• This topic has 10 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks ago by Anonymous.
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    • #144960
      Shesellsseashells
      Participant

      Hello All <3
      Thank you all for sharing your experiences, I am new to the forum & have spent some time reading others posts trying to work out if i belong here, this is my first post, please excuse the rambling!
      I am wondering if my ex was abusive or whether we were incompatible & I was weak. I have been receiving counselling for the last (detail removed by Moderator) dealing with historical child sexual & emotional abuse by family members. As time has gone on my relationship with my ex’s behaviour has come up in our sessions & I have always said ‘thats water under the bridge” or ‘its the way he is” but over Easter I watched a program on tv & it really triggered a lot of anxiety in me, I couldn’t sleep for days after watching it. Realising that how this man treated his wife was exactly how my ex treated me. Part of me was blaming the husband & the other part was blaming the wife, I really connected with her. (detail removed by Moderator) ago, when I met my ex I was (detail removed by Moderator) years old, I was in a relationship, owned half a house, in a good job with a bright future & had lots of friends. (detail removed by Moderator) later I had attempted suicide, was a homeless, single mother with no job living on benefits & the only friends i had were his too, I could (detail removed by Moderator) due to some unknown condition (detail removed by Moderator). I’m fine now, just the odd twinge due to old age! My ex cheated on me throughout our relationship, including when (detail removed by Moderator), he eventually left me (detail removed by Moderator). It’s only recently that I realised that that was the kindest thing he ever did for me, I would surely still be with him had he not. Whenever I’d left him in the past he’d pursued me & I always went back, he would say (detail removed by Moderator) but then he’d tell me how much he loved me, (detail removed by Moderator) he could talk me into anything, he wasn’t the most honest of men & I’d seen him lie to many people in the past but for some reason i always believed him, it was scary without him, my whole life was him. I had no contact with my family because of the abuse. He was never violent, never openly insulted me, and that makes it all the harder to get my head around. I feel like he ground me down but I let him, I wasn’t a child I have to take some responsibility, so that doesn’t make it abusive does it? It makes me weak. I’m ashamed at how i let it happen, He controlled everything, money, where we lived, where we holidayed, who we socialised with, even us having a child, I remember him saying (detail removed by Moderator) I can still remember thinking he’ll never leave me if we have a child. What an idiot. When he left he controlled when he paid me child support, if I had been difficult, say something like, (detail removed by Moderator) he would make me wait for the money, he never didn’t pay, he would just make me wait. I always felt unreasonable if I didn’t agree to his requests, like i was being over emotional, he always had our daughter at (detail removed by Moderator) he would say, & I would agree, he would come by whenever he & his partner had arguments, sometimes I’m ashamed to say we would sleep together. I’m so stirred up, so confused. I’ve gone through so many emotions, my head is spinning. I’m with someone else now, I have been for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) & we are happy despite our us & downs, he has been incredibly supportive but for a long time, when we were first together I’m ashamed to say, I was waiting for my ex to come back, I still get anxious when his name is mentioned. We don’t have contact anymore, we haven’t for a long time but (detail removed by Moderator) soon, he will be there, how am i going to cope? I need to get control of this situation any advice would be so gratefully appreciated.
      Thank you <3

    • #144972
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi Shesellsseashells,

      Of course you should be here, from what you have described you have had an abusive relationship in the past and it is still affecting you in the present. As you have now experienced, we can live for years just accepting that something happened in our lives without ever realising the enormous impact of it, then suddenly we can have an awareness of what happened and BOOM!, it opens up a whole load of emotions.

      Abuse comes in all sort of ways. When there is a power imbalance in a relationship that in itself can lead to abuse. When you have someone who is confident and assertive with someone who may be shy and unassertive this can lead to a power imbalance where the assertive person then takes charge and control ALL of the time, leading to a power imbalance. Giving in to someone all of the time is not about weakness, it’s often about going with the flow for an easier life and limit confrontation and being challenged. Sometimes people who are not compatible can lead to a power imbalance.

