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…and the pain is more searing everyday. It’s pulling even my family apart and I feel completely isolated. I’m paying for expensive therapy and I feel hollow and dead inside. I cannot imagine my life without this person. I hate the way things ended and it’s destroying me. I feel like a toilet. Everything had been dumped on me. All responsibility for the end of the relationship, all my mistakes, everything is my fault on top of the abuse and the miscarriage. It is too much for me to bear. I don’t have the strength for the police or the complaint. No one seems bothered about the abuse so I’m coming to a point where I completely accept it. It’s got to the point where my dad is offering to make contact with him. I know he probably won’t pick up the phone or reply, but I’m desperate for closure or to have him back. I cannot leave things as they are. I just can’t. I know it’s crazy but I feel like I’m living in limbo all over again. I felt that way when I was with him and I feel this way now, the only difference is that at least he was in my life before whereas now there is only a huge gaping chasm. I may take my dad up on his offer. I may even contact his mother after all. I’m entitled to seek resolutions from someone I almost had a baby with surely? It’s not as if we fell out and the relationship just ended. He hurt me with his verbal attacks, got me pregnant (on purpose?), challenged me too prove my trustworthiness and ghosted me when I needed him most. Not credentials that would make anyone want him, but he’s hurting just as much to be like this. He made promises to me and even if we cannot be together, I’m surely entitled to seek some closure and be treated as human. We’re going to be living in close proximity. The chances of bumping into each other high. I can’t live another year looking over my shoulder and feeling anxious about that. I won’t be a member of the university anymore, just living close for work. And yet he still uses the Dean’s ‘no contact’ advice to beat me with.
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I’m sorry you are feeling this way Beauty, maybe it helps to read about the five stages of grief, it sounds like you are stuck at the negotiating phase.
Aim to get to the accepting phase, there lies your power for action and counter him with a statement and formal complaint at the uni.
Wishing you the best -
Dear Beautymarked
On reading everything you have written, all the pain evident in your words, it is obvious where the pain has come from.
Sometimes we cant understand everything, sometimes things really cant make sense and its damaging for us to keep throwing ourselves against that wall.
If we had a super loving and fun dog that would suddenly out of nowhere attack and cause harm to us and our children we would have to remove ourselves from that unpredictable harm for our own safety, because we could never know when it might happen again, knowing that it will, despite how difficult and heartbreaking that is.
Any contact with that dog would risk another attack and you couldn’t know when it would happen or ever trust again.
The dog has an inbuilt attack mechanism even against those that love and care for it.
It will not give you closure to keep visiting, only increase the risk.
You have been harmed, are in pain, but your wounds, with love and care, will heal in time. The emotional grieving will also pass, as you express your thoughts and grief and let it pour out.
Hold on there love. Youve been through so much, look to yourself, and others, like therapy and here, safe sources of support and understanding for your experiences and pain.
Do keep posting so bravely. We’re all here to help each other best we can.
Warmest wishes
TS
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Darling, you’re desperate for closure and truly it won’t come from him. You need to make it yourself.
Remember you were sure that sending that letter would get you closure? He woukd either respond or not; whatever happened at least you`d know whether he really was a rotten human being or a decent one and it would bring closure.
Well, you got the non—response but not the closure, it seems. He won’t ever provide it: they don’t.
You need to take care of yourself and try to switch the focus from him, lovely.
Carry on with the counselling and be gentle with yourself.
Flower x
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