20th May 2021 at 2:31 pm #126097
Hi, I am new to this forum but it is already helping me by making me not feel so alone in having to face this horrible situation. To be physically hurt by someone that has promised to take care of you and be your partner for life is the ultimate betrayal and in my mind, not something that can be fixed.
Although this is absolutely how I feel, I’m still terrified at the prospect of going through with ending our marriage. Still trying to decide if suggesting separation first is the best and easiest option to take. May be seen as a less confrontational way to approach this. Would have to be on the basis that he seeks help for his drinking and anger management. Don’t honestly think he would even consider agreeing to this so suggesting it may be pointless.
I know what I need to do, just am terrified of doing it!
20th May 2021 at 4:30 pm #126100EggshellsParticipant
Hi Foreverhopeful, Welcome to the forum.
I think it’s totally normal to feel so frightened. It’s a step into the unknown and if you have been together for a while, it can be hard to imagine a different life
Sometimes, it takes a little while for the idea to settle and grow. Take it at your own pace.
I found it helpful to make plans, go through finances, secretly move sentimental items out if the house, build a stash of household items to store with a friend or relatives.
It’s a big decision so go easy on yourself and do what’s best for you, not what’s best for him. xx
20th May 2021 at 9:53 pm #126121LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum. I’m glad to hear you have already felt supported here and understand you are not alone in your experience.
Separating from a partner, especially an abusive one, can be extremely challenging. It’s hard to know where to start or find the strength to leave. We know statistically it can take a women 6, 7 times to leave an abusive relationship permanently as often the abuser will find ways to coerce you to stay.
Your partner needs to genuinely seek out and initiate help for his alcohol and anger on his own. If your having to convince him to engage in any type of help, this is a ‘red flag’ that he isn’t committed to real change. Also we know that alcohol does not make one abusive; he is making conscious choices to use his anger to control and dominate.
Perhaps try and focus on your needs at the moment and what you feel you can really benefit from at this point. Engaging with your local domestic abuse service who can offer on-going emotional and practical help is a good first step. They will not tell you what to do, but will understand what you are going through and talk you through your options.
As Eggshells said; take things at your own pace, one step at a time. Just know there is help and specialist support out there when you are ready. And do keep posting.
20th May 2021 at 10:29 pm #126123BettertimesaheadParticipant
Been separated quite a while now, would be divorced if he’d answer any solicitor letters but he won’t as not accepted we are over. I spent many years like you thinking about leaving and ending our marriage but too scared. He wasn’t physical but coercive control,sexual abuse and alcoholism. Verbal outbursts occasionally. In the end one incident occurred which led to him being arrested. Although at the time it was horrendous I am glad now as it took my decision for me. Even then though I kept saying I’ll just stay separated , give him a year, see if he can change. Then another incident occurred due to his drinking and that day I filed for divorce. He has since continued to behave in a manner that has helped reassure me that was definitely the right decision. You will get to a point where you will go but as the others have said start getting the knowledge and facts that will help make that time easier xx
21st May 2021 at 9:47 am #126135SecretlifeParticipant
I am in the same position as you although the abuse I suffer is emotional. Thank you for posting, the responses you have received are extremely helpful to me also. Take care and try and think about yourself and your needs which is what I am trying to focus on, not easy, but I’m really trying. Sending a big hug 🤗 xx
21st May 2021 at 12:43 pm #126143
Thank you for all your kind, supportive messages. It is both comforting and empowering to have somewhere to be able to open and honest about what’s happened and how I feel. As others have said, I have come close to leaving in the past but could never bring myself to be one to end the marriage. Feel very differently about it now, his physical abuse has been the catalyst that has finally given me the strength and determination to end this. There is only one shot at life and everyone deserves to feel safe and have the opportunity to find happiness.
22nd May 2021 at 5:54 pm #126196CamelParticipant
Welcome to the forum. It’s OK to be scared and completely understandable. You know from experience what kind of man he is.
Suggesting a separation might seem less confrontational but it will cause a whole heap of new problems. A separation implies you need time apart while he sorts himself out. It implies you’re willing to keep working at your marriage. It implies that you haven’t left, not really.
I think a legal separation while you divorce is different. Best to seek legal advice.
As Lisa says, get support from WA first. When you’re ready to leave you need to do it safely. In the meantime don’t let your husband know anything about your plans. You don’t need his permission to leave and nothing he can say or do will make staying an option, will it?
23rd May 2021 at 7:12 pm #126242
Staying isn’t an option. Won’t live my life waiting to be hurt again.
Got to stop trying to do this in a way that will minimise the hurt to him and his ego. He gave no thought to us when he attacked me and our daughter.
I’m done with this relationship, I know that things are going to get really tough but then I will be free and able to live the life I want to live. Have to just keep reminding myself of that.
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