Uncertain

[Bumblebee3]

Hi, another newbie here and searching for answers.
Covid19/ lockdown has completely changed my life and how I see my future.
I’ve never been hit or physically abused and this gives me a huge feeling of guilt that I’m here, as there are so many women going through a lot worse and I have read some really inspirational Stories on the forum-
I question myself if I’m overeating or just being dramatic.
To give you some background my husband is emotionally distant, which has worsened since the birth of our child. “Things” haven’t been right for a while with the constant arguments and bickering. He has become more controlling in all aspects, but i still go out and see friends and family but he does make it difficult, I’m very certain he has a n**********c personality. I’m now financially depending on him too which I’m struggling with.

I would love the both of us to sit down, talk and overcome issues that are a problem for me but to him these issues don’t exist.
It’s me being selfish. This is the reaction to most talks or arguments we have. I find myself in the firing line and any past situation is up for argument.
I’m now watching what I say to him as don’t want an argument to begin or for him to get annoyed. I suggested to him I go alone to counselling or see my GP about how overwhelmed I was feeling but he prevented that happening. I also reached out to a life couch who promised me that they could 100% help me but at cost of £3500. Money I just haven’t got. I would love for us to work things out, I’m but also realising what I want Might just be a dream, some fantasy I am just clinging on to.

I have now lost my job (work shut down because of Coronavirus) so I am home enjoying being a full time mum.
But was told by him that I am costing him money. There zero support from him, which has always been the case and nothing new.
Never helped with chores, never shown any encouragement, no support when our child was born, no emotional support or comfort. He has a constant need for recognition, compliments or praise, to which is never returned, I can’t even remember the last time he has said he loves me which makes me question if he does.
Close family have told me that I am living under emotional abuse, but also feel partly to blame as I can retaliate to when he’s in one of his moods and he knows what to say to cause a reaction.

Our life is at a cross roads as we plan to buy a bigger home. it’s truly my dream home.
But I have an overwhelming feeling that a new home will not solve our problems.
another part of me feels that if I walked away I would be giving up, ripping our family apart and changing our child’s life forever.
I’m also scared of how his behaviour will escalate if we were separated.

What I’m really asking is how do you know walking away is the best option?
How can you leave knowing your sure things were never going to get better?

[Whodat]

Hey bumblebee. As with anything there are no certainties but the you are posting in women’s aid which would suggest you are not happy at the very least. If family have noticed his behaviour and think he’s abusive then it probably is. It’s easier to see on the outside. If he’s abusive he won’t change,therapy etc doesn’t work on these people. I was in the same predicament but I stayed and ultimately he discarded me, it was horrendous. Bybthen I had no confidence anyway and was for sure suffering with depressions and severe anxiety because of him. To be honest i highly doubt he will suddenly change into a kind and loving partner. These situations tend to get worse over time. Like you I would sometimes argue back, which made it worse to be honest,he would basically punish me in some way later, but at the end he said i was too independent, which I took to mean that I wouldn’t fully submit to him lol. If you can download Lundy Bancroft ‘why does he do that’ it should help clarify your situation for you. It’s a brilliant book and it really opens your eyes. Keep posting here,research and stay safe!!

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there Bumblebee, looking at it from the outside there stree many instances of emotional abuse, gaslighting start of alienation. My oh never actually said i couldn’t go out, but it became more and more nerve racking to go. I’d have to ‘perform” before going, sly comments of what I was wearing, how much makeup I’d have on, perfume I wore, comments like, you don’t dress up like that for me, you don’t normally wear perfume. He’d take me and pick me up, which was fair enough in the beginning, but then it’d be mind I’ve got work in the morning, so I started leaving earlier and earlier. Then taking me stopped, so I’d take the car,as taxis cost too much, you didn’t know the driver, what they might do. Taking the car also ensured that I didn’t drink.(because of course I couldn’t control myself when I was drunk didn’t know what I was doing or who’d sh..ged me)Then when I got back(before I started taking the car) he’d jokingly ask to smell my pants,want to know why I smelt of sex, when it was just my own female smell, then get aggressive when I’d refuse him.
Gosh writing this down, how did I not see?
I knew walking away was my only option, he’d hit me badly twice previously, was always aggressive, veins would bulge in his bec, spit fly from his mouth. Physical abuse isn’t just punching,broken bones or black eyes. Its nipping, grabbing, wee kicks when you go by, usually followed up with cant you take a joke, I’m only having a laugh, it’s play fighting,or the c*****r, I’m trying to toughen you up. Look up the cycle of abuse, FOG of abuse too. They do condition us, slowly over time. Think of a frog in a pot of boiling water. If you put it straight in, it would jump back out, but put it in cold water and slowly heat the water, it’ll stay there till the end.
Keep posting, it’s very surreal. I too felt such a fraud,posting on here as I knew my relationship wasn’t the best but compared to others on here it was. It wasn’t until I really started questioning his actions, looked up the cycle of abuse, read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and living with the dominator by pat Craven that the FOG of abuse started to lift. I wouldn’t even go into refuge in the beginning as I felt other ladies with children need it more than me. Nearly a year later ìm in refuge accommodation, have my own house to move into, once lockdown restrictions are lifted. And I SEE he is abusive and entitled and jyst doesn’t want to change. Oh he says he will, if I go back it’s the only way he can show me. But his actions and words have not changed, mr Hyde is still very much in there.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Bumblebee3]

Thanks for reply. It’s good to hear another point of view as sadly my family are fed up of it now. They have offered support but also been very distant.
I know the two situations I face the first is to leave, and forever been the horrible nasty b**** that left him and broke our family.
But make a life for me with my daughter and slowly get back to my olde self.
Or stay living, unhappy only for him to Leave me when it suits him. Just stick around hoping for a miracle.

