Trying to Bait Me

[Rising Tide]

I’ve started mediation and discussing filing for divorce with the abuser. But he keeps texting me outside of mediation. Trying to get a reaction out of me. Now he’s saying I didn’t tell him why I was leaving. Which is utter BS as we went to couples counselling where I said, in front of my husband, that I felt he was emotionally abusive and gave examples! The therapist then referred him to an abusers programme, which he declined to take part in!

It breaks my heart that I spelled out the abuse, he was referred to a programme for abusers, and yet he still doesn’t see that his behaviour was not acceptable. My guess is that in his heart he still feels it was okay to treat me as he did (because it’s how his dad treats his mom). He still thinks I’m over reacting and will calm down and take him back. But I won’t. I won’t be in a relationship with someone who treats me like that. I can’t remember which book I was reading, but it said something like, “abuse in your life is like sh*t in your soup, how much are you willing to accept?” And I knew I wouldn’t be able to take him back. Now that I see the abuse I will not tolerate it. Not even a little bit. Nor will I spend the rest of my life on guard looking out for abuse in his behaviour. If he had very quickly acknowledged the abuse and offered to dedicate himself to change, I would have considered staying in the relationship. But it’s clear he still doesn’t see it as a problem and he isn’t serious about getting help.

I don’t really need any advice. Just want to be heard and understood. Friends and family have been so supportive, but they haven’t left abusers and don’t know what it feels like that every interaction is a mind game.

[KIP.]

Women’s aid never ever recommend mediation for these very reasons. I’d cut all contact with him and concentrate on you.

[Rising Tide]

I had no idea that mediation wasn’t recommended! Thank you for letting me know. How do people navigate the divorce? All through lawyers?

[KIP.]

Use a third party for all contact. Cut him out the loop and yes using a solicitor for the legal side but keep that to a minimum because your ex will drag it out and waste your money so get a solicitor with experience of abusers.

[KIP.]

Ending a relationship with an abuser is the most dangerous time. So please be very careful. As he begins to realise he cannot manipulate you and you cut contact, he will escalate the abuse. He will bad mouth you a d do everything he can to discredit you. So that when his abuse is exposed he can get in there first. He will never ever accept that he is an abuser. There is absolutely no point in wasting any more time and energy and emotions on him. Save them for yourself because you will need all your strength. Talk to your local women’s aid for support and advice x

[Rising Tide]

Thank you, I will contact my local women’s aid. I’ve been doing shuttle mediation so I never have to see him, but you’re so right that his contact outside of mediation is finding loopholes to keep abusing me. Thank you!!

Just to vent, I was listening to a podcast about emotional abuse, and the presenter said to imagine that your abuser just magically disappeared, never able to make contact with you again. Imagining it felt like freedom. Just picturing a world without the threat of his abuse I could feel my muscles relax and my fears subside. It’s amazing how they can sneak the abuse in without you even noticing how it’s impacting you. This is why I could never go back to him. He clearly hasn’t changed and has no interest in changing.

[KIP.]

Have you read Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? It’s really insightful. These men do not want to change. They feel entitled. If you want to see his real side then say no. No to contact. No to mediation. I remember someone saying similar about a magic button. If I pressed it everything would stay the same except my abuser would simply disappear. I’d jump on it. I suppose I jumped on it several years ago when I got rid and went zero contact x

[Rising Tide]

Hi Kip,

Wanted to thank you for your feedback! I spoke to the local Women’s Aid and with a couple changes to the routine, I have now greatly reduced my contact with him. For reasons specific to my situation, it’s not a good idea to completely cut off contact. But he is contacting me less and less. I wonder if he’s realising I’m not playing a game. I’m not doing this for fun or as a scare tactic to get my way. He played so many mind games in the marriage, including threatening to leave me if I didn’t do what he wanted. Of course he didn’t follow through on leaving me – it was just a threat to try and scare me. I don’t want to be married to someone who plays games with their marriage. That’s not love.

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