Using his ex against me even now?

[Beenherebefore]

Hi Ladies

I hope you are all safe and well. So as I have said before, I happen to still be working with my ex (not for want of applying to other jobs!). I was feeling quite on top of everything and positive until I just faced him, his ex and their child all at our place of work. He made a loud comment to get my attention so they both knew I saw them. This woman he used to use against me (they had a child together and a considerably longer relationship than ours) so many nights, if we had argued, he would leave and go to her obviously driving me mad with feelings of inadequacy, sadness and jealousy and often following a argument in which he made me out to be a sl*t or a terrible partner etc etc. He sometimes threatened to stay at his exes when we were together and I believe he may have been sleeping with her. He would use her on a daily basis to make me feel like they had something between them still. Sometimes he would even use it as a threat until I would beg him not too.
Deep down, I am pretty sure that she was probably treated badly by him too over a number of years but seeing them all today, all smiles and happiness has just really got under my skin. Has he got back to her? Was it all really my fault? Was I the one that made him that way? Am I missing out? I literally hate myself for thinking like this but I cant talk to anyone else about it. Any words would be greatly appreciated. x x x

[White Rose]

First of all you must be one of the strongest women on here to be constantly in contact with your ex and repeat that day after day.
Today was hard it probably brought back all sorts of memories and seeing his “family” must have been difficult. But would you really want to swap places with her? Would you go back to being treated like that? I doubt it.
You didn’t cause him to treat you as he did. It doesn’t really matter how he treats her (though you are human and kind and am sure you wonder about it!) What is important is you are ok. And you’ll continue to be ok.
Try to put the feelings the experience and him out of your mind and enjoy your weekend. xx

[SunshineRainflower]

This is a classic abuser tactic and is called Triangulation – they use other women to make you jealous and to trigger the exact feelings you are experiencing now. It creates a supply and demand feeling where you wonder if you’ve made a mistake/feel jealous/want to get back with him. It’s designed to do exactly that – so you get back into his harem and he can control you again! Don’t fall for it!

However, don’t give yourself a hard time for falling for it either, these men are master manipulators and know exactly what to do and say to get us to question and doubt ourselves. The thing I’ve struggled with most since leaving my ex was delayed onset jealousy once I realised he had been cheating and involved with others. The pain is terrible but it’s getting less each day with no contact thank goodness.

This woman may be temporarily in denial again about him (he’s probably been love bombing her since you went to soften her up again, but as we all know these men are abusive with everyone, it’s a pattern they repeat in every relationship). Be under no illusion that he will treat her well and be faithful because he won’t.

I think definitely prioritise getting a new job asap if you can so that you don’t have to deal with this anymore, and in the mean time use the grey rock method where you don’t react to him and his ex and if possible avoid them at all costs so that they are not able to upset you and get into your head.

[Beenherebefore]

Hi ladies

White Rose- thank you so much for your supportive words and empathy. You are right when you say ‘you are ok. And you’ll continue to be ok’. I know that I will as long as I am not in that terrible relationship but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else too. Your message really struck a chord and helped me remember that, thank you. Also, thank you for saying I was strong. No one has ever described me as strong before but I sit on this forum and think how strong everyone on here is to not only put up with what they have, but also then for many too, have courage and bravery to leave and continue every day to function/ be great women etc. Thank you White Rose. x x

SunshineRainFlower- Thank you for the advice. It really helps me to give abusers tactics a label (such as Triangulation) which is one I had never heard of before but it makes sense. These phrases often make me feel like it is more scientific (if you get what I mean) and not me just going loopy! Well done for overcoming your delayed onset jealousy- I hear that one! That has been very hard for me, working with him as when he is in one of his ‘charming’ moods I often cant focus on work for the rest of the day as my thoughts are scrambled and distorted. Sounds like you are getting there, keep going 🙂 I have also never heard of the gray rock method and have now done some research on it and it sounds like just what I need to keep me going until I can change jobs so thank you also for that. xx

Thank you again and hope you ladies have a good week x x

[Author]

Posts