Trying so hard not to die inside

[Escapee]

I’m nearly there but it is ripping me apart. I have to go back each day to pack up my stuff, that in itself is such a challenge as I don’t care about it all but he wants everything gone. I just want to walk, and carry on walking until I don’t feel the need to anymore, I don’t care about having a home – it all feels so pointless.

Then there’s the trauma bond, the abuse cycle and everything other b****y psychological process that’s taking place. I almost crumbled yesterday; gave up and suggested a way we could work it out but then I found this website about n**********c partners/relationships (website removed by moderator) and it described him,our situation and codependency so well I realised I can’t stay, I simple can’t – I’ll die either by my own hand or through my body giving up (it’s already severely affected).

I don’t know why I’m posting, I guess I just needed to write down how I feel as I can’t say it. I know you say it gets better, the website says this big is absolute hell – I just need to keep going, to dig down for the last squeeze of strength for a big longer but I’m metaphorical dragging myself along on my knees 🙁
Sorry to be doom and gloom xx

[Lisa]

Hi Escapee

You are doing so well, it sounds like you are in the thick of it at the moment, the point just after leaving is incredibly hard, but just taking things one step at a time and looking after yourself as much as you can is key.

You can always post here, no matter how you are feeling and if you haven’t already you can contact your local domestic abuse service for some face to face support.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Escapee darling

You sound utterly exhausted, please do stop for a minute and rest.
Have you considered not picking up your belongings?
You have the right to decide for yourself now. If you don’t need your stuff then let him bin it for you. He has NO say over what you should be doing or not be doing. He can f off!
Otherwise could you send a friend or family member to help you out? It’s unfair you’re having to do it all and whats more every day. No wonder you are feeling drained.

I’m glad you’ve found the website, reminding you that staying isn’t an option because yes you’ll die a slow death staying with him.

I know that feeling of wanting to walk on and on, it’s your insides screaming for freedom, for lightness, for fresh air, an unstoppable urge to keep going, an earnest desire in moving on, not being forced back to a place you don’t wish to be.

You’re almost there, getting your new house, your new life of freedom.

Keep posting and rant away as much as needed because honey, here you can and won’t be punished to express your feelings. 💪

Sending you many hugs💕

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Escapee, well done on escaping, my heart is soaring for you. I agree with HLJ, do you need to take everything or could you get someone to go with you? I was extremely lucky that is been packing up my things and moving them out before I left them when I got my refuge flat I managed to move my things in over a 2 week period. I still go into my old house as I walk one of the dogs, and I’ve also been taking things that are mine that is forgotten about. But if I moved away tomorrow what’s left wouldn’t bother me, it’s only stuff. Our health and sanity are much more important. I too tried to kill myself, until it dawned on me that it was the situation I wanted dead not me. Since that eureka moment, it helps. Though if I’m brutally honest I’ve had a few times when I’ve thought I can’t do this I want to be gone. Then I get a grip, see the future so clearly now, how happy I can be, how free I am. I won’t give that up, not one moment of it.
Stay strong mo charaid, keep taking the baby steps, keep posting and reading others. We are each others support when times get too much.
Love and light IWMB 💞💞

[Escapee]

Thank you so much for your kind, honest and heartfelt words – they really mean a lot to me and it’s so good to know I’m not going crazy.
I’m gradually winning on the packing; I’ve promised myself that I’m going to make my new home representative of me – anything that doesn’t do that for me, that doesn’t make me smile or is useful, is going to charity.
Xxxx

[Author]

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