      I see a lot of advice around at the moment where victims of domestic abuse are advised to report the abuse to the police. I feel that this gives the message that ALL domestic abuse is therefore a crime that the police can deal with. This may confuse some ladies about the state of their relationship because they don’t see their situations warrant involving the police so therefore, it can’t be classified as abuse. My personal view is that domestic abuse can indeed be present in a relationship but not amount to a crime that the police can deal with in any way.

      If you are with someone who constantly cheats on you but is not prepared to leave you then this is emotionally abusive, will destroy your self confidence and self esteem and make you feel awful. However, the police do not investigate or prosecute infidelity.

      If you are with someone who ignores you for days on end and doesn’t speak to you, or are with someone who goes out for days at a time and doesn’t return your calls, comes home when they feel like it and won’t give you any explanation for their absence, this is emotionally and psychologically abusive but not something the police can investigate or prosecute for. They can’t deal with someone who refuses to talk to someone or who refuses to contact someone.

      If you are with someone who speaks to you in a raised voice, patronising tone, and insults you and your capabilities, this is abusive because it knocks you confidence and self esteem, it reduces you to a nervous wreck and you start to doubt yourself, but the police can’t prosecute for this as a stand alone incident. This type of behaviour would have to be part of a conduct of controlling and coercive behaviour, which in itself, is an offence, but has to have other contributory factors.

      From what you have written, you were in an abusive relationship with your former partner and now is the time to acknowledge that and accept it. The young woman you were back then is a different woman to who you are now. She probably had no knowledge of domestic abuse back then and was unable to identify the behaviours as you can now. There was nothing weak about you then or now.

      In order to cope with the upcoming (detail removed by Moderator), find strength in the discovery that you can now identify and label your past and in your own mind hold him accountable for his behaviour. Take comfort in the fact that your current partner is supportive, perhaps talk to him about what you have learned and how it has made you feel, ask for his support. At the (detail removed by Moderator), stand proud of the woman that you are today. A woman that has been in a loving relationship for a long time, a woman who has overcome her past difficulties and is now stronger and healthier. You have no reason to speak to your ex partner at the (detail removed by Moderator). You can ask your daughter to respect this (detail removed by Moderator).

      Sometimes, the best way we can show our ex partners that they no longer have any power over our lives is to totally blank them and refuse to acknowledge them. That is not selfish, it is self care.

      xx

      • #145113
        Hazydayz
        Participant

        Absolutely spot on wantstohelp. Well said!💞

    • #145013
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Shesellsseashells

      You’ve had a shock from what you’ve said, with this sudden realisation hitting you as it has from identifying with the woman on tv. You’ve suffered the same, and different abuses also.

      Please know though, the shame does not belong to you. If I were to say that there are many women who are happy that their partner takes control of the budgeting, the holidays, and so on, but it should never get to the point that they can’t have any say in it when, or if they want to. If you ‘weren’t allowed’ to be involved in holiday plans thats a whole different matter and abusive, as he’s dictating to you what you do and not listening to you, thats his blame and his shame. You will find with abusers that its not you ‘letting them’, its them not ‘letting you’. Do you see? These were his actions and your life diminished rapidly as a result. You have no shame, his crime is coercive control through a persistent pattern of actions against you which harmed you financially, psychologically and emotionally, and socially too.

      Going back to your original question, yes, absolutely, you have every right to be here and to speak here and have support here. It takes a lot to start to speak about your experiences, and it can often be something like your experience to trigger your realisations, the tv show you saw, I mean.

      Keep talking and look after yourself through this as you figure out whats been going on for you, but please leave the shame and blame firmly where it belongs if you can.

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #145016
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Shesellsseashells,he’s controlled manipulated broken your trust and emotionally abused you (he’s also sexually taken advantage too) you identified with the lady on tv because you saw a connection between hers and yours experiences (given your upbringing) it’s not surprising an abuser has predatorily got into your life (our upbringing can leave us open to these types) though it can happen to anyone, your waiting for him was probably the trauma bond we end up with due to them and if it’s an on/off thing sometimes we are waiting but it’s also cos we’re vulnerable.Im glad your out and away from him and there is someone much kinder in your life, maybe google manipulation tactics to be aware see if they resonate with what he did cos abusers are complete and total manipulators it’s how they operate through life on a daily basis, but as your becoming aware your eyes can now be open to his scheming and calculating ways, 💖🤗💖

