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    • #137450
      Tryingtomoveonsafe
      Participant

      So it’s been a while after the break up, I’ve been blocked on everything for a good few weeks now, I’ve started to pick myself up, the withdrawal and that general feeling of aniexty has lifted, I’ve been up and down for a while, so I’ve started to do positive things, joins new groups, work is going great, been out a few times, life seems to be a lot brighter, well I only bumped in to the ex, and now I’m back to feeling rubbish, he’s unblocked me and replied to a message I sent ages ago, basically saying if I cared why would I upload new photos to my social media, why am I plastered being single for the world to see, how dare I, but I am single and I certainly havnt plastered myself or even told social media I’m single, I’m annoyed I replied and tried to talk to him, for him to then ignore me as he always does! Another form of punishment, I don’t get why he’s unblocked me on stuff but yet can’t be amicable and just give me some closure! Help me out girls I’m back to feeling terrible again after doing so well, anyone else feel like this ????

    • #137457
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi there,

      You seem to have been doing well for yourself so far and have made some progress in moving on. The fact HE blocked YOU put him in control straight away because he can unblock when he wants to and have a peek at your social media to see what you’re up to. No doubt his ego has been bruised, because rather than read that you’re devastated he’s learned that you’re coping well and moving on 😁 That’s not something an abuser wants, he needs to know he can still have contact and have you back so he’s setting the scene to start playing with your emotions again.

      The power is now in your hands to block him, and keep him blocked. Don’t be tempted to unblock in a few weeks just to see if he’s tried to message you, otherwise you’ll undo all the good work you’ve done.

      You need to go zero contact now and put him in the past. If you have no children or finances together and are able to make that final, clean break then that’s the best way.

      Good luck x

    • #137467
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi Tryingtomoveonsafe,

      I feel you. Getting back in touch (independent of either side), is soooo tempting. You feel like you can keep some form of connection to this person that meant so much to you. But just be careful not to get sucked back into toxic dynamics. I know that I struggling with that. And above all, don’t let him control your emotional state! Recognise what he is doing, and gain some distance from it, however you feel is right.
      Also, I have heard that closure is overrated.

      Take care <3

    • #137531
      The Duchess
      Participant

      I been there myself blocking game , I’ve done it too many times to my ex and then unblocked, and I have to be honest felt worse after I had unblocked. I think if you are determined to make a clean break of it , sometimes you need to just walk away and do zero contact , they won’t give you the closure you want as it’s a game and they know your weaknesses to push buttons and play with your emotions. Do not concern yourself about what your ex is doing or thinking or why he said anything to you , you do not need to explain yourself to him , it’s all about control and power which he thinks he has over you by playing games . Block and your in control , walk away and don’t look back x

    • #137544
      Tryingtomoveonsafe
      Participant

      Thanks for your reply’s, I’ve gone massively backwards this week, I tried to contact him after weeks of no contact, he’s unblocked me and now I’m confused, why is it so difficult to presss block on social media and block them out your life? I’ve literally gone full circle and he’s playing games with me, I don’t understand how he still has this control over me, to the point I’m back in bed not wanting to face the world again, how does this even happen, especially when I’ve been so positive!

    • #137550
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hi tryingtomoveonsafe,
      It is very hard, sometimes it can feel impossible once you break no contact and they are back in your head. What helped me, when I was where you are, was reading the journal I kept (when we were together and now), as it reminded me of the abuse which would come if I carried on contact with him.

      They do not chamge, the abuse would be worse. Then I imagine Christmas with him 2022, and oh wow, it would be awful as he would punish me for dare breaking up with him, he would use our children to get on his side and all that kind of atuff, if I had him back I don’t think I would have the strength to leave again and that keeps me strong.

      Self care helps, run a bath for yourself, have your favourite coffee/tea or whatever, listen to calm music which you like. You have done so well and you still are by reaching out on here
      Keep posting ❤

    • #137551
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi again 🙂

      Don’t get too disheartened by this set back, we all have them along the way but it doesn’t mean that you won’t get yourself back to a ‘good place’ again.

      You say that you have ‘gone full circle’ this week, and that’s exactly why it is called ‘the cycle of abuse’. A cycle is a circle and we keep going round and round in it until we do something to break it. I say ‘we’ do something because it has to be us that breaks it. These men won’t, they don’t need to. Their intention is to keep us in it because it benefits them to have us.

      It is hard to get over him because the reality is you don’t really WANT to leave him. Don’t read that as a criticism, none of us WANT to leave our abusers, but it gets to a stage where we HAVE to leave them for our own sanity or safety. There is a huge difference between WANTING to do something and HAVING to do something. ‘Wanting’ gives us a choice, ‘having’ is not necessarily a choice. When we leave these men we quite often are still attracted to them, still love them, still have some hope that they can change and go back to the man that we fell in love with and be that man 99% of the time.

