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    • #57540
      Whendoesitend
      Participant

      UPDATE!

      So after asking for some space REPEATEDLY he still didn’t give it to me. Texts,phone calls, phone calls to my friends etc.
      He messaged me to say that he was going to go and stay at a friends house so that he wouldn’t have to be around his ex at his mothers house.
      I was out with friends for the day and he messaged again saying that I should know the answer to if I want to continue the relationship or not already as we have been together for so long and that he was in so much pain and suffering with me needing this space to think. And saying “please just give me an answer” and that he was struggling so much and that he’s learnt from his mistakes and he promised to do right by me Nd that me better etc etc. Then he ended his message by saying that if he didn’t hear from me that he would assume the worst.
      I didn’t reply. I mean I had asked for space to think about things and he didn’t allow me to have that space. Plus I didn’t really know what to say to him anyway.
      So, the following day he text me again and ended the relationship. He said couldnt carry on like this and that it breaks his heart to think that we are not together any more and that he couldn’t cope with all the pain and suffering. But that he loves me very much and that he hopes one day we will end up back together.
      I felt slight relief that he had said it, and that I didn’t have to make that decision any more and then torment myself for a long time afterwards wondering if I’d done the right thing etc. Obviously upset too but strangely calm. No tears as of yet. Almost numb.
      It was about an hour later I started gettin* missed calls from him and texts saying that he didn’t want to end the relationship but that I had “made it pretty clear” h not replying to his earlier message that that is what I wanted. Again telling me how much he loves me etc . I didn’t reply.
      Then more messages saying he didn’t want to lose me and that he promises he will change and please please would I give it another go. Let’s start a fresh etc. THEN a message saying that he was not breaking up with me and that he couldn’t bring himself to see it through and that he could not let me go. And that what he was going to do was leave me to have my space and make up my own mind what I wanted to do. And that he would be waiting for me.
      During all of these there were a lot of missed calls to me and also my friends phone. Again I didn’t reply.
      Then the next morning more messages of promises etc. I told him no. That he had said that it was over and that he shouldn’t have said something like that if he didn’t mean it. He called me again and started on again with the promises and that he had made a mistake by saying that it was over. But that it didn’t seem a big problem to me and that I “wasn’t bothered or upset” and that I’m “living the life of Reilly”. I responded to this by telling him not to EVER say I’m not bothered. And that he doesn’t get to say that after him not seeming bothered at all for so long! Again more phone calls and texts.i asked him why he suddenly seems bothered now,when during the relationship my feelings were repeatedly disregarded. He said that he hadn’t realised how much he loved me or how much it would affect him until now!! 😱
      He then proceeded to suggest “going on a break” rather than completely splitting up. I told him that it was unfair of him to keep changing his mind all the time and that I didn’t like it and wasn’t prepared to put up with it any more. More phone calls and texts throughout the day. He also added all of the people who added me on facebook over the weekend which I thought was odd. Then he turned up at my workplace demanding that I made a decision!! That he needed to know where he stood and that he wanted to know where he stood?!?!
      Again I repeated to him that he had already made a decision. He stayed and talked in circles for an hour! I left feeling really sad and unsettled by this. But he has agreed it’s over and said he won’t bother me any more. I felt awful. He was visibly upset. He then went on to say that if I was ever ill to please let him know and he wo7ld be straight there. I was gobsmacked by this as when I had the suspected heart attack he was at the pub with his friends!! He said some really nice things and it unnerved me slightly.
      Sorry for the rant again. Just needed to get it all out.
      Really unsure how I feel at the moment. Strangely calm. With pangs of sadness.

    • #57829
      runner
      Participant

      Hoovering say whatever is nice to pull you in again. Go back and he will repeat the same actions again

    • #58260
      Velveteenbun
      Participant

      First of all you have made the right choice. I can relate to a lot of this when I broke up with my ex he was the same accusing me of living the life of Reilly and not being bothered or upset. There are a lot of red flags in what you have said he has said, he says he didn’t know how it would affect him, he’s bothered about himself, not letting you go is another one, you don’t belong to him and yet this phrase would suggest he thinks you do.
      He is just trying every tactic under the sun to get you back, he’s given you an ultimatum that didn’t work, he ended it to try and get the reaction he wanted and it didn’t work so now he’s trying begging and promising this is literally how they do it. Please don’t doubt yourself this is text book abusive behaviour and he won’t change they are incapable of changing.

    • #58281
      cloudyday
      Participant

      This is exactly the behaviour that the person I am still with does. When I try to end the relationship he will bombard me with calls, abusive messages to get a reaction. When i dont react he then continues to bombard me with calls and turns up at my house threatening to kill himself, and turning from being really vile and nasty and aggressive to being really upset and then going back to the nastiness and round and round. He has hoovered me back in so many times by getting me to feel sorry for him and that I am the bad one and that he really has a c**p life and all he wants is to be loved. It is really crazy making. He plays the victim but once Im hoovered back in the emotional abuse starts again. One of the most vile things he does when he turns up at my house is to demand to see my phone so that he can delete all his vile abusive messages. He makes me show him that it is all deleted. Then he checks that I havent screen shot the messages and saved them in my photos or notes. While he does this he goes through all the messages from my kids and family and friends, looks at all my photos, checks my whatsapp and all the recent calls. He literally demands to go through everything. Even thinking of it as I type this makes me feel absolutely sick. While he is doing it I feel absolutely violated that he is going through things that are very personal to me from my children especially and at that moment I truly hate him.

    • #59212
      Missnobody
      Participant

      Everything I have read above is basically my life! I joined the site about a year ago but haven’t posted for around 6 months…maybe because I’m embarrassed that I’m still here putting up with his abuse. The thing is now, I’m angry. Angry because I am going to have to be the one to leave when I have the better job and I pay 90% of the bills. He’ll stay here and keep the home I’ve built while I struggle to find childcare and a new house for me and my children. It’s been a bad day today. I recently got the contraceptive implant (due to bad hormonal headaches) and he says it’s because I’m having an affair. I booked a hair appointment for the first time in years and guess what? It’s cos I’m having an affair. He called me a w***e and hid my phone and car keys. Oh and I now have a lovely new hole in my bathroom door.

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