Using our daughter as a weapon

[Harriet123]

I’ve been gone for (detail removed by moderator) and my ex is still vile to me – one positive from it is that it reminds me that I was right about leaving in the first place! He’s also already got a new girlfriend.

He tells me I don’t do enough with out daughter, (detail removed by moderator). Even though I know it’s not true, it’s still hurts to hear someone making me out to be a bad mum when that’s what he constantly told me throughout our relationship.

He says we should ask her what she wants to do as if he thinks she’s going to say she wants to be with him all the time etc. he tells me that all of her friends are near him (I’ve moved in with my parents so we are a bit further away from each other) (detail removed by moderator) hold her away from them. (Detail removed by moderator) he tells me (detail removed by moderator)  it’s my fault that I left. And soooo much more to use her against me and is the most difficult person when trying to arrange times of collections etc.
I wish I could say more but don’t think I can on this.

I have always put our daughter first from the moment I found out I was pregnant! He can’t say the same thing and still can’t because it’s always about him but he just tries to use her and say (detail removed by moderator).

I’m so fed up of feeling like I have to justify myself and tell myself that I am a good mum.

(Detail removed by moderator) But I get such bad anxiety about his reaction to everything, I’m actually scared of him and I need to start realising that instead of trying to pretend that everything’s ok. I try to stand my ground but end up agreeing with him because it’s easier because everything is a game to him and he will always have to ‘win’ in his eyes. He sees it as a defeat and a loss if he agrees with me so will fight to the end.

I’m so scared that he will manipulate our daughter in so many ways and mess up her head by thinking she has to chose between us. Eventually he will also lose control over her and then that worries me because how will he react to her when those days come?!

Has anyone else dealt with ex partners trying to use their children against you and being nasty about everything when it’s comes to you being a mum?

I’m so sick and tired of it, even after all of these months he still has to try and control me. His parents do nothing even though his mum knows exactly what he’s like because she has dealt with him first hand. Why do I always have to be the one to deal with this and when is it going to end?!
I have spoken to the police recently but not made an official complaint about his abuse in the past and his harassment now (I get texs throughout the day until late at night and then really early in the morning) as I just wanted it on record incase anything goes further but now I’m wondering whether it would be best to make an official complaint because I can’t carry on like this. Someone needs to make it clear to him that what he’s doing isn’t ok and he will never listen to me.

[Lisa]

Hi Harriet123

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, we often hear how perpetrators continue the abuse and control through child contact. You really are a good mum and I understand that you are just trying to protect your daughter.

I agree that mediation would not work either, he is manipulative and would use this to get what he wants. You did the right thing by speaking to the Police, it sounds like a good idea to make an official complaint, as it’s not ok for him to continue to behave like this.

Take care, we are all here for you.

Lisa

[Author]

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