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Hi
New here and gaining so much comfort from this forum. Reading the stories and realising that maybe I wasn’t wrong and that I had been in an abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator).
I still struggle to accept at times that it was abuse. I question myself that maybe I was over reacting. Maybe I was at fault and caused it. Maybe I was over sensitive etc etc. But there is also part of me that knows I was not.
He has always been depressed and had alcohol issues, but it got worse and worse. The controlling behaviour got worse over the years. It was never direct, but more subtle so that if I disagreed I would look like the one who was unreasonable. For example, I used to like going walking on my own, but he would say things like ‘(detail removed by moderator)’. Sometimes it was more overt. When I tried to leave before and has to return because I had no where to go, he wrote me a list of things I had to change, including no forms of social media and no (detail removed by moderator).
It wasn’t all bad, sometimes we got on great. But there was always that underlying fear of never quite knowing what mood he would be in when he came to bed. After two or three bottles of wine I would hear him stumbling up the stairs and pretend to be asleep, hoping he would just go to sleep. More often than not he would pick a fight and would not let up. It would sometimes be 3am and he would be going on and on and on about how I didn’t love him, why didn’t I want sex, Calling me a w***e, calling me frigid. The he would start punching the wall or himself in the head. I am not sure how I would function as I had to (detail removed by moderator) (whilst he slept off his hangover). Sometimes there was remorse. But often he just acted as if nothing had happened, and I was left wondering if I was going crazy. He even said that he only slept with pr*******es because he didn’t feel loved by me.
There were plenty of other things, but they all blur into one. He only hit me once, but there was an underlying feeling of not wanting to enrage him.
After (detail removed by moderator) of trying, I finally walked away from everything just before lockdown. I left my home, my belongings and for 6 months he would only let me visit the children.
It is now nearly (detail removed by moderator) on and I am getting there. I am in a healthy relationship and I am so much stronger than I was. But I still question why did this happen to me? Did I allow it? Is there something wrong with me that he could treat me like this (he is the perfect partner to his current girlfriend). I have nearly divorced him, but he still asks me back on a weekly, sometimes daily basis, even though he is in a serious relationship. He said that if I accept I made a mistake he will dump his girlfriend and we can be a happy family again. I will never go back!!! Never!
I struggle with accepting the kind, funny man he could sometimes be, with the other version that he reserved just for me.
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Hello @wildandfree
Welcome. There are many wonderful wise and amazing members of this forum.
So glad you are free.
No this is not your fault, no you did not cause it, (mine is so adept at flipping it back to me) but I wonder that too-how on earth did I get in this mess?
Your post struck a chord I too find it hard to comprehend that the two sides to the man I thought I loved. I spoke to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline today and she said it feels so confusing because you know things aren’t right but can’t always put your finger in it. And others have said here the goalposts keep moving some days are hideous, some bearable some good. I’ve been with mine for decades. And even though I’ve read it on here something truly clicked when I saw that even his “nice/kind/supportive” phase is all part of the control. Well done for escaping when you did.
Sending love
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Hey there. Well done for sharing and wow go you for leaving and for being so strong.
I can see alot of me and my life in your post and i am sure so can so many women on here.
Doubt and guilt is something we all live with with and maybe it will always creep in I dont knkw im not out Im still here with my nasty husband but I wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Have you had any counselling? I understand you are now out and in another relationship but it doesnt mean the hurt the pain has gone maybe you need to talk about what happened to you and understand how its not your fault. By the way “he only hit me once”
Thats once too often sweetie you so did the right thing by getting yourself out. Xxxxx -
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Hi wildandfree,
Welcome, you’re among friends here 🙂
Firstly, let me comment on your belief that he is now the ‘perfect partner’?! Apart from there being no such thing as the ‘perfect partner’ I’m sure his current girlfriend has no idea that he’s asking you to go back to him and that she’ll be dumped immediately. That poor woman is living a life having no idea she is so easily ‘disposable’. Is that behaviour he is showing you with regards to her that of a kind, funny man? Of course not, it’s the behaviour of the manipulative, evil person that he is.
I agree with nbumblebee, hitting you once is once too often. The coercive controller has to use very little violence in order to have control over his partner. The fact that he has used violence once to gain control is often enough; the victim knows what he is capable of so will then be too frightened to stand up to him again. The fear of violence in a relationship is just as bad as the actual violence for some women. So many ladies have said “I’d rather he just actually hit me, at least the bruise will heal up.” Emotional abuse and psychological abuse lasts for so much longer and is often harder to process.
I am pleased you have found a new partner. It’s quite likely that now you are happy in a new relationship is the reason that your ex partner wants you back – but on conditions!! Huge alarm bell there and a very large red flag flapping around. I remember having a heart to heart with my ex about us getting back together. He was being really lovely and told me very pleasantly that he would take me back but on the conditions that I did a,b,c,d,e… by the time he got to ‘e’ I realised I couldn’t go back to him. No matter how hard it was to go forward without him and the post-abuse stuff I just had to do it.
A forum member called @darcy posted a great thread the other day about focusing on ourselves and not them. No matter how much we try to understand the reasons they did what they did, said what they said, behaved in certain ways etc we’d never get a clear answer and it was all wasted energy. See if you can find that post (I’ll try and bump it up if I get time as I need to go out very soon) and read it.
Your ex is clearly not happy with his current girlfriend, she’s just someone he’s making do with because he can’t be on his own. Don’t envy her that she’s got some wonderful man that you wished he’d been with you, she’s got the same abuser you had, she may just not know it yet.
xx
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I really do appreciate everyones comments. It can be so lonely thinking is this just me, am I the crazy/abusive one? No one else sees who he is.
I feel I am lucky. It took me 8 attempts to leave (possibly more, it all blurs into one). The final time my gut told me never to go back, even though there were days I desperately wanted to. I desperately wanted the good days back. Even friends and family were saying are you sure you’ve done the right thing. No one really knew the extent of the abuse because I couldn’t even admit it to myself.
Im free now.
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You’ve hit the nail on the head, you are now free (not sure if you’re wild too, but, hey, there’s nothing wrong with that either! 🙂 )
Do you know how many ladies on this forum are envying your situation right now? Soooooo many.
And you will have inspired others too. It took you 8 attempts. Not easy is it? It takes a lot of effort to free ourselves, but the thing is, we don’t give up. What seems unachievable is actually achievable with determination and effort.
Your gut instinct was right. Now that it’s settled down a bit don’t ignore it. It kicks in a time that it’s required.
Well done wildandfree, I hope that by posting on here it has helped you, and by posting and reading regularly it helps to alleviate the loneliness.
xx
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