Trusting friends

[Sleepypigeon]

Does anyone else feel that although their friends are on their side that they truly don’t believe the extent or just don’t get it? I suppose they can’t but what if they continue to downplay things even if they have seen it for themselves?
I have a friend who has witnessed some behaviour previous and since I have been free has been there and listens but she keeps astounding me with statements that make me feel is she really listening to what I am saying or is it me? She was asked (detail removed by Moderator) by another mutual acquaintance if I was ok, she said I was and should have left it there as I asked but instead she added that I miss him, which I don’t, but her spin when she told me was that we’ll u miss what you had in the beginning, I was furious with her for saying this to someone I barely know and don’t want this statement passed about, as I truly do not miss him. Starting to doubt everyone around me just now and feel alone like no one is listening to me.

[Hawthorn]

Hi @SleepyPigeon,

Yes I’ve recently had experience of this too. Yes its painful, your friend didn’t respect your privacy and then told you how you were feeling. Not helpful and shows a real lack of empathy. Sadly some of your friends will simply not understand, but there are many people who do. Having suffered abuse we can tell too much, we have been conditioned to constantly explain ourselves. But when our experiences are so painful, its important that we share only with those who can provide us with the support we need and deserve. Counselling, a support group and this forum have all been really safe places for me to share and process my emotions. Journaling is really helpful too. Reach out for support from womens aid if you haven’t already, and keep reaching out here. You are not alone and we understand x*x

[Sleepypigeon]

I have spoken to wa but early stages and I feel so up and down and I hate it. I was never this anxious scared person even in the relationship. Now some days, not all and I’m getting better, but some days it’s like back to square one. I really thought my friend understood and it hurt so much to be fobbed of. There was something else this mutual friend had said which baffled me, think my worst fear is it gets back to my ex and he thinks it’s me saying these things and it’s not. His smear campaign has continued and I suppose like everyone I just want it to stop, him to dissappear. It’s like being trapped even though I’m out. I understand the conditioned to explain things, that’s definitely me. I just want to stop feeling like this, I no it doesn’t happen by magic but some light at the end of the tunnel would be good. Just feeling alone right now.

[fizzylem]

I had a few turning points…

I decided to stop talking to my friends about him, I would let them know how I was feeling that day when with them and that is all, I made a concious effort not to discuss him with them, I could see it was toxic and damaging my relationships. I decided these relationships needed protecting from him. Friends can only offer so much emotional support, they actually, more than anything, want their friend back, to have a normal friendship where you’re there for one another ‘sometimes’ but you have time together away from home and work life, and do fun things together or have a good natter about all sorts. Problem with abuse is that it takes too long to heal from – for them. As I couldn’t be this friend for a while I dropped out, then re joined when I felt able to compartmentalise the abuse when with them, and do you know what, this was not only what they needed, it was also what I needed too. Talking about him only left me feeling awful, justifying myself, explaining also, so I stopped it. I sought the support from others re the abuse, the women on here, my WA support worker and the helplines, and this was all I really needed – only those who get it, no explanations ever needed with these people.

I went to meditation, to give my mind a break, by doing this I learnt I can and do have control over the thoughts I think, and thus how I feel, negative thoughts lead to negative feelings right? Thoughts of self care and other things lead to feeling ok, I can manage. Lifted even. Another positive that came from this meant I felt connected to others, without any of these people knowing what I was going through – this helped enormously at a time when I couldn’t engage with friends and family that much at all. It meant no awkward or personal questions to deal with whatsoever. Left me feeling human again.

Another eye opener was when I realised I’d been living in fear, and that this fear bred more fear; and that this fear was mostly in my mind. I started to see the things he’d told me were simply not true and how I had reacted faslely believing him at the time. All of this fear led me into long days and nights of angst, stress, distress and desperation for a long time (also was worse after it ended for me too btw, but then that is because their behaviour can often get worse, we have no influence at all after we’ve left hey), but, I can see now that these states were largely a product of my fear. I studied what are my rights, his and my child’s, got to know these inside and out, so I knew what he could and couldn’t do. I came to see that I can’t do anything about how he behaves, and that he will ALWAYS disregard me, be disrespectful, abusive, unreasonable and none cooperative, BUT, I can choose how to respond to this. I started to stand firm with him in the comms for our child, I always communicated with respect and integrity, regardless of how he communicated, if he was vile I didn’t reply at all, more I thought ‘more evidence’ if I need it. He did not like this no, not one bit, but I had no other contact with him in the outside world, and if he did breach this boundary, I called the police and they to dealt with him. There’s now an injunction; so it’s out there, the truth, he knows that if he keeps coming for me it will only land him in a heap more trouble; and thankfully for us, he values his public image more than anything.

It took time, but he gave up eventually and moved on. We have nothing to do with him now at all – yes he is still peddaling his lies, his victim narrative, smear campaign – he will never accept any form of personal responsibilty – they don’t do they; so I don’t give this any time or thought now, not what he says, does and definately not what he thinks – gav that up a very long time ago now; again, I can’t do anything about this can I? Other than ignore it and stay with our truth, so this is what I do. I accept he is the way he is and will do and say what he likes. He’s not our problem anymore, sadly, he’s infecting and feeding off others, but then we all have choices don’t we – so it’s now up to them how they deal with him – because we are well and truly done.

[Bettertimesahead]

I’ve regretted saying too much too people, trouble is once I start talking it all comes out.But a few recent incidents have made me distrust people and going forward I plan to keep things to myself bar 1 very close friend

[Sleepypigeon]

Thanks fizzylem, that sounds all very positive and I do get it, just not feeling it just now. Just feel like I’m drowning and no one cares

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry your freinds are not being supportive, I know how you feel and I think unfortunately unless you have experienced abuse first hand it can be hard to relate. We all have an unconscious bias and it’s something we all need to work towards. I find it very hard to talk about what I’ve been living like and don’t actually have any close freinds any more – I’m trying to make new friends to have a good laugh with and forget the horrible times.
Sending love xx

[Rosemary]

Hello sleepypigon

My advice would be that I dont think anyone could understand what you been thought or even put them selfs in to your body .the people who would only understand would be the ones who have been thought
The same or similar things we are all going thought. Some people think they understand but they dont . Your friend should not be saying the things she saying to someone you really dont now.
I am sorry you went thought this . With me I am limited who I really trust to tell what I am going thought with my parnter some people just cant keep things to there self or even support us in the situation we are in . Leaveing an abusive relationship is not easy but woman who have done that are very strong and very proud of them for doing that . I am finding it hard leaveing my relationship I am really scared to because I now I will face more problems when i leave as my partner will not like it he will cause more problems if he ever found out where I lived .my counsellor is supporting me doing things step by step as it’s really makes me so weak and exhausted what I am going thought its horrible.

Sending you hugs xx

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