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    • #135037
      crossword
      Participant

      Hi all, this is my first post here, hope it’s okay

      I’ve been in a relationship with a man for (detail removed by Moderator) years. We aren’t married, but we have lived together and shared some finances and currently live (detail removed by Moderator) in the same neighborhood. The relationship started when he moved to my area, and we became good friends but he always made it clear he wanted more. It got to the point where he was telling me if we don’t begin to date, he’ll cut himself out of my life. I have little to no contact with my family (history of abuse) and only a few friends that I trust, so I felt like I didn’t have a choice. He had apparently already been calling my his girlfriend to his family long before I ever gave in.

      He knew no one in the area when he moved and I introduced him to my friends. Over the next while he met some other people and we had two separate groups. I had to leave and stay with (detail removed by Moderator) to take care of their health. I asked him to please respect my space with my friends while I was gone, that I loved that they got along but to please make sure that he had other people he could reach out to, that i needed a separate support group. He said he would never cross that boundary… then (detail removed by Moderator) later called me to say he actually had only been spending time with my friends and that we needed to break up. i asked him to stop being around them if that’s how he felt and I would have to reach out to them about what was going on and he said that I was too far away to do anything. he also was cheating on me.

      I tried to move on while I was gone, found some people I really loved and stayed with them. I did have to return to where I had been living eventually though. He then demanded a relationship with me again and while I held firm that we couldn’t date and needed to be friends, he again said that we could never be friends if we weren’t together. He then made friends with my new group and I again was scared to reach out. 

      In this part of our relationship, we did everything together. He would be the only one to text our friends and go hang out with them, not telling me they had reached out and then when I found out and asked him to come home or come get me he would come home drunk and yelling that I was too clingy, that he needed space. During this time I also began to tell him I needed him to be nicer to me and this would cause huge fights that ended in me apologising for being upset. It got to the point where when I asked him why he would just speak to me how I needed, he said he already did too much for me.

      He also controlled finances, I was the only one with a job and he held a judge that one month he paid more in rent than I did (he didn’t have a job and his parents paid his rent). We did the math at the end, and I had paid him back (detail removed by Moderator) times over. My birthday passed, a significant one, and he made me pay for both of our dinners. I asked him why he wouldn’t take me on dates, instead using the days that I had off to play games (again, he didn’t work and was home all day everyday). Again, he said that he wouldn’t because he already did too much for me.

      He has repeatedly told me that my boundaries didn’t matter (exact words), that they were impositions on his life, that he does too much, that my health is too much (I’m disabled and he would call me lazy). He’s made me scared to go to my friends and I ultimately feel really used

      Recently, after we separated again, he began to block me on everything after I told him if he continued to be aggressive I would have to take action. We live in the same area and have all the same friends now, and he is free to walk around the area while I am scared to go outside and run into him. I’m a student at uni, and he has blocked me on everything except for platforms that I use for school, which has prevented me from doing my schoolwork and will reach out at times when I’ve told him he can’t contact me because I’m in class or at work and then block me again. I have no control over when I see him and I’m terribly anxious and when I do see him/hear from him I get sent into panic attacks. I’ve reached out to friends who have told me they couldn’t help because they didn’t want to get in the middle of us, being friends with him and all.

      I’m not sure if this is abusive just because i know I can be reactive, I dealt with childhood abuse as did he and there have been times in the past I haven’t been proud of how I spoke to him and lost my temper quickly. I feel the difference is when he’s told me that he feels hurt by actions I change them, while when I do the same he fights and tells me I’m wrong for feeling that way.

      I’m not sure what to do or what to call what’s happening, but I do know it’s affecting my health greatly.

    • #135039
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Well done for posting here. Sometimes takes a while to get replies so bear that in mind.

      Title of this thread is unsure how to feel.

      My response to that is you feel what you feel and if you can start naming that as best you can.
      Google ‘the feelings wheel’ if you can’t find the right word.

      To me it sounds like fear, anger, disappointment, hurt, self-doubt, loneliness.

      It reminds me of a relationship I had a few years after leaving my ex.
      I don’t think I could operate in that relationship really, not normally, but it was a significant thing for me to experience physicality again, after the utter coldness of my ex husband. So in that way a part of it as healing.

      But towards the end I felt coerced and quite frankly sometimes just bad.

      What strikes me as similar is that person I’m talking about was very good at seeing things in black and white. In extremes. He said he loved me, and I thought he was interested in my welfare but in actual fact when I wanted to end the relationship and stay friends he said it was all or nothing. Does that ring any bells?

      The other similarity might be our vulnerabilities. I arrived here after leaving refuge and was very guarded actually – in getting to know people – he was never unfaithful but went through periods of blanking me, like he had a fear of abandonment. These times were very painful indeed.

      I also kind of experienced the trauma bonding but have successfully said goodbye to that relationship. And I’m glad and relieved.

      I’m not sure I like the term codependent as it has been so commercilised but it is worth thinking about perhaps in your case.

      You also say he was unfaithful and kind of took over your friendship group. This can be very isolating and it is a red flat in my book as far as abuse is concerned.

      I think in your place I would work really hard at my boundaries. Your studies are important to you.

      He has no right at all to coerce you into anything.

      You have already identified many elements of what a non abusive relationship should look like.
      It it reasonable for someone to pay their way etc. Ok. with covid it is tough times on the jobs front perhaps but means can be found if someone is caring enough.

      You have done really well distancing yourself from him.

      This kind of treatment does affect your mental health, it really does. Hope someone else will be along to offer alternative views.

    • #135040
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      red flag i mean

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