some of my power come back.

Good luck to you hun, keep us updated! <3

[Shocknawe]

I have to agree with all of those calling this a red flag… Red flag means do not go there. This doesn’t sound to me as a “trust” issue but like an abuse issue. I’d would tell him thanks but no thanks.

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