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    • #87977
      Getmylifeback
      Participant

      I’ve just been sat reading some posts and I’m really worried about some of my thoughts.

      Some people are saying they hate weekends as it’s the time they want him there etc and are always wondering what he’s doing.

      The problem is my husband who was verbally and mentally abusive, alcoholic and drug user and has bee through rehab but is so far as j know (detail removed by moderator) months clean… this is how he is, wanting to know what I’m doing and with whom etc. Whereas I don’t give a rats arse what he’s doing or with whom. I’m wishing he does find someone else quickly but I can’t ever imagine another relationship.

      He is angry that I show no remorse for leaving him when he was in rehab, he days I’m the lowest of the low and a coward. We’re fighting over settlement amount, he says I’m a thieving sk@nk as although we were married for nearly a decade and I was on good money he had the property before me so he says I’m not morally entitled.

      He’s offered me an amount to ‘walk away’ which is 10k less the I asked, but I’m now thinking cut my losses.

      But I feel no empathy towards him at all. He looks knackered and he’s lost weight. But I really don’t care and feel no remorse. I think there is something seriously wrong with me to feel nothing. I wouldn’t care if I never heard or saw from him again.

      I have a docs appt soon , asking to go on tablets for anxiety as I just can’t cut it on my own anymore and I’m going to ask about counselling too.

      But I am worried that I must also be n**********c to feel nothing towards him.

      Anyone? 😪

    • #87979
      diymum@1
      Participant

      no theres nothing wrong in this at all – this is how i feel now and im a good person too. this is time that brings us to this often a long duration off abuse makes us throw our hands in the air and finally say im done. dont get me wrong it took years to feel like this but it sounds like the trauma bonding has gone. were all different i was trauma bonded i feel for only a few weeks then when thnat passed i was traumatised and anxious but early on i was glad to be rid as well xx and i couldnt care what he did or who he was with xxxx your not n**********c your reacting without the trauma bond – if someone off the street treated us this way with this amount off problems we would tell them to p**s off x*x love diymum

    • #87982
      KIP.
      Participant

      I was numb to any emotions for quite some time. There isn’t one way for us all to feel. We work our way through at our own pace with lots of different emotions at different times. For me there was a time I felt guilty until I realised he lied about me and would destroy me at the drop of a hat. Grab absolutely everything you’re entitled to or you may regret it later. That money is for you and your children. He would quite happily keep the money and watch you and his children struggle. You wouldn’t be on this site if you were n**********c. It would never enter the mind of a n********t that they had ever done anything wrong. Don’t put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. Different moods, different times, different emotions x

      • #87988
        Getmylifeback
        Participant

        @DIY mum I think I webt through the trauma bonding when I was still there and reached the I’m done moment a long time ago but didn’t know how to get away. I’m now at that traumatised anxious stage for sure. He rang me at work one day accusing of me of hiding something on Facebook and when I came off the phone I felt like my while body was tingling and I was on edge. A friend at work messaged me later to check I was ok as she was worried how is gone from having laugh at work to being quiet and withdrawn after talking to him.

        The money thing is my biggest worry. I’ve rented a lovely house, he is giving me enough to pay half childcare and 100 quid left towards kids stuff.

    • #87985
      HunkyDory
      Participant

      Hi, I could have written this almost word for word! I have very brief moments of missing him but mostly I’m numb as well. I wish he would get someone else, maybe he has, always did have, I really don’t care. I feel nothing at all for him. He was also angry at me after we split, everything was my fault and that’s when I cut him off and went no contact. Love my weekends now not having to pander to his wants and wishes, cleaning up after him etc. I’ve isolated myself really and guess that’s my way of getting through it. I hardly see anyone apart from work and that’s exactly how I like it.

      I agree with KIP about the money, you fight for it, it’s yours. You’re not alone feeling like this! Xx

    • #87989
      Getmylifeback
      Participant

      God (detail removed by moderator) had him on the phone again , 4th time (detail removed by moderator) going over same stuff. I need to apologise to him, I need to accept I’m the lowest of the low…

    • #87991
      diymum@1
      Participant

      call the police and text him saying he needs to contact you only thru the solicitor – this is harassment xx

    • #87992
      HunkyDory
      Participant

      I had exactly the same gmlb. Tell him to stop harassing you and you’re not going to answer the phone any more. Have some peace. It’s awful when they are relentless like that going on and on about the same old stuff XX

    • #87993
      KIP.
      Participant

      You owe him nothing. While contact continues, your mental health will continue to decline. He vents at you. Making him feel better and you feel worse. Change your number. Buy a cheap payg phone for him or keep a sim for him. The abuse will get worse until he wears you down. Suggest contact via email only and let a third party open it. You need to take back control here. He wants you to change your mind. They are incessant until you do. Even then he will find something else to abuse you over. You are not his verbal punchbag anymore x

    • #87994
      diymum@1
      Participant

      exactly you have no legal obligation for you to have to be intouch – third party will help you heal xx i had to do this best thing i did x

    • #88248
      Getmylifeback
      Participant

      Thanjbyou everyone.

      I told him on (detail removed by moderator) in my uncertain terms that f this behaviour confined I WILL be talking the police as it’s harassment. He disagreed but has backed off for now…

      I’m now keeping a diary ready for it to rear up again.

      I am struggling to be civil when I see him, he had the audacity to ask me why I was being hard work and off with him. I said what do you expect when you speak to me like s**t all weekend and his answer is what do i expect. Seriously he’s such a bell end 🤬

    • #88249
      HunkyDory
      Participant

      Hi gmlb, can’t you go no contact with him? Deal with any joint things through a third party? You’re trying to be civil but he will just keep on until you flip or he eventually reels you back in by being nice. That’s their goal unfortunately.

      You’ll feel so much better, calmer and happier if you have no contact at all with him. It is hard but well worth it xx

    • #88274
      diymum@1
      Participant

      it does get to the point where third party is the only way as they back us into a corner otherwise. its not worth letting the anxiety keep on because its very hard to get anxiety to settle when its been going on for a long duration xx that’s what I found – I wasted about (detail removed by moderator) years trying to be civil over child contact xx he just wouldn’t stop

    • #88385
      Camel
      Participant

      Hi GMLB

      Is it any wonder that you feel nothing for this man who has subjected you to all manner of abuse and continues to do so?

      It seems to me that to a large extent his words are still having an effect. He’s trying to bully you into submission. He’s repeatedly telling you what kind of person you are (selfish, cold, money grabbing, etc) which is making you doubt your own reality. But if you think about it, would you agree that the words he uses better describe him and his behaviour?

      He’s probably also attempting emotional blackmail, losing weight when you’re not there to feed him. And presenting himself as the faultless ‘victim’ of alcoholism that you should pity and emotionally prop up, especially as he’s notched up rehab.

      You don’t have to engage with this man any more. You have left him – you don’t need to negotiate. You don’t have to placate him or explain yourself. You don’t have to take his calls. Make sure you have voicemail set up on your mobile. Could you divert calls to a landline with a recorder? Ask work to screen your calls.

      There isn’t a hint of n********m in your behaviour. You don’t care for him because he’s not worthy of your care.

    • #88464
      ultimatelyStrong
      Participant

      I think it really depends on the person and the type of abuse. I have more than one abusive ex. And I have different feelings with both. One I am still very much in the cycle of abuse with and find myself caring very much about him. Missing him. Dreaming about getting back together. The other I don’t care about, wish he’d get a girlfriend and leave me alone etc etc. Neither is wrong, it’s just the way it is. I feel like the latter is a healthier way to be, and I’m working on reaching the same level of indifference with both.

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