Very tired and confused today.

[Eve1]

I have been on a long walk today with my daughter (she is feeling happier and more positive today than she has for a while, which is wonderful) and now I feel quite exhausted. I’m still going over in my mind, why I rang this man who is definitely some kind of n**********c abuser and then everything he said. He was kind and listened and is articulate (m uch more than my abusive ex was, which I think was a big draw for me, I got a lot of silent treatment from my ex). I know now he will probably contact me and I will have to be strong and not respond. And obviously I am not feeling strong at the moment. It’s also made me go over and over in my mind my long marriage to my abusive ex and it’s exhausting me. It’s also worse at the moment as he (the ex) is obviously giving my daughter attention when she is at his (he used to ignore her and give attention to our son, who no longer goes so regularly) and she obviously feels positive about him. This makes me feel something undescribable, fear, annoyance, frustrating at not being able to say outright that he is manipulating her. I hope one day she will realise what he’s really like, but I can see that that is some way off.

I would love to think that some where in my future I will have a happy, proper relationship with a man. But I’ve had such bad ones, starting with my Dad, I can’t look at a man at the moment and just imagine he could be a good man. It doesn’t seem possible. It makes me very sad.

Eve
x

[Falling Skys]

Hi Eve

So pleased your daughter is having a more positive day.

I think its hard for us to ever trust men again, if you are like me I’m learning who I am, may be in the future I will be ready for a partner but not yet.

My mother says love comes when you least expect it.

FS xx

[Serenity]

Hi Eve,

I am sorry that you are still suffering and are still struggling to break bonds with this man. I hope that time will help you realise that you deserve more. A great many abusers are good speakers, silver tongued and give the impression of being caring, but I think you need to look at how people treat others ( not just the ones they are trying to impress, like you) to get the full picture of what this person is capable of.

I am glad your daughter seems happier. I fully understand your terror regarding her relationship with her father. You don’t want her to be hoodwinked, used or led astray.

My GP told me I can’t control my ex’s actions, only my own. Carry on being a loving mother who listens: they will come to you with their concerns. Kids know where they are loved and I think- like my kids- your daughter might wish to smooth the jagged edges of her life by saying that she has some kind of a relationship with her father rather than none; however, as you know, he is an abuser, and so it would be great for your daughter to feel she can talk to you about any concerns that arise with her father. My kids voice their concerns to me, and somehow I mostly manage to feign calmness and answer their questions objectively, even if I am hurting, because I need to know that they feel they can come to me. No doubt your ex will neglect or mistreat her at some point, and she will need you all the more.

As far as your worries about a future relationship: you have learned a great deal, and I am sure that in the future you will ex’s me to have a good relationship with someone, but I think like me, maybe you’re not in the right place yet. I suppose we need to get to that point of really knowing who we are and protecting our own selves fiercely, as we would our own children.

I think we need to wind our way back from the abuse to the point that we find and like ourselves before we are ready for a healthy relationship. We need to get to a point where we aren’t worried about being assertive, don’t feel guilty for saying no, know what we need and don’t feel guilty doing things for ourselves. As givers, this is a hard thing for us to learn to do.

I read a quote this week:

“I’m not searching for my other half
because I’m not a half.”

X

[Serenity]

I suppose when we stop feeling like half a person ( due to our abusers ) and have a clear idea of who we are and what we need, and we are passionate about defending this, then we are ready to have a good relationship ( because we won’t be vulnerable to being pressurised in unhealthy ways, allow ourselves to feel guilty for saying no, and we won’t do whatever the other person tells us for fear of losing them- because we won’t want to lose ourselves! ) X

[Eve1]

Thank you both. I sometimes just need to feel loved, I think.

Serenity, I will keep your words. They definitely help me.

Eve
x

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