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    • #131664
      squisher
      Participant

      Hello there, this is all very new to me and I don’t really know where to start. Im in a terrible place and I’m at the end of my tether. I feel so confused and angry with myself. I desperately want out of this situation but why can’t I leave him. I’ve become scared of so many things, i have no children, my dog is the only thing that’s kept me going through all of this the past (detail removed by Moderator) years and he’s now (detail removed by Moderator) and my mum and dad are in their (detail removed by Moderator).im absolutely petrified of having to go through the heartache of losing them on my own as I have very few friends around me. I’m choosing to stay with an abusive functioning alcoholic rather than have to go through things like loss on my own. I have recently been signed off work with post traumatic stress and now I’ve been issued a formal absence warning which has just made me feel so much worse. He has turned so many people against me, everyone believes I am controlling him because of the act he puts on in front of people and now I feel so alone and powerless because some days he can be nice and im constantly craving these days, im so tired and confused. Please help me.

    • #131666
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Hey, you poor thing, just want to show some support.
      I left an abusive relationship recently. I will be moving into my parents who are in their (detail removed by Moderator). But I do not fear loosing them, why do you think you will loose your parents soon?
      I bet there are lots of charities out there that would support with loss.
      Do you think your abuser will be very supportive if you went through a loss?
      I know my ex wasn’t supportive.. he may pretend infront of other people..It’s normal for them to get others on their side. I have cut contact with any mutual friends. I want a fresh start and they do not understand my side because he has gaslighted them aswell as he did me.

      Can you find any old friend who you may have lost touch with?
      Can you join a local group of some sort, like a Rock Choir, anything, a local DA support group, communities run lots of things to help people who are alone and need support.
      You can always find support, you can always find the strength. You are not alone, you can talk on here, you can find your local DA services who may be able to assign you a Support worker(mine did and i can call her anytime). There all sorts of things I see suggested on here about other services that offer support when you may not have much of your own support. I cannot remember the names now sorry, I would also ask your GP for what support you can get. You can self refer to IESO.

      I would really recommend reading You can heal your life by Shannon Thomas. It sounds like you need to build yourself up to feel strong enough on your own. To be strong enough to seek all the support you deserve. To be strong enough to leave.

      Sending love & strength

    • #131692
      Lottieblue
      Participant

      Hi there @squisher,

      Everyone here knows how you feel so you are most definitely not alone. I have left my (long) marriage and it was a real leap of faith but the thing that made it possible was support. It’s like that exercise they do in drama classes, where you have to fall backwards into the arms of your peers, and you just have to trust that they are going to catch you. Right now you don’t have that. So you need to start building up your support. This could be friend/s, family – not everyone finds this easy, so think outwards a bit… speak to your GP, your local Women’s Aid… perhaps a lawyer. The feeling that you have people “on your team” is incredibly empowering and really makes you feel that there are people that have your back and you are not alone. Keep coming back here. This was such a mammoth thing for me. I was exchanging PM’s with three or four people when everything came to a head and I was fearing for, at the least, my sanity, at the most, my life. I couldn’t do it alone any more. I felt like a puppet and that I had handed other people the strings.

      After I had left, I kept on building and trusting. I moved house so I moved GP. I got a new WA support worker. I joined a Freedom Programme. I allowed my family to wrap me up and look after me. I got a therapist. I felt so weak, powerless, I just knew I couldn’t do it on my own. Recently I have found the lawyer who will work with me. I’m not moving forwards with that yet but I know I’ve added her to my team so that feels positive.

      Keep coming back. Just keep coming. We are all so fortunate to have this forum. I genuinely believe it has saved so many lives. There are some very, very wise people on here.

      We are all with you. x*x

      • #131699
        squisher
        Participant

        I just wanted to thank you for your messages, i feel so lost and unusual, almost numb, so hard to explain, like I’m looking down on myself from above. I am desperate for some kind of in person support and I so wish I had friends and family to be there but it feels like everyone has turned their backs on me because I haven’t left. I think they’re irritated and frustrated with me and can’t understand why I don’t just get up and leave, im constantly asking myself the same thing and I wish i knew the answer but I feel mentally trapped. When All I want is for someone to be there for me and help me feel strong enough to deal with all this,instead everyone just gets fed up with it. Im extremely confused and absolutely petrified of what’s happening to me, im being sick and having panic attacks daily which just makes him angrier and more frustrated with me i just want this all to stop but don’t know how. I turned (detail removed by moderator) and I feel ive wasted (detail removed by moderator) important years of my life, i was promised a family, marriage, house and now nothing. But still I can’t leave because my stupid pathetic brain won’t let me.

    • #131725
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      I understand how you feel Squisher, LottieBlue is right, this forum is life saving. I wouldn’t of gotten out if it wasn’t for this forum and the amazing women here. Abuse is so so complicated, people just don’t understand, which is why you feel like you do with your friends and family.
      I found, the best thing was to find support from people who understood abuse. So that was this forum, Womens aid and my local DA charity, you can just chat at first online. Only after I actually left did I start opening up more to my family. People who truly love you, will be supportive, you don’t need to tell them everything, they don’t need to have the right advice, as that’s really tricky for them. All you need to know is that they are there for you. I hope that makes sense. But it was really what got me the strength to leave. Crying in my mums arms and her comforting me was one of the best things that happened before I left.
      Try YouTube, like Dr Ramani, I like Dr Denise Dart and Vivian Mcgrath, they can help validate how your feeling. They definitely helped me.
      Keep posting here xx

    • #131775
      Lottieblue
      Participant

      @squisher have you been to your gp?
      I want to say again that how you are feeling is not unusual. It’s incredibly difficult to explain, I know, and I don’t know why it happens. I was like that before I left. I think the best explanation is that you lose your sense of self. That’s the outer body experience you are talking about. That you are no longer real. It is horrible and really scary. I felt hollowed out, like there was simply nothing left.
      At the time I could make no sense of it at all, but it’s because we are treated like a nobody that we eventually start to feel like one.

      Your GP is a really good starting point. X

    • #131843
      squisher
      Participant

      Hi Lottieblue, yes, i have been to my GP, i am on antidepressants and have been for a while, I’ve have been signed off but upon returning to work got a formal warning about my absence which has just exacerbated the whole thing because If I lose my job, I’ll be trapped here. I just feel like ive got nothing left now, i am just so confused as I used to be so strong minded and confident in what I did. I feel like the whole world has turned against me, i have never felt so frightened in my entire life. I’m so so sorry for being so down, it ends up making people stay away from me when I desperately need them to be there.

    • #132024
      Bee1
      Participant

      Dear Squisher,
      You can…
      You really can move on from where you are now. I feel for you I honestly do, like everyone in here, it’s hard to see through the fog, I know the overwhelmingly messy scribbles in your mind about how to
      leave. Believe me, it was the last thing I wanted to do, but I HAD to get real,and acknowledge that he just will not and is unable to change into what I HOPED he was.

      I had to force off my rose tinted spectacles and realise that MY life is not going to be wasted on sorting his constant mental chaos.
      Impossible.
      You have come this far dear lady, and I’m sure endured a whoooole lot in your relationship. The fact that you are still here, still aware, and speaking out says to me that your strength has way WAY more muscle than you realise. It’s in there hun, you can.
      So I do hope you keep going, you will know when the last straw is, i did too. Just because they make you feel worthless and weak does not make it a fact. The sun still shines behind the fog 💓 and it will warm you again when you get through this

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