I’m worried that he will always be the bully in my life even if we aren’t together.
I’m scared of the backlash if/ when I leave.
Thank you again

[iliketea]

Didn’t want to read and run but was in exactly your position a while ago. I took the house option, not my dream home but was in many ways stability that wasn’t there. I regret it with all my heart. Start thinking about if after each commitment you’ve made, baby, giving something up, doing something he wanted, (the small things we all do in relationships to make them work) did his behaviour get worse not better. And you wondered why? I’ll write more later, sending hugs, and its how it makes you feel that is important. Not necessarily the type of abuse or extent of it. Psychological/Emotional is terrible too. I’m in it, I’m there, right now, everything you said resonates. Sending strength. x

[Anonymous]

I think you know what the best choice is and I give you full affirmation of that one! You can’t live your life in turmoil and fear sweetheart. And your daughter deserves better also. It affects her big time as well. Rubs off on her, all of it. Codependency is a nasty little thing because of course everything you do or think or feel is about putting someone else first. What will they think, how will they feel, how do I keep them from jumping me, etc., etc.? So tiring, isn’t it? All of it. What if you had “you” back? Imagine that one, be with it…

I’m not into women being slaves. I think we have left that era now and need to stay wayyyy farrrr away from it! We’re not possessions or servants. I mean, we can decide to do that but why would we when we have choices? It’s like oh me, oh my, what to do, what to do, choose the mud pie, the rock soup or this lovely homecooked meal of mine over here? A no brainer.

Read, read, keep reading, educate yourself. Sometimes while living in their tunnel you get tunnel vision and everything is quite depressing and of course geared towards you being the bad guy about pretty much everything and how dare you want to have a life and personhood! Well……..how dare you not want all that, right? He does.

You got sisters here so talk your head off, roll ideas round, get all that clutter out of your gut and head and let’s see what’s what! Why not? The way out of the forest starts with one step and you’ve made it by being here so that’s very huge actually. We will keep you company, listen and give whatever help we can because you are in an abusive relationship and it doesn’t have to include physical abuse because you are quite bruised inside. I see it from here. Time to be certain about your right not to be abused….Hugs to you!

[Bumblebee3]

Thank you for all the replies! It makes me feel so united with you all especially when life can just feel very lonely.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone though, you have us and I think when you live in a vacuum where you get no support it’s hard……truly is. Been there. You want the support and all that but truth is – life is made up alot of “alone” spaces and it’s not a bad thing really. It’s when we get to face ourselves and do the right thing by ourselves. I mean, sure it’s lonely but – I am my own best friend sooo, I’m okay with that.

It really is decision time isn’t it? Riding the fence is like riding the razorblade. But you have to make a plan if you want this to end. That’s soothing in it’s own right actually.

You know what you see, know what you feel and I think you know what you need to do. Being paralyzed is an ugly thing. Keeps you going round and round like the goldfish in the blender. But you know what, you need affirmation and that’s what we are all here for. To put our arms around you and say – you’re not mad, you’re not wrong, you’ve just been beaten up and bruised for a very long time and it doesn’t have to be physical, mental and emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse.

Being a slave, a servant to anyone just isn’t okay. You’re not anyone’s punching bag. Not their scapegoat, etc. You got Sistas here let me tell you!! We’ve been through the wormhole a few times and backwards a time or two. That one hurts. But we learned from it all and we here to help each other, help you and to better understand ourselves. So if you get your knickers in a knot just do a shout out and we’ll pull you back up and unwind that knot, okay? 🙂

[Done-with-this]

I feel like you – fraud for being on here – he’s never hit me etc. Feel like I’ll be tearing my family apart and ruining my kids lives. Scared of asking to go out, spending most of the tiMe when I’m out wondering what mood he’ll be in when I get home. Fielding calls and texts from him when I’m out.

It’s so reassuring to read what other people say as I often think I’ve got it wrong as he can be lovely, tells me he loves me etc but as soon as something isn’t what suits him or isn’t about him it changes. I just question whether it’s worth upsetting my kids world for. Although o e of the things covid has taught me is that kids are resilient and adapt very well to change if they are well supported.

I think it’s about finding your time – when you are ready to go. I know I’m not yet BUT I also know I won’t stay forever. I just don’t see this relationship in my future anymore.

Someone on here recommend the Lundy Bancroft book when I joined and it’s fab! Made me realise my instincts were right! You must read it. I found it somewhere free online in a pdf.

[Author]

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