Trying to stay out

[Reindeer]

Hi all
I have got out and staying with my own friends now and of course, he’s done an about-face, friendly, helpful. I still have belongings there and nowhere yet to realistically take them to. I see myself becoming less strong withholding myself away yet I know if I go back, the control and demands and undermining jabs will just start again.

It’s like I forget the dark times and only see that friendly love bombing side of him again.

I am talking to friends, writing a journal to remind myself of how controlling he was when I was staying there but it’s hard to remember that this will also change.

Happy for others sharing their experience of what helped, please!

I’ve bought and read the dominator book- such a good suggestion and also done the exercises. I picked up behaviours that I hadn’t noticed before.

Also, have a question about the freedom course- in my local authority, I’m on the waiting list though no idea of how long or when might be able to do it. If anyone has any suggestions re this please message or DM me.

For now, my best reminder is that staying out might be painful but it’s peaceful.

[maddog]

Dr Ramini on youtube is very good on n@rcissism and abuse. I also enjoy listening to HG Tudor, a diagnosed psychopathic n@rc. He’s definitely not the kind of person anyone would want to meet in real life. He’s very articulate and insightful of his condition. HG Tudor will remind you particularly firmly why you mustn’t go back! Lundy Bancroft is also very good and regularly recommended here. Again on youtube, or he has written some books.

None of us went into a relationship thinking, yippee! Here’s a superman who’s going to demean me, rape me, hit me, financially abuse me, isolate me and make me feel as though it’s all my fault.

Abusers have ways of seeking out good, kind people as partners. None of this is our fault and anyone can fall for their ‘charms’. The kind, friendly behaviour you’re experiencing is part of his false self. This false self formed long before you came along and nothing you can say or do will change it.

The Freedom Programme is fantastic and I found it very reassuring to be in a room with other women who had experienced the same kind of relationship.

Domestic Abuse is endemic. You’ve done so well to escape. The pain will ease as you take on board that you, like all of us here, fell in love with an imaginary person. It’s all shocking and frightening.

Keep Out and Stay Out. Please don’t be fooled. If you don’t have a local Women’s Aid, you can call the police on 101 and ask to be put through the the Domestic Abuse team. They’re not police officers; they’re key holders to local resources.

[Twisted Sister]

hi and well done for escaping!

As Maddog says, noone signs up to all the horrendous abuse that they get, and noone should expect that just to have the good stuff you should be expected to tolerate the bad!

Remember its not how he treats you when he’s feeling good, and things are going well, its how he deals with the bad stuff, the difficult things, and the stresses of life, how he interacts with you through that, and if he can’t do it respectfully and without abusing you, you have your answer.

Unfortunately, knowing this, doesn’t mean its easy to just drop all the feelings and attachments that have grown for this person, they need to be worked through and grieved as a loss, once you’ve accepted that this is truly the end of the relationship. Much of the abuse is normalised and the gaslighting makes it extremely hard to see the reality of your horrible experiences in their true light, but this is what you must do and hang onto, as seeing them in their true light gives you the reasons to stay away, and break any remaining emotional ties you may have.

You are already well on your way; it could help to write down all the stuff you hated and see it in black and white, and hold it to the light to show yourself in times of uncertainty that you have done the right thing and that this man is incapable of what ‘relationship’ should mean. Keep strong and keep your eyes on the prize, you, free from abuse, free to work through and recover.

warmest wishes ts

[Twisted Sister]

Ishould have said you can do the freedom programme online, and in zoom meetings, which may mean you can get into one earlier? might be worth checking out?

Also, the Lundy Bancroft book ‘why does he do that?’, and if you have children ‘why does daddy hurt mommy?’

The more you can absorb yourself in your own life/friends/interests and healthy relationships the easier it will be for you to have the light you need to really see it for what it was.

[Eyesopening]

Hey,
I found after I left i needed tons of support, every time o doubted or was having a bad day i needed to reach out to my support. Because before that he was my only support.
When you feel really bad get out of your head and into your body, exercise.
Get counseling as soon as you can. Has your local da services assigned you a support worker and signed you up for free counseling?
(Though i think it depends where you live)
I also started having ptsd after about a month out.
Just remember it gets better, it really does, if you can make it through the first few months your basically through the worst.
You can now focus on you, lots of long walks in the country, hot baths, anything you enjoy, get back into nature, into yourself, it’s like we are reconnecting with ourselves after we leave.
Post here when you are having a bad day, it really comes in waves i found, i would be fine then i would get a wave and would need lots of support. But through every bad wave i came out stronger.
And most importantly, no contact. Any contact will do you harm.
You can do this xxxx

[Reindeer]

Thank you all for your messages of support. I have had no contact for another day, small steps but nonetheless, it’s enough for today. I’ve got distractions for tomorrow set up.

Feel hollowed out. Just little bit at a time. x*x

[maddog]

Well done. It’ll really help you to keep out of his life, especially when, if it’s your path, you choose the therapeutic route. Counselling is less effective when you’re fighting for your life.

I totally get that you feel hollowed out. It’ll take time to understand how you fell in love with someone who wasn’t real. It’s absolutely not your fault. Abusers have tactics for drawing us in. Learning and understanding the red flags is a process. It’s maybe like learning another language, or learning to walk again. Baby steps.

One day, you’ll look out and the view will be clear. It’s really hard not to be sucked back, and really hard to take on board. Please give yourself a pat on the back, and remember that today you’ve been victorious.

Trauma Bonding is another big thing in abusive relationships. On reflection, I think I was truly bonded by trauma to my ex, and leaving him seemed infinitely more scary than staying. Fear, obligation and guilt, as well as denial often crop up as reasons to go back.

Please remember that you will be ok whatever it feels like at the moment. You will survive. There are so many people who will prop you up both here and in real life through the fear, the anger, the blind terror.

If you’re not at the point of understanding No Contact, please remember that it’s a process. With more normal people you can negotiate, have a sensible conversation, make arrangements. With an abuser, this isn’t possible. No Contact seems like an alien concept.

You’ll get there. Baby steps as you say. To recognise the person you love as an abuser is terrifying. It’s a betrayal. To understand that this person has treated you in the same way that you might treat a toaster or a washing up bowl defies our humanity.

This horror will pass, and there are many wonderful people in the world far more worthy of your love.

[Reindeer]

Thanks Maddog.
I’ve done some reading on trauma bonding. I don’t feel so crazy about wanting to go back and I’ve done another day of no contact. Today, I made sure I saw people that care about me and treat me with care and respect. I’ve stopped fighting with him, I’ve stopped fawning, I’ve stopped freezing, I’m just staying away. It hurts, but at least this way, it will stop hurting eventually. I will get over his sense of entitlement and take my autonomy back, stop the let’s make him feel better and guilt that drives me. Remember, I need to look after myself no matter how worthless I feel.

[Reindeer]

Thanks Maddog.
I’ve done some reading on trauma bonding. I don’t feel so crazy about wanting to go back and I’ve done another day of no contact. Today, I made sure I saw people that care about me and treat me with care and respect. I’ve stopped fighting with him, I’ve stopped fawning, I’ve stopped freezing, I’m just staying away. It hurts, but at least this way, it will stop hurting eventually. I will get over his sense of entitlement and take my autonomy back, stop the let’s make him feel better and guilt that drives me. Remember, I need to look after myself no matter how worthless I feel.

[Wants To Help]

You’re doing really well Reindeer, you’re definitely on the right path.

Another thing to remember is this…

Empathetic people even feel sorry for the people who have hurt them.

It’s in our nature, it’s a beautiful thing that we have, but sometimes it can also be a curse!

[Author]

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