Very recent split from my abusive partner

[Berlinbaby3]

I have been with my partner a long time and he can be so kind and loving but he is also very controlling and is a bully. I have tried to get away a few times but I go back and this time I am determined not to go back.

I have been dealing with cancer and had (removed by moderator) operations over the past (removed by moderator) and its been hard. He has not been supportive but instead very critical, telling me I am boring these days and need to try harder. I have been struggling with pain and have not felt strong enough to get him out of my life.

I am a (removed by moderator) and work with (removed by moderator)  and a couple of weeks ago I found (removed by moderator) and it has really upset me. I noticed my partner was nice at first then became annoyed I was still upset and it was at that point I realised I had had enough and told him it was over.

I really dont want to go back and feel stronger than I have in the past. He sent me a text telling me (removed by moderator) but he hasnt and I have been feeling tense and it just feels like another game. I just want to know how other people moved on and didnt go back

[Wants To Help]

Hi Berlinbaby,

You have certainly been through a very difficult time over the past few years. I hope you are responding well to your cancer treatment and are on the road to a full recovery.

Your ex sounds very selfish and totally unsupportive. Anything that takes your focus away from him he sees as distracting and he wants your attention back on him again. These men call us all of these horrible names, criticise us and make out we’re so awful. So what makes THEM stay with us? If we’re that bad, why don’t they just leave!

You say you don’t want to go back to him this time, what is it that is making you fear you may go back? He is already showing he is unreliable by not following up with his email. If the email ends up telling you how sorry he is and how much he’s missing you please don’t be fooled by it.

I’m sorry you have been traumatised by an incident at work involving the death of one of your clients. Dealing with death whilst at work is not something that people tend to deal with generally so I should imagine this will have an impact on you. Especially if it was unexpected, especially if he’d been dead a while, especially if you’ve not had to deal with a dead body before. Are your employers offering you any support at work for this? They should be offering you some, they should be doing some follow up checks to see how you’re coping.

You say your ex was supportive at first but is now annoyed. Again, that is because your thoughts and care are towards someone else, not him. How dare you be spending time thinking about someone else and being upset by it!

You are absolutely right to not want to go back to him this time. You are starting to acknowledge and accept that his behaviour is abuse and not something that you can make excuses for any more. Once we stop making excuses for their abuse and irrationally allowing ourselves to justify it we can start to see the situation more clearly for what it is. You may be feeling tense because you are now expecting an email but you don’t actually want it. You may be anxious that he will tell you how much he loves and misses you and are worried how you will respond to that. If it’s going to make you feel stronger then delete it without reading it. In order to move forward from him try and have zero contact. You owe him no response at all.

[Berlinbaby3]

Many thanks Wants To Help, for your email,it has really helped and yes you are right in everything you have said. I have not spoken about this with my family and friends as I feel very foolish for staying with him so long. He has never liked my family or friends and has caused a lot of arguments and I have lost friends because of defending him…I feel really bad for defending such a terrible person.

I have received no email and dont care if I do as I have had a good afternoon and am feeling more relaxed than I have in a long time. My health is good and I think recovering from cancer is what has finally given me the confidence to say I have had enough

I really appreciate you taking the time to make a comment

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