Trying to move on but it’s so hard sometimes

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been struggling a bit this past week. My ex kept contacting me once a week (always the same day of the week) and it was started to get a bit stressful and feel a bit creepy. He was doing things like emailing me on different accounts after I blocked the first one etc. I never knew where the next hoover would come from, just that it would probably come the next week, and I started to feel like I was being controlled again, as I anticipated his messages. It was like I was moving on but he was coming with me, uninvited, and there was nothing I could do, and in his messages he was pulling at my heart strings asking me to contact him, to try again, that he loved me etc.

I spoke to my DV outreach worker and another specialist who both advised to log it with the police. I wrote a big document and went to the police. It was not a very positive experience, one police officer seemed very skeptical of me and started questioning my mental health which is exactly what my ex abuser used to do, and they clearly didn’t think what my ex had done or was doing was that bad, which was very disappointing. However, they issued my ex with an official warning not to contact me anymore, and he could get arrested if he breaches it, so overall I’m glad I went as I feel like I can relax a bit more knowing that he’s less likely to keep contacting me unless he wants to get in trouble.

I feel pleased that I set that boundary. I’m just struggling to get him out of my head since his last message. I’ve been crying again feeling down, feeling like my life is rubbish and struggling with feeling bored and unmotivated. I’m doing my best to self care and move forward but it’s like he got back in my head and it’s difficult again. I guess that’s what he wanted, to try to stop me from moving on, to keep me weak and tethered to him so he’d still have that control.

I feel so horrified that I ended up with someone so awful like him. It’s still so strange remembering those early dates when he seemed like THE SWEETEST GUY YOU COULD EVER MEET, really geeky and boyish and cute and all round lovely. It’s just so confusing to think it’s the same person. It’s so terrible thinking of all the awful things he did – cheating, lying, abuse etc then denying it, accusing me of lying, saying I’d imagined it, threatening me etc.

I feel so sad that I thought I had this lovely boyfriend, and now it’s all over, he’s gone and he was never real in the first place and now I’m all alone as usual. I feel embarassed thinking I had a man who cared for me. People have always said that I’m pretty but I can’t seem to attract or be attracted to healthy good men, just the abusive loser types who just want sex and to control me.

Sigh. Sorry this is a bit of a downer, thanks for listening, it helps to talk to people who get it. Some of my friends are getting impatient saying I just need to ‘get over it’ now which is not helpful, I think it’s going to be a while before I feel fully healed from all of this, it’s been the worst most shocking and horrifying experience of my life.

I really want to make my life better, find work, go on holiday and do fun things, sometimes it just feels like I’m incapabale of making my life good, I ‘m going to do some goal setting this week to help me focus better and try not to give myself a hard time.

Thanks for listening 🙂

[Lisa]

Hello SunshineRainflower,

some goal setting sounds like a good idea, what you have been through is really traumatic and it is healthy to think about positive changes.

You are going to experience ups and downs, its all part of recovery and this can take as much time as you need.

Best Wishes,
Lisa

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Lisa, it helps to just type on here how I feel. Also, thanks for saying what I went through was traumatic, because the police really downplayed it which made me feel silly and pretty down and has made me question the whole thing again (it even made me think ‘have I made a mistake, maybe he is a nice guy, oh god I shouldn’t have split up with him, maybe I should get back together with him, oh no I can’t contact him now because I got the police involved’ downward spiral.)

[KIP.]

Hey there. Don’t dwell on your experience with the police. They issued him with a warning which they wouldn’t do if they didn’t take you seriously. The thing I think about the police is that they deal with horrific stuff and become desensitised. A bit like we did with our abusers. When you see and hear horrible things regularly then they become mundane. So their attitudes reflect this. I had one accuse me of wasting police time because my ex was at the bottom of my street. This was after his assault conviction. What did they think he was doing there? They more or less said I was to sit tight until he assaulted me again. There are good police and bad police. Always ask for domestic abuse unit. Any contact with these abusers is toxic to us ❤️

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Kip. I’m just feeling low at the moment, he is on my mind constantly after the last message he sent me. It’s like I’m having to mourn the end of the relationship again because he kept interrupting my mourning if that makes sense. I booked an appointment with the police and expected to see the domestic abuse unit but was told they weren’t available for whatever reason. If I have to go again though I will insist on speaking to them because the other police officers don’t seem to know much about domestic abuse unless it is physical. Hopefully I won’t have to. Sorry to hear they accused you of wasting their time, that must have been terrible and even more so after an assault. I really feel they need more training in understanding domestic abuse and focus more on prevention rather than reaction.

[EeyoreNoMore]

I wholly agree with that sentiment! I had a regular PC come to interview me about DV too when it really should have been a specialist officer.

Maybe they need more funding too? Which political party gets my vote in the election is down to what they will do for us women in need!

Have you been in touch with Paladin – the National Stalking Advocacy Service?

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Eeyore, no I have never heard of Paladin but I will google them. I agree, the police need more funding for the right sorts of things like training and women’s rights 🙂

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