Trying to win me back but I beat him at his own game

[Overcome]

Hi ladies,

So I have been out of my relationship for a short while now. He has tried all of the tricks in the book to get me back; firstly, threatening suicide (to which I eventually said I will call the ambulance and police if he said that again). Then a “breakdown”; crying all the time, not talking, not eating etc etc. Then promising that he will get counselling.

I said to him the only chance of us ever getting back together is if he seriously goes through counselling and I see a big change in him. Which would not happen soon, it would take months if not years.

Anyway, he has been doing the love bombing stage, endless messages, professing his undying love, promises of the moon and stars but yet no real change.

The final straw for me leaving was an ex he had started to get close to… I saw the massages and they were damning. I said to him he needed to cut all contact before trying to fix what we had which he assured me he had.

This person tried to befriend me on social media, so I knew straight away he had been lying again. I confronted him about this and he told me he had cut contact weeks ago. I couldn’t get the truth out of him, he was calling me evil for hurting him again. So I messaged her, she said she hadn’t spoke to him for a few weeks but didn’t know half of the story (as in he told her he was single when he wasn’t) and wouldn’t have got involved had she knew.

He has since found out I’ve been in contact with her and so now i’m getting the silent treatment.

I am right in thinking he has n**********c injury aren’t I? He has totally blanked me since this episode; no lovey dovey text massages, nothing.

Deep down I know, but the trauma banding is still there.

With love,

Overcome.

[KIP.]

He’s been caught lying and cheating. He doesn’t have an answer at the moment but he will be back in touch with more delusional lies. My ex did the same. Begging and pleading with me to give him another chance while all the while in a relationship with another woman, she actually changed her facebook status to in a relationship with him. He had been lying to her and I bet he didn’t expect her to do that. My sister saw it and that’s how I found out. Block him and cut him out your life or you’re leaving yourself open to more hurt and pain. He has shown you his true colours. He’s not interested in working on himself. As far as he’s concerned he’s not the one with the problem.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Overcome, my goodness you could be describing my situation to a T, apart from the bit about catching him cheating, though I have in a way, as his tablet is full of pornsites he’s visited, yet he denies he is!!! At this moment in time he is being as nice as he can be. Thinks this is how he’ll win me back, by not shouting at me, getting angry at me, but he’s doing it with others and then tells me. I’ve noticed though that he gets into these situations when I’ve done something for me,even though he’s telling me he’s okay with it, that he has to accept that I want to do things for me. But I don’t forget how he was and tbh how not that far away he still is. I don’t know if my oh has any mental issues, he certainly displays some, but without any medical evaluation I wouldn’t label him.
The trauma bonding, I’ve also noticed that the longer I’m away from him, that I make my own choices, my own decisions, the easier I’m finding it to stand up to him, but it’s not easy. There have been a few times I’ve said I’m doing one thing when I’m really doing something else. I’ve recognised that that is how I was when we lived together, that I still fear his reaction. He feels justified in getting angry as I’ve lied to him as he puts it. There rarely is any way of going back, I no longer love or am in love with my oh. I don’t have any respect left for him, no longer even like him or even fancy him, yet I still find I can’t say no to him, that I go to him when he’s lonely/missing me. Though now he’s told me that he doesn’t need me…. yet only a few weeks ago he was still crying,begging me to come back. Maybe the message is finally sinking in. He’s offering me bits of furniture for my flat, which considering it’s refuge accommodation, isn’t an option. I just see it as another way of still keeping me tied to him. Oh what a tangled web we weave.
Keep posting, I’m amazed at how still reading others posts is helping me through this time in my life.
Thank you ladies from the bottom of my cold and stoney heart💞💞

[Overcome]

Thanks for your replies ladies, I wish I could go no contact but as we have children together I have to stay in contact with him…

Why do I feel like that bad guy again? I have to keep reminding myself that I wouldn’t have had to contact this woman had he not been trying it on with her in the first place!

I should have just said there is no future for us. Easier said than done though isn’t it.

[Hetty]

It’s so easy to be drawn back in. I think more than anything we all want/wanted a happy family life.
You’re right re Counselling to not think this is an answer to his problems. I work in a related field. I don’t believe the NHS resources are suitable to address the problems these men have, in my opinion. Most have problems so deep it would take years to even get close to the issues. It would take a hell of a lot of commitment, determination and probably cash to pay privately. If he really wanted to do that he would have done it before now.
Save yourself.
You can keep your contact with him re the children to an absolute minimum. Only engage in conversation re the children. You have to stay firm with this, even when he’s playing nice guy. Get a cheap second phone, have a third party manage the contact. Give yourself space to heal x

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