Uncomfortably numb

[Fauvist]

Hi

I never thought I would be adding my story to those brave women who have gone before me but I would appreciate thoughts/feedback on my situation.

My partner and I have what I thought was a really strong and happy relationship. However in the past (Detail removed by Moderator) he had problems at work and more recently lost a family member. It’s obviously been a difficult time and we have supported each other through this. Unfortunately things came to a head (Detail removed by Moderator). I felt I had been picked away at for a couple of days, everything seemed to be my fault, from me not hearing my phone ring when he was trying to contact me to me suggesting we were running late for an appointment. I asked my partner to ease off, pointing out that I was getting a bit fed up with the way he was niggling at me. I was greeted with a sullen response and no recognition that he was behaving badly towards me in any way. He can be extremely stubborn and will argue black is white if the mood takes him. It’s not out of the ordinary for us to go days without speaking and there is never any recognition of what has happened. He tends to act as though things will just go away and we’ll carry on without any further discussion of the subject. There is seldom, if ever, an apology.

As the day progressed I got more and more annoyed by this treatment and it culminated in a dreadful argument at which point, incensed by what seemed to be his inability to recognise his behaviour, I lashed out and hit him across the shoulder. What ensued was a period of physical violence – him grabbing me to restrain me (he’s a LOT bigger than me), me scratching him and shouting at him to let go of me because he was hurting me. I asked him to leave the house, and admittedly said some horrible things to him out of rage. He pinned me down and slapped me across the head/face, finishing by saying (Detail removed by Moderator).

We slept in separate rooms that night and I was covered in bruises. Nothing was said. I went to see my GP who identified this as DV and showed concern for my safety. I didn’t feel that he would be physically violent again and after a few days of us not really speaking I suggested we go to Relate for some help, seeing it as the unfortunate culmination of events and taking responsibility for my part in the physical violence and admitting that I needed to seek help for my outburst. He was unconcerned that I said the GP had labelled me a victim of DV, saying that he was the victim.

There was a further issue (Detail removed by Moderator) which culminated in a shouting argument and me wishing to harm myself. I’d had a stressful day as my elderly mother, (Detail removed by Moderator) called me to say my dad was very unwell and could I go to the house. I had to call an ambulance and then make my way to their house. After spending much of the day in A&E my dad was sent home, but they are a constant worry, becoming increasingly frail and not accepting any help. My partner started niggling at me again because I had received a message from a friend whilst we were at my parents, (Detail removed by Moderator). The niggling continued throughout the day and the arguing started on the way home. He told me that he didn’t feel a part of mine and my friend’s relationship, that we excluded him purposely and then he started to accuse me of having an affair. He has been monitoring my phone behind my back and seen a few messages from an old schoolfriend. I know the context of these messages, he doesn’t. The friend got in touch (Detail removed by Moderator). Through chatting we ended up laughing at the fact we both fancied each other at school but never admitted it to each other. He is now single and asked if there was any chance of us getting together. I said there wasn’t as I was happy with my partner. They ‘jokingly’ asked if I would consider having sex with them and I rebuffed him. There has been little contact until recently when I got a message asking if I was ok and I said I was unwell and off work. I didn’t give details, but their ‘joking’ response was that what I needed was a good ‘seeing to’ to cheer me up. I joked that they were utterly selfless to offer this and whilst I would keep this in mind it wasn’t going to happen. I can see how this might look to someone taking parts of a conversation out of context but certainly didn’t expect my partner to be reading these messages or for them to be monitoring my phone.

We have had an initial consultation with Relate and have been told that our next meetings would be with us as individuals. We are keen to try this. However since this event I have become increasingly unwell – signed off work with stress, shaking when I go out and as much as my partner is now beginning to show some remorse for his behaviour and telling me constantly that he loves me, I am feeling numb towards him. I understand that he has been in a bad place, and he says that he has felt supported by me, but I’m beginning to feel undermined and that he is starting to control who I have contact with and judge me all the time. Whilst he has quite an active social life, I only really have one friend and they don’t live close by. The reason why I kept contact with the old school friend is mainly because I don’t see many people, and whilst I realise his comments might well be out of order, I had made my stand clear.
I also felt aggrieved that my partner was trying to dictate to me who I could and couldn’t have contact with when I knew that my own intentions were totally trustworthy.

I would be really interested in people’s opinions. Am I, as my partner upholds, the perpetrator of domestic abuse? Does he have a right to check my phone? Does it sound as though he’s trying to control me, particularly by saying he doesn’t feel included in my friendship with my best mate? Is this a culmination of extreme stress or should I be concerned that this might be the start of a pattern? At the moment, whilst we’re planning to work through this, I am starting to wonder whether I am deluding myself. I currently feel so unwell that I am not convinced that I might be having a breakdown.

I know many people have been through far worse than me, and apologise if this seems to belittle their experiences, but I feel in a really bad place at the moment.

[iwillbeok]

Oh hon. I’m sending you big hugs! The things you have mentioned (niggling, silent treatment, controlling who you see, him feeling ‘left out’, the physical restraint and physical violence against you) are classic signs of domestic abuse. You have likely felt the increasing pressure and tension of your relationship and lashed out due to frustration. The mind games these abusers can play with us are brain aching!

Please don’t minimise and discount your experiences – they may not be as bad as someone else has gone through but it is still having a detrimental effect on your happiness and self esteem. So often we as the sufferer of these abuses, look to ourselves – what did I do wrong? How could I have handled that differently? The truth is these abusers will continue no matter what we do.

Please call Women’s Aid and have a chat. Google the cycle of abuse (him being all apologetic and the long silent periods between you plays into this). I’m glad to hear that you are being seen separately in counselling – too often the abuse continues into the counselling sessions and afterwards.

If you can, read The Dominator by Pat Craven, and Lundy Bancroft’s book Why does he do that? Both very insightful into the mind of the abuser. Please take care though – when these men are called out on their behaviour this is the most dangerous time, that and when women try to leave.

iwillbeok x

[KIP.]

Huge red flags. Saying he (Detail removed by Moderator) is a huge red flag. Nothing you did excuses his violent outburst. His controlling behaviour and your seriously declining mental health. Please tell all this to your counsellor when you see her alone. I’m hoping she is fully trained in domestic abuse. If not, please seek out a fully qualified counsellor. Your partner will never change and abuse always gets worse. I had one friend too. While he would go out socialising when I tried to go out he would make a fuss and I often cancelled. No wonder my social circle narrowed to one. Even one was too many. Checking your phone and accusing you of cheating are also abuser behaviour. Try to ring the helpline for a chat or find your local women’s aid. Sounds like you may have post traumatic stress disorder. Bring this up with your counsellor. Don’t allow your partner to talk you out of going but if he threatens violence then go secretly x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Fauvist, it was great you reached out, i hope you are in a better headspace now. Ive just ready Lundy Bancroft book, why does he do that.. Its free to download as pdf too. Explains a lot of the abusers behaviour. Mine is def a mix of more than one type mentioned. He will say you abuse him so hes justified in hitting/hurting you back. No, no, no. You wouldnt be eventually defending yourself if you werent afraid or squashed into a corner. Im glad the counsellor has suggested separate counselling, an abuser can generally fool a couples therapist as they are all about feeling and arent always up on DA. I also thought (wrongly)that my husband needed ander management course, no he doesn’t cos he can control his anger when he chooses to, jyst not with me!!+
Keep posting and reaching out,x
IWMB 💕💕

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