Unravelling

[Knots]

I thought I was getting a plan together to leave, there was hope for the future and someone to help, but I can’t hold things together. It started with small panics about things that I thought wouldn’t work,but I am now moving into full blown self loathing. I am picking up on things that are wrong with me and obsessing over them, feeling like no one could care about me in the future because of these faults.
I am sabotaging parts of my life that exist outside of my marriage that could give me support and stability and feel like I want to retreat into what may be a miserable marriage, but familiar and constant.
I’m struggling getting up in the morning for work. My job is demanding and I can’t cope. The house is a mess and I look a mess too, I slept in my clothes last night, couldn’t even manage to undress. I go from feeling either panicked to totally defeated. I want to just sit and cry all day.

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Oh Knots, am sending you a big hug and lots of strength.
I haven’t much advice as such but have you spoken to your gp about depression and anxiety? Both of which are very common among women who are or have been in abusive relationships and usually encompass things like not being able to take care of your personal hygeine, worrying excessively, self-sabotage of relationships and things around you.
I know you don’t feel it but you get up everyday and you carry on, despite everything feeling so bad, and that’s the strongest thing in the world Knots. xx

[Knots]

Thank you Phoenix . I am trying to pull myself together and made an appointment to see my GP. I can’t believe that after all these years of coping with the abuse and following strategies for survival,and now at the stage where I feel I was challenging the abuse and have no feelings for him, it is now that I am falling apart. I am so worried this will stop me from being able to leave.

[Lyng]

I don’t know how it went for others, but the month before it was over for good really was the worst. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of panic. I plotted my final escape for nearly two years. I kept thinking if something changed I could always back out. It won’t be easy and the separation is the most dangerous and volatile time. As stated in other posts, use all the resources you can to help you make that final break.

[Knots]

Hi lying, thank you for your reply. It seems to express what is happening to me. It is helpful to know it may be part of the leaving process. I feel so horribly anxious all the time and am channelling this in the wrong direction, can’t eat, or focus on basic tasks. All my energy is going on hiding how awful I feel, and I don’t think I’m doing a good job. Thank God for this forum.
I nearly got out a few months ago, I hope it’ll be soon, you have given me hope, thank you. X*x

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