Trying to be supportive

[Iwantmeback]

Hi ladies and thank you for all your lovely replies on the forum and through pm. I never thought I’d be writing on this part of the forum, at least not this soon. Because it does feel soon, sooner than I’d like, sooner, than I wanted.
I never wanted to not have my husband, I just never wanted the abusive side of him, but one didn’t come without the other. And nowadays we dont have to ‘just get on with it’, ‘you’ve made your bed, deal with it’. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my marriage niggling away at each other, then erupting into something so much worse. I didn’t want to witness his childish behaviour to others, their property, I no longer could bear his way of treating ‘his’ dogs but not be able to stop him for fear him turning on me. I wanted to be part of my families life, with him, but he didn’t want that. And I thought that to be normal , well I know now that is not normal behaviour, it is controlling,manipulative behaviour, even if he refuses to see it that way. Even though he was very generous with his money, I was also financially abused. Always in my overdraft and over it, so had to pay bank charges. We’d ‘both’ agree to bigger purchases, but somehow I ended up paying fir them. It took years to get his name on the voters roll, but had to in order to buy our house. One of the harder things to really accept is sexual abuse, fir the majority of our sex life I was a willing partner, did things I never thought I would, to me they were ‘straight out a porn movie’. used to say that to him. and he’d say, that’s what he loved about me, how he’d ‘wakened my sex life up’. I refuse to feel guilty or dirty, I realise it was chemical and hormonal and my desire to please him, make him happy.. but a habit would begin, where he’d start telling me afterwards or the next day, he was sick of doing all the work, I just lay there like a store dug(dog),and the names he called me during sex, they were so degrading. I remember crying one-time because of that, and he’d say but you’re my wh..e , s..t , he also had a habit of referring to himself as ‘he’. Instead of I like this, it would be he likes this. Then he’d go on to tell me how much I was loving it until I just agreed with him, that seemed to excite him more?
Anyway, I’m away, Day 1 was really hard, harder than I expected but I did it. It is best to go no contact, having any, it just wakens up the need for him to hold you and tell you it’s okay, everything’s fixable, but we know differently. And going back, well even if he did really truly change, you’d always be waiting for the monster, the minute you let your guard down, would that be the day. And ladies moving out, moving your things out, if you can. It takes time, it takes being the best actress ever. It does take having a plan in place. The deceit and the lies can eat away at you, because you’ve behaved so out of character, but he’s made you act like that. They have no idea what we can do, how strong we really are. 💪💞
I’m unsure how often I’ll be able to support you all for now, I’m reading but don’t feel strong enough to reply and fir that I’m sorry, it makes me sad not to be able to help you all for now. But I will, “I’ll be back”. I’ve been really sick during this time too, so now I can afford the ‘luxury’ of being crook (New Zealand word for sick).

I’m making plans to see my sister, later on in the year😉
I bought the biggest bunch of yellow roses yesterday, I’ve a Peace Lily in the flat and lovely big sunflowers in the kitchen, so I see beauty everywhere.
I’ve also saw a lovely big black raven out the back too, he’s my guardian.
Take care everyone, one part of my life is over, the next is just being written🙂
Best wishes IWMB 💞🤫

[Tiffany]

Well done a’ ghraidh! You’ve got this. It’s really hard. Reading your description is like reading about my early days. I also bought flowers and focused on seeing the beauty around me. You’re right that going back wouldn’t fix things in the way your brain is trying to convince you it would. Now you are out it would be dangerous to go back, as there is a real risk that he would try to punish you for leaving after you came back.

Don’t feel you have to support anyone but yourself right now. We’re all here cheering you on. So glad you are out safe. Focus on your plans to see friend’s and family. Write on here as much as you need to. Do things because you want to. The emotions are hard at this stage, but once you have started to process them things get so so much better!

[Iwantmeback]

Tapadh leibh 💜
My first use of the toaster, burnt toast, good job I like it burnt. Trying to eat,make good choices.I refuse to let this, him, make me comfort eat. I’ve stocked the fridge with melon and strawberries. There’s blueberries and raspberries in the freezer compartment. No freezer but it’ll force me out when I run out of food😄
Just didn’t expect to feel so lost at times, to want him to fix this.
💞💞

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi IWMB,

I just wanted to echo what Tiffany said, you just take all the time for yourself and your selfcare right now that you need. In the time I’ve been on this forum, you have been so supportive and always finding some positivity to include in all your posts – even now – I don’t think you will find anyone on here who won’t understand why it’s so iimportant right now that you focus on you.
He sounds and have always sounded horrific, but it is a very good sign that you see this today so early after having left. I couldn’t see any fault in my ex for a long time, so this can only be a good sign that you know how he treated you was wrong in so many many ways.
Keep filling YOUR place with beauty, you’ve earned this piece of peace to do so 🙂

[KIP.]

Just by posting on here you’re helping many many women by showing them that you can escape. By being honest that it’s difficult in the beginning. By showing them that these feelings are normal. By being your genuine and honest self you’re helping many. I promise it will get better. Zero contact and time. Welcome to the rest of your life x big 🤗 hug. Your flowers sound amazing x

[fizzylem]

One step at a time IWMB, it may feel like a backwards step on some days when you get caught up in thinking about him and dam this! But it isn’t going backwards at all, it’s part of it and needed. Promise to give yourself what you need, whatever that may be – always – and you will be fine, better than fine one day. You did it, you don’t need to live with any more lies or abuse ever again xx

[Woollymammal]

IWMB,
You are the most important person to look after now, to get your self esteem and confidence back..
To look at things that make you happy and bring some peace to your mind and body.
This is your time now, he will eventually not have any place in your head and emotions.. Push him out and fill it with all the things you want and missed when you were there..
Soar like the bird and feel your freedom..
Hugs 💕 x*x

[EbonyRaven]

I’m so pleased, and so proud of you. You did it. Please don’t feel in the least bit bad about taking time for yourself. This is time that you need, and not one person here on the forum would deny you that, I guarantee it.

Give your mind and body space and time to heal. Go to bed when you feel like it, even if it’s 7 pm, eat when you’re ready to do so. Eat yoghurt and fruit for dinner if that’s what you want, and fish and chips for breakfast.

Stay no contact, although it isn’t easy. It will get easier in time. Make sure you have lots around to distract yourself with. Puzzle books, colouring, short story books and magazines, jigsaws etc. etc. whatever YOU like to do.

You’ve always been an inspiration, and are growing more so by the moment. We will be here for you, and we absolutely don’t expect you to do or say anything until you want or need to.

ER xx

[Iwantmeback]

Your post made me smile ER, I can barely eat fruit and yogurt the now and the thought of fish and chips…, but it made me smile at just exactly what I CAN do now if I want to
💞💞

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