    • #145108
      Shesellsseashells
      Participant

      Thank you all, I really appreciate your responses & the support.
      I never thought about him betraying my trust before Auriel, isn’t that mad? It’s so blindingly obvious. When I think about it it hurts so much, I think because he blamed me or my shortcomings for the affairs I just blamed myself too. I wasn’t enough so of course he would look elsewhere, who could blame him. I thought I was the only person who really got him & that’s why he kept coming back. One time we’d been separated for a couple of months & I was really getting myself together I didn’t want to go back to him but he just didn’t give up. I remember feeling so sad when I moved back in I don’t think I really wanted to but I still did it, it was as if I had no choice. I got pregnant not long after, despite him continuing to have an affair, I never left again, the next time we separated it was his decision.
      I was on my own with my daughter for so many years after he left, just waiting for him, comparing every man to him, all falling short. When he married it broke my heart I really thought he would be back. I tried to be friends just to keep him in my life. Not seeing him at all is the only way I can cope. I feel it’s a bit like an addiction. For a while now my counsellor has been recommending I read ‘Women who Love too much’ Has anyone read it? Or are there any other books you’d suggest.

      Thank you all again

      <3

      • #145112
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        I’ve not read that book, it’s been recommended to me but I’ve been more interested in watching Melanie Tonia Evans and Kim saeed, I learned about my abusers after the freedom programme (that’s how I found out how wrong and disturbed my upbringing and relationships were) I googled mostly to find out looking into dark triad personalities sociopaths and things, I didn’t wanna read that book cos I know deep down what I felt wasn’t love (it was dark twisted vulnerable scary dependant feelings) plus how I was treated wasn’t love either I was just being drained and used for others to see and look better about themselves by association, abusers are parasites and predators who blame shift/project and believe they’re better than everyone else and entitled to do as they please, it’s not your fault don’t blame yourself for being human and having feelings (it’s how we differ from these types) pride yourself on that.💖💕💖

      • #145215
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        Hi…you can never be blamed for him abusing you. You need to prioritise yourself, your self-care, your feelings, your wants and needs.

        Abuse is very complex, and though there are many trending books out there, a counsellor teling you to read a book that is blaming women for ‘loving too much’ is horrific. I was once told I was ‘too nice’; so if people take advantage that would somehow be my fault? No. Its the abusers’, exploiters’, and conmens’ fault. The blame lies with them, and the best reading you can do is to read such books as ‘the dominator’ (Pat Craven), where the tactics of abuse are revealed to you, and in common with what so many of us have suffered, also ‘why does he do that’ (Lundy Bancroft).

        Whatever ‘work’ you feel you may have to do on yourself, for now it is more than enough to focus on just understanding the abuse and its horrific effects on you, not trying to understand him, or whether he falls into some psychological profiling which you could not successfully do without significant training/qualifications.

        By simply focussing on the abusive tactics, the rest will fall into place, and your poor brain will suffer less exhaustion!

        You are not to blame, the blame and shame is entirely his for treating you this way. Its shocking that so many so-called professionals still do not understand the complexity of abuse with all their training they still don’t understand the dynamic that makes women feel trapped in the abuse, unable to leave. Its a very patriarchal view of things that the perp not be held to account, but instead, the woman, the victim.

        A woman should not be held to account for his abuses any more than a child should be, they sit in the same position of victim together underneath the dominator and are often treated worse, this is why women being held to account by SS is so wrong, they are being abused and need help to hold the perp to account.

        warmest wishes

        ts

    • #145114
      Hazydayz
      Participant

      Hi, I feel for you I really do! And I’m 100 percent behind your acceptance of all you have survived! and I’m right behind the lovelies here that replied with all their support for you too. You do belong here! 💞

      • #145178
        Shesellsseashells
        Participant

        Hi Auriel
        Thank you for your reply. I’ve looked into Melanie Tonia Evans.
        Thank you

        <3

      • #145239
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Your welcome s.s.s.s what we here for
        💖💞💖

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