Unfit father /coercive control

[Getusout]

Hello ladies
I don’t know where to start, so I picked this topic. Have any of you successfully proved that he was unfit or got a successful conviction of coercive control please?

I’m stuck in this horrible situation (as we all are – I’m so sorry you’re all here as well) & trying to work out how to leave and best protect my daughter.

Thank you for reading

[maddog]

It’s a wretched situation and very very frightening. Try to record as much as you possibly can. Make contact with Women’s Aid. The police have a domestic abuse department. It is well worth dialling 101 and asking to speak to them. It is so important to be believed.

There is loads of information on youtube about domestic abuse. Pat Craven’s book is really helpful. Lundy Bancroft has also written about domestic abuse. He is also on youtube.

Women’s Aid runs the Freedom Programme which is fantastic. I found it more helpful to go in person as I found it supportive to be in a room with other women who had experienced similar things.

It is a truly shocking revelation to realise the depths that an abuser will sink to. It is really important to start getting your voice heard. Please don’t suffer in silence. The police can be tremendously supportive and are key holders to many organisations. Please inform your gp and any schools involved. Domestic abuse is so common and the school should be very used to hearing about it.

[Getusout]

Thank you!

[fizzylem]

If you dial 101 you can speak with an officer -BUT, it is so v important you get evidence and an officer from their domestic abuse team – see my recent post ‘floored, police didnt get it’. Alot of police are not familiar with coercive control and simply dont recognise abuse as its only recently being recognised in court; so these ignoramouses are only concerned with violence and or rape claims x

[Getusout]

Thank you x

[mojo]

Hello Getusout, I have literally just posted a bit on this thread under ‘where can I live’ mentioning that I have just spoken to the police and done a video statement.

Picking up on what Fizzylem says I was lucky to talk to the DA officers although the person who will be handling my case ongoing is not a DA PC – I just think I got lucky with her as she could easily have just told me that no crime had been committed as far as she could see and sent me on my way (as she readily admitted she has not used CC law and has little knowledge of it). Luckily she talked to me at length, immediately said the behaviour I have been subjected to was unacceptable and then her senior officer suggested she refer me to the DA police to do a video statement.

So, are now undertaking an investigation for coercive control. I didn’t intend to get the police involved and do a statement as I thought they might just say it was relatively trivial. However my referral to them came after the relate counsellor I saw asked them to flag my address for domestic abuse. I didn’t self refer. So maybe going to relate to talk to someone and asking if they can enquire about a marker on your address is a good start? I had no idea Relate could do this.

The police then contacted me to ask me more about it. I initially then spoke to a local PC who happened to be female – she too didn’t understand the coercive control law as she has never used it before but her senior officer suggested she refer me to the local CID domestic abuse police to do the video statement. (detail removed by moderator) and although they themselves had not used the CC law either (emerging theme here) they said that it was clear that he was very abusive and that his behaviour was unacceptable and just not normal. They suggested that as the CC law is ‘new’ that it is hard to get a conviction because the CPS will not support it…they were keen to manage my expectations on this. They really felt it would probably not get past the CPS because he had not hit me…which rather makes a mockery of the CC law and makes you wonder why we have it if this is the case.

Nonetheless the statement and all of the other evidence in my case including a diary of incidents with dates, times and places (v important you note these), a copy of an email from one of his relatives that witnessed him losing it with our child, names of friends who can comment, financial history (requested from my bank for my sole and joint account details but they can’t get his sole account details sadly), GP history, school history for child and social worker input (they have been involved when he was reported by me over concerns via health visitor) is going to a more senior police officer to be assessed to see if they think the CPS will agree to take it on. Unfortunately I do not have any texts or emails from him as he is too clever for that but you might have – keep them – upload them to the cloud. If you have any pictures of damage he’s done keep them too.

I have also been told that I must now contact the police wither on 999 or 101 to report him for incidents going forwards as this builds your evidence.

I am also going to try and get a secret audio recording of him next time he goes off if I can do so safely…this could be tomorrow, next month or next year as he is on his ‘honey moon ‘ phase since the last incident the that galvanised me. But this would give an idea about how utterly frightening and threatening the behaviour is.

I do now have two incidents that conform to the what the CC law says you need to get them to look at CC. The Rights of Women web pages say:

‘Your abuser will be guilty of the offence of coercive control if
he is personally connected to you, and
his behaviour has had a serious effect on you, and
your abuser knew or ought to have known that his behaviour would have a serious effect on you.’

