Trying to untangle myself

[Chillijam]

I’m not sure where to start and this is long so apologies… I’m so muddled and confused. I can’t seem to untangle myself from it. This has been going on for years and years but it all came to a head with an incident at (specific detail removed by Moderator). My husband had been drinking and after a small comment I made which was insignificant he lost his s**t and started raging one of my teenagers had a panic attack and we ended up having to leave and get support from family (his family who were away with us) they were more than unhelpful and made me feel like this was an argument when it wasn’t and I was told I should of sorted him out years ago  There was this huge fall out from it afterwards with our children upset and scared of my husband. My husband then said he would get help (he also has a substance abuse problem) he blamed me for the whole thing and my son and daughter told him I hadn’t done anything he then went on to take accountability but it felt false I still believe he thinks it was me. Fast forward (timeframe removed by Moderator) and he has continually ignored my boundaries around drugs. I have worked hard in improving my communication style and looking at how I can make changes of what I may be doing wrong. I know I’m not perfect but he is now saying I’m emotionally abusive and controlling that I belittle him and dictate everything.  I do mostly everything at home and I pay for everything and look after the kids needs both neuro divergent and one with some physical disabilities. When I try and address the imbalance I usually get a torrent of abuse about how I’m so perfect and of course I do everything and he does absolutely nothing followed by sulking and he disappears upstairs in a mood which brings a cloud over the whole house. Then I get him saying he is so broken and a mess but on the back end of that he says I’m not supportive and he’s been crying out for years for an actual partner. I try to step back and think if I’m supportive and I think I am but then I feel like he’s an incredibly hard person to support as he doesn’t help himself and I’m so busy trying to sort out everything else. He says I don’t talk to him but I do and he constantly tells me he’s so lonely. All his problems are everyone else’s and he constantly blames everything on xyz. I asked him to leave after he went from 0-100 after I said something which felt like nothing but he takes it so defensively. He doesn’t seem able to have a conversation and he slams and breaks things he has grabbed me before and shaken me. He then says it’s because I don’t leave him alone but it is incredibly frustrating as he will have his say then when I speak it’s I don’t want to speak get out f**k off. I have learnt to just leave him to it but it’s hard because I feel like I can’t bring up anything I’m not happy about. He then tells me he doesn’t have a say in anything, but I constantly consult him on things and ask him what he wants ect. He rages over the smallest things and is constantly complaining and moaning. Everyone walks on eggshells around him when he is in a good mood everything is lovely but if he’s not it’s awful. I asked him to leave and he just ignored it saying he was going to find somewhere and then proceeded to go into this doing everything mode which lasted about a week or so. We’ve now had another Christmas which he has again ruined as he sulked all day saying how fed up and miserable he is. Then the same on (specific detail removed by Moderator). I’ve tried talking to him but every time I do he just starts raging at me. He is now saying he is going to find somewhere to stay. He’s said I’m emotionally abusive, that I belittle him and control him I’ve tried to think hard if I do but I don’t feel I do all I’ve ever tried to do is make everything nice. He was actually shouting (timeframe removed by Moderator) how I’m bullying him and I’m a c@#t who is emotionally abusing him.  He won’t leave even though he says he will and I just don’t know what to do because it feels like I’m causing him all this pain because he goes into these depressive episodes and telling me how miserable he is and how no one helps him how he’s so lonely. I just don’t understand how this is all my fault and I am now the abusive one he needs to get away from but then doesn’t leave, I’m confused, muddled and upset. I just don’t understand all I ever do is try and make things nice and want us to be happy. I’ve been flagged by social workers and early help who told me he is very abusive towards me. They’ve referred me to a support service and I have been getting advice. I don’t know why I find it so hard to follow through with actually getting him to leave, it actually feels like my heart is breaking and all I can feel is bad for him. I keep doubting that he is abusive and I’m even questioning wether I am abusive. I just don’t think I am but it’s making me feel ill and I just feel so rubbish. He’s now decided we need to see a councillor so he can have his say. I just don’t think that’s panning out well because as soon as I have my say he will just see it all as an attack.

[Reallyconfused]

I’m so sorry to hear this. I understand how you must be feeling. It is a lonely place.  Your husband knows what he is doing and is “playing” with your emotions.
He has no intention to leave. He wants you to think you are the problem but he knows full well he is controlling the whole situation.
becoming the “victim” also has power over us because that pulls us back into the toxic relationship. Again these men are manipulative to the extreme, they don’t need a happy home environment- they need power , domination and control.
They don’t care how you or the children are feeling and will carry on causing chaos ,which is what they want.
They love confusing us and want us to feel it’s our fault.
Even with the counsellor he will want the counsellor on his side instead of facing the issues as a couple.
Get Lundy Bancroft’s book “why does  he do that?”, speak to supportive agencies, share your feelings with trusted people , get a counsellor for yourself.
understand this is not you.
Sadly we wait for partners to change and we try to enjoy the breadcrumbs of kindness thrown our way. They don’t change and the “nice” bits keep us roped in.
We all deserve better and deserve care in a mutually respectful relationship.
Look after yourself.

[Chillijam]

Thank you for your reply, he tells me I’m the problem or as he said earlier “(quote removed by Moderator)” I just don’t understand it I’ve asked him what he thinks my part in it is and he can’t give me an answer or he comes up with something like I never ask him what he wants in bed it’s all about me. I get so twisted as I do know I’m not perfect but I can’t help feeling  he just deflects things from himself. 

[Better-days]

Chillijam I understand completely how you feel, what ur husband does is exactly what mine and probably most abusive men do they twist absolutely everything around and put the blame on us. I know how it feel to feel trapped like there’s no way out and also stuck between ur kids and ur husband I hope to leave this year but then I also didn’t want to start the year like this. Opening up to woman’s aid helped me feel stronger if u have alr day done so. I’m sorry I don’t have much advice but ur not alone and im here anytime u need to talk x

[Chillijam]

Thank you for your reply it’s so good to just hear from someone that understands. I’ve asked him to leave and I am now getting switches from sniping to raging to playing the victim. I’m trying to stay strong but honestly it’s so difficult. I only really had my eyes opened to this being abuse within the last 6 months. Before this I was too busy trying to make him happy and failing miserably. I hope you find the strength to take that step one thing I have learned it’s never the right time. There’s always been something going on that’s made me changed my mind it’s so so hard. You are right the big difference is reaching out for support it like reconditioning your brain that this is not ok and it’s not normal.

[Better-days]

You’re right there’s never a good time. Well done for asking him to leave that takes huge bravery. I tried to leave a few years back and he lost it so if I ever leave I will just have to go when he’s not here then sort it all out. So I know most likely keeping my house won’t be an option I have reached out to social housing and basically as I’m a home owner it’s difficult to get a let. It’s all a mess. I hope things r better for u soon x*x

[Chillijam]

You should talk to your local DA service. I want to be able to stay in my home due to my kids and I thought the same about having to leave but there is definitely a lot more than I thought could be done it’s a legal route so for me that feels scary but I’m taking baby steps and I have found having the support from the local domestic abuse service really helpful. It really does suck to be honest. He’s still not left yet and it’s draining the life out of me.

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