      I should imagine that part of your initial thought process in the first few weeks of ‘no contact’ is the hope that by not having you in his life at all he will come to the realisation of the error of his ways; the realisation of what it means to him to not have you and that he will do whatever it takes to have you back again and he will change… for the better. In our own minds, this break up and period of no contact is only temporary, because we believe he will miss us and will magically become the man we want him to be in order to win us back. We fool ourselves, and often, that is why we cope to start with, we don’t want to allow ourselves to think that this is over for good and they are out of our lives as permanently as if they had died.

      What we are actually doing is torturing ourselves. After that certain period of ‘no contact’ we then want to make contact in some way to find out how they are coping without us, only to find the answer is everything but the one we so badly hoped for. Usually we find out that they have moved on very quickly and are now with another woman (this makes us feel bad because we start to understand we didn’t mean that much to them in the first place), or that they are angry with us and critical of us for leaving them and want to punish us for that now that they have the opportunity to do so (and this makes us feel bad because it reminds us of why we left them and we realise they are never going to be the ‘lovely man’ we so desperately want them to be.)

      We can’t just switch off our feelings for them (if only it was that easy!) and that is why so many of us go back time and time again. Each time we go back we HOPE things will be different – none of us ever go back hoping it will just be the same. Eventually, we learn it never gets better.

      You are going through a very emotional time at the moment. Acting on our emotions is often an impulsive thing to do and does not always give us the best outcome, so you need to allow some extra time to process your emotions. Over time, emotions do change, and that is why ‘zero contact’ is the best way for us to get over these men.

      Allow yourself a day in bed today, or a day in pyjamas, and write this day off as the last day of this period of sadness/unhappiness/regret or whatever emotion you are feeling. Set yourself a positive goal for tomorrow and use it as the first day of a new period in your life to getting over an abusive relationship. Sometimes when I’ve been feeling a bit down and have moped around for a few days I make sure I get up early one morning, get showered, do my hair and make-up and then take myself off to Costa for a latte and a piece of cake just to get myself out of the house. It gives me a purpose for the day.

      xx

    • #137564
      Tryingtomoveonsafe
      Participant

      Thanks for ur replies, I’ve decided to write the day off and spend the day doing nothing watching tv and eating junk food, I’m going to stop being hard on myself, and try and relax and stop allowing him to take up all my head space. I’ve done so much reading into why he keeps blocking and unblocking and ur all right it’s to punish and control me more, the whole him getting supply off me sits so true as I gave him enough supply when I responded to his text and said how I missed him etc to then being ignored, his way of gaining more control from me! I’m annoyed I slipped up and gave him what he needed, as now I’m back feeling low and back to feeling I want him back, again all part of that trauma bond which only I can break, I’m finding it impossible to break.

    • #137577
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Tryingtomoveonsafe

      I was going to write what you said, to basically stop being so hard on yourself. I know, like us all, you are used to someone being hard on you, and expecting the worst, but now its time to let go of all that and look after yourself, indulge yourself a bit, yes, feet up and some junk food will do you good to just let go for a day.

      That overthinking of trying to understand his actions, can be useful, but can also drive you round in those circles without answers. I do believe it helps some to understand what we’ve been through, its only natural of our brain to try to make sense of our world, but abusers are some complex thing to make sense of, and we need plenty of downtime to recover from them.

      You are only as (detail removed by Moderator) any of us, for all the times we’ve hoped it would be ok, it would be different, but it never is is it, just more of the same, either being hoovered up or punished.

      You will get there, and the easiest way is to focus on you, and block himn every which way you can. He will do all manner of stuff, expect it and it will help with your coping. Be patient with yourself, and enjoy relaxing now you really can. x

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #137752
      The Duchess
      Participant

      I really know how you feel so much it made me want to cry , these unfortunately are the games they play , I’ve learned the hard way & by experience now , which games they play so they know the reaction to get from you as they know what works and what doesn’t, what you need to do now is the complete opposite of what he expects from you . I would personally block him everywhere all this person is doing to you is making you unhappy and he is still in control as you are allowing it , take charge of your own life now , be in control , shock him , don’t waste another day of your life letting this person make you miserable, no joy will come from him , you know this already . It is hard to cut the cord , but once you do you will feel so much better , take each day as a new day , concentrate on yourself, your life , do you now , think of all the happy things you can do in the future. Music helped me to relax , start to detach yourself away xx

    • #137772
      teatime
      Participant

      Please do block yourself. I know its hard as he could get angry.
      When I blocked an abusive ex ringing me on the land-line, he started sending angry texts.
      But you have to do it.
      If you don’t block you can’t say to the Police you have tried to prevent contact. If he harasses you.

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