The actual law states:

‘If it causes fear, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used against them or
If it causes serious alarm or distress which has a substantial adverse effect on their day-to-day activities’

So these are the things you will need to be aware of and highlight as it seems to me that he police may not be aware of these in any detail. I talked about being frightened of the prospect of being attacked. I also talked about having to change my behaviour; so having to change how I speak (tone of voice, words I use, phrases, timing of what I say, emphasis of what I say etc) and behave to try and ‘manage’ things so as to not ‘upset’ him – that in fact I have to do a mental risk assessment every time I open my mouth to speak to him (or if I talk to someone else and he is listening) or do something (visit a friend for example).

Please read ‘Why odes he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft – if you have a password protected Kindle you can hide it on there. I got a paper copy, thought I would underline the odd paragraph…ended up with more underlined that not in many chapters. It really helps you understand what they are doing and why and therefore helps you articulate what has happened to you and the impact it is having.

Working with the police has so far left me feeling that whilst they did totally agree that he is abusive and stated that they absolutely believed me, that they don’t fundamentally get it. They kept focussing on incidents and I kept talking about ‘ongoing patterns of behaviour’ in my statement as well as the two incidents that that the CC law requires. They did emphasise the inequality in the relationship so they did get that. Abusers rely upon or create inequality to exploit and dominate so emphasising this is helpful as it is at the core of abuse.

I will keep posting as things develop with the police. At the moment I am just hoping that the more senior officer has more training and insight on the CC law. The whole point is that it should not get to them hitting you to get a conviction! Also keep an eye open for progress on the new Domestic Abuse bill – it’s only at draft stage but I am watching it progress as it could also be helpful going forwards once it becomes law (assuming it gets there after the outgoing PM leaves).

On another note the DA police said that now I have a statement I can keep adding evidence to it so call 999 or if its something lower level 101 speak to one of them and get it added as more evidence.

I have to say my experience makes me wish I had managed to get to the police sooner, although I have been lucky with who I have been interviewed by. But the weight of their evidence in the family court will likely be very helpful going forward even if they do not get a criminal conviction. They totally agree he is very abusive even if they do decide he has not met the criteria for a criminal prosecution and therefore don’t send it on to the CPS (who could also decide there is no reasonable prospect of a prosecution).

But as one of the PC’s said to me there is abusive behaviour and there is criminally abusive behaviour – both are abuse but only one gets a criminal conviction. Please bear in mind that the family court uses a lower level test of ‘the balance of probabilities’ this makes it easier for them to act to protect the vulnerable whereas the criminal court that the police take cases to uses ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ this requires a higher burden of evidence so it’s harder to get to a conviction. We may therefore both find that the family court is more helpful although you will still really benefit from having a police statement and other evidence lodged with them so I would advise going to them, perhaps trying the relate route that I inadvertently stumbled on?

If anything else comes to mind I’ll post along with new developments.

Stay strong x

[Getusout]

I’m so sorry to read all this. But thank you for your reply.
I actually said to my mother last week that “in some ways I wish it was physical”
I’m “lucky” in that there was a physical incident.
Just once though and it didn’t occur in the UK.. So they both count against me.

I’ve also got 2 other problems.
1. I called the police to ask about their procedure for reporting DV. I didn’t report it however. They ended up on my doorstep, after He opened the door, telling him I’d reported him.. (I mean, FFS) They even refused to take the hint when I came to the door with desperate wild eyes saying “I don’t know what this is about”… Anyway. He then went to the police (I think to find out what I’d said but also possibly to cover his a*s by saying that I’m abusive and hit HIM..) AND then when I dropped my daughter off at nursery there was an officer waiting for me..

2. I can either get my “justice” by taking pot luck with the “new law” (!) or I can try get some “support” from him via family law. I can’t do both. And I’m desperately worried that the police aren’t lawyers and that He (who is also a lawyer in addition to a very nasty piece of work) will find a way of getting me sanctioned (he likes telling everyone I’m a stupid crazy b***h) or my daughter taken away from me..

So here I am.. I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. I can barely operate. I see no way out of this mess.

[Mommabear]

I am so sorry to read this getusout. I’m in a similar position to you and have done a lot of reading about this topic. Sadly these men use whatever they can to make us feel like we are going crazy.

Is there an option to just leave, break free and start a new life?

I too cannot eat, sleep or function properly, such is the effect this has had on me. Sadly, I don’t think I have the fight in me to make a case for coercive control, I just want out.

Have you spoken to a solicitor? Women’s aid?

I just want someone to come and take all of this pain away from me and for me and my children to be happy again

Lots of love Mummabear x*x

[Getusout]

I’m afraid that whilst in theory I could move back to my home country, I’ve been told I have very minimal chances of success and it will cost me at least (!) £100k in court fees to try.

I see no way to break free – even with the above relocation scenario. As the courts are concerned with keeping the father’s happy and not the children safe. (&frankly no one seems to care about the mothers!)

Any ideas, please let me know!!!
Sorry you’re going through it too x

[Author]

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