Very anxious and scared again. Been very down mentally.

[M1dn1ght]

Hi,

Just been feeling like I’m walking on eggshells again. He is away all evening and it makes me feel so good to be home alone. This morning we didn’t argue over anything, he just got into a weird mood and I got a threat that if he was in a bad mood he would kill me there and then. Every other day he keeps picking fights with me, where he is reminding me of things I have said to him before or what I did (which even his family confirmed that those things are nothing bad when I explained it to them) He makes it out as if I was cheating on him or humiliated him in the worst way possible and I know that I didn’t do any of that it’s just him exaggerating and adding his own fantasies into reality.

He keeps playing with my head trying to convince me how bad of a person I am. That I am a twisted and dangerous person. But I never got an explanation of how I am ‘dangerous’. I keep hearing that I am mentally not stable, a maniac and how I could hurt someone. I HAVE NEVER EVEN BEEN IN A FIGHT MY LIFE NOT EVEN AS A CHILD! I know it is pointless to argue and say that I am not a pshyco and that I wouldn’t do any of those things that he says!
I am so tired of being accused of cheating, nevermind that in all the years I have never even texted or talked to another man in a flirty way. Or that I want to cheat on him but he thinks I don’t do it because I am scared of him.. NO! I don’t do it because I am not that type of person to do such things. I know he is flirting and texting with other women ( I’ve seen it with my own eyes ) and he did that while I was next to him at home! And whenever I confronted him about it, he lied to my face saying he didn’t do it!
I know he still does that, but I just don’t care anymore. This was the last thing that really made me to realise how badly I want to leave. This was on top of all the physical and sexual abuse I went through with him.
I just feel so s**t about myself because every minute of everyday I have to pretend how much I love him and I want future with him when in reality I find him repulsive, I only do that because I know if I don’t I will get badly abused again.

It sucks that I can’t talk to my family about it for my own safety. And I have no friends to ask for help.
I’m still frying my head everyday of trying to think of ways to leave as soon as I can, but not forgetting that I have very little money.

[Lisa]

Hi M1dn1ght,

Thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about what is happening at the moment and how you are feeling.

Are you able to contact our Live Chat service to chat to Women’s Aid worker in confidence? Live Chat is currently open 10am-6pm every day. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

I hope posting on the forum is helping, there is support here for you so please do keep posting when you are able to.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[KIP.]

Your situation is incredibly dangerous. What he’s doing is illegal. He’s gaslighting you, making you feel crazy. Talk to your GP. TALK TO the police. Contact your local women’s aid x abuse thrives on silence x there’s a national domestic abuse helpline too x

[M1dn1ght]

I do realise that it is him who is not mentally stable and not me. My guess he is doing this to make himself feel better for making me feel like c**p and that’s his way to charge his ego and bring me and my self esteem as much as possible.

[KIP.]

The trouble is he is mentally stable and knows exactly what he is doing. He is abusing you deliberately and is very much in control of himself mentally and physically but he chooses abuse. Talk to your local women’s aid x

[Chickadee]

Hi Again –

http://www.refuge.org.uk

Free National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247

Stay Safe/Prayers

[Author]

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