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    • #48217

      The reason why he won’t commit suicide, even though he wants to, is that he doesn’t want me to have the house…
      I make no efforts.
      He tells me he looks on the Internet for justifications to his attitude.
      I am called vulgar names.
      He threatens to stop working.
      Projection galore.
      What he has done is distant past enough…
      The list goes on.

      And now and then we have the pity begging alcohol dependent man who makes a particular gesture, takes a particular action, which by the way is extremely childish, in order to rid himself of the demon bottles…sorry to say I find this pathetic.

      But I hate who I am becoming because after informing myself on all the manipulation tactics abusers use, I can predict all of my husband’s words, actions and reactions. I feel like I am turning into an abuser by the level of anticipated predictability I am clearly able to analyze. I call it revenge. I feel bad because I can see how he is loosing his power and control over me. I am now fiercely independent, ready for battle with the divorce, and he cannot stop me. I have no love left for him, absolutely no respect for him and I feel I have become a horrible person copying his utter lack of care and his very strange displays of weirdness.

      I cannot allow myself to become like him. I would hate making others suffer in the future, and if ever I met someone else, I would hate being engulfed by lack of trust in a fellow human being who would mean no harm to me.

      Abuse can sometimes turn you into a bitter watchful paradoxical creature. I don’t wish that on me nor on any other victim of abuse. I cannot become hateful, revengeful and cold.

      I want peace with my past and my sad memories of the life I had with him, I have to reach a state of stability to regain the person I used to be.

      I feel awful about myself.

    • #48219
      White Rose
      Participant

      Don’t feel awful. You’ve no need on to.
      He abused you, not you him. He’s the way he is and you won’t change him. He wants your pity so he can turn it back on you and hurt you more by making you feel you’re in the wrong.
      Ignore him. You’re stronger than him and definitely don’t need his mind games.
      You say you’re fiercely independent and ready for battle… sound to me as if you’re ready to win!
      You’ll need to be strong and not be swayed as he’ll fight and twist every little thing and make the process harder than it needs to be but he won’t be expecting your strength. And you know him better than he knows the new you.
      You’ll get your stability (the stabilizers may fail occasionally – mine do!) and life will get better it just takes time and patience x*x

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