TW: Abortion, ex and religion

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey beautiful survivors,

This is a really difficult post to write, and I’m hoping there will be some women on here who resonate with how I’m feeling as this is something I feel very alone with currently and it’s a taboo subject.

I fell pregnant very young, when I hadn’t been with my abusive ex very long – at the time, I panicked due to having an awareness that our relationship wasn’t healthy and knowing my mental health was deteriorating and chose to have an abortion. This was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, especially as I’m from a Catholic family. I also knew how problematic it would be to bring a child into our toxic relationship and my situation. I made a choice not to bring a child into that equation.

At the time, I imagined I would have left him and recovered from the abuse immediately after the abortion but I didn’t and I stayed many more years until I found the strength to completely walk away from him therefore, was abused mentally, emotionally then physically worse than pre-abortion.

The decision of the abortion has haunted me ever since, and although I deeply regret it, I also know it was the right decision for the child and for myself.

About a year ago I had EMDR for the trauma and the events around the abortion, and I found peace with my decision and the impact it had on me lessened tremendously, and although I acknowledged, it would always be painful that pain wasn’t as intense and I felt I could live with my decision.

Suddenly out of the blue, the last two weeks, the grief of the loss has hit me incredibly hard – and it feels like my heart has been shattered all over again. Knowing there is nothing I can do to change my decision is causing me a lot of pain – I know grief comes up unexpectedly and it’s a journey, but these thoughts like “God gave me that chance for a reason” keeps coming up. Like I was meant to have that child, otherwise I wouldn’t have fell pregnant. It’s making me feel crazy, that these thoughts are haunting me like this.

I’m not sure what to do, I’m riding it out, in hope that it’s just grief popping back up and will pass but I feel so alone with it. It’s not something I feel comfortable discussing with friends, or family so I’m wondering if there is a woman on here who understand, and I felt I could reach out with other survivors. I have tried to speak to my best friend about it, and also my therapist but as I go to speak it just can’t come out.

I have anxiety around not getting the opportunity to have children, I am still young and I know I have discussed this on other posts before and many women conceive later in their lives and deliver healthy babies. I know it’s so important to focus on me right now, and I absolutely am and I am healing and have a much happier life, through the work in recovery I have done, through connecting to hobbies gradually and moving forward and on from my abusive relationship but I am still unable to work or mix much with men (friends even). It just feels so unlikely to me that I’ll be able to date again, for a long long time, therefore unable to get to know someone well enough to be able to have children with them and I so dearly want to have children and become a mother one day.
I know I can’t state my age on here but I am reaching the age where it’s the safest to have children in.

I’m wondering if anyone else has felt this way, especially in terms of their relationship with religion? I’m looking for compassion, resonation with other women, advice. I’m not looking for judgement or anti-abortion views so please if you do not agree with the decision I made, ignore this post. Thank you xx

[Bananaboat]

Hello, whilst I can’t relate to the religion side when I was very young I had an abortion. I realise now I was in an abusive relationship then too, coupled with a lack of support from family it was the right decision for me and the child, but even now many many years on it’ll suddenly pop into my conscious and I’ll wonder what could’ve been, how old they’d be etc. but don’t forget to reflect on what life could’ve been like had your fears come true, the very reasons you made that choice in the first place. I did have children several years later but alas clearly my type is abusive narcs and so I don’t have the picture perfect life. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s perfectly normal to reflect back and wonder, if it’s really holding you back then speak with a counsellor or your gp. For the future, no one knows what that holds and there’s many ways to be a parent nowadays at many ages. I don’t profess to understand the pulls and rules of religion but look at how much you’ve survived, you’re stronger than you think and have lots of life ahead.

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