Very weird and confusing week!

[Cloudyskys]

Hi lovely people,

Saw my therapist at the beginning of the week and at the end asked his opinion on my relationship. He wouldn’t really say anything except that it was important for me not to play the victim. I was very confused by this and wondered if maybe he didn’t believe me. Anyway I came to the conclusion that that’s the idea to make us stronger we shouldn’t be a victim! I don’t know, I really don’t get the d**n brain.
I’ve told a few friends about what’s been going on and they’ve been very supportive and this week I told my mum that I thought he was a bit controlling. Her reaction horrified me! She said he’s been controlling me and putting me down since I started seeing him along with the males in his family. She also said that my Dad has been in tears over the way he treats me and others in the family try to avoid him.
(detail removed by Moderator) I had a conversation with husband and I don’t know how it came about but I ended up saying that I’ve given up a lot in my life so he can get his career. He was angry at first and then said we need to work so I can get some of the things I want and then turned it round and made me feel so guilty and I ended up downplaying it and saying I made the decisions myself even though deep down I think it’s because of his controlling ways.
(detail removed by Moderator) he said to me, he was sorry we had to have that conversation (detail removed by Moderator).
Now I feel awful and that maybe he’s not abusive, that I’ve got a sick mind and I’m just making it up. The bit said by my therapist earlier in the week has not helped me thoughts. Aaaaah! I’m lost!

Xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Cloudyskys

Ouch! The reaction of your therapist must have hurt. That is really not what you want to hear when being brave enough opening up to someone. I think his response was really insensitive.
You are never ‘playing’ the victim in an abusive relationship, you ARE the victim!! Then you turn into a survivor! You should have received validation from your therapist, instead of blame. My therapist said outright what a (insert swearword here) my ex is. I was shocked and so very relieved, I laughed! This is what you want to hear! You want to be validated, understood, helped forward to gain clarity so you can decide what to do.
Please consider changing therapist. You need someone fully by your side.

Your husband does sound abusive, very manipulative and controlling. Look up
‘cycle of abuse’
‘Abusive power and control’
Also read about ‘trauma bonding’
Start journalling how you feel after each abusive incidents, including the nice times, you will see a pattern emerge. Sweet/cruel/tension building phases. And round it goes.

Please don’t discuss any of your thoughts with your husband, the very person who creates all this hurt for you will be the last to comfort or give you clarity, quite the opposite, he will hurt you more to keep you placed down way below him, under his absolute control.
Stay safe!

Trust your parents and family, they are all avoiding your husband because they are able to see straight through his ways.
Continue opening up to your parents, family and friends, they were right to avoid him, this plays so much into your favour you have no idea, this means they won’t be manipulated as flying monkeys by him against you. They are all standing by your sides since day one. This is so very positive 💪☀️

Please contact Women’s Aid as well to talk your situation through, you need all the validation and support available to keep a clear head, gather as much information as you can to keep safe.
You are doing fine honey, keep going & keep posting 😘

[Watersprite]

ITS NOT YOU IT IS HIM!
Listen to your family and reach out for their support and listen to your guts. This doubting business is sooo common it’s how our brain copes to manage dealing with living with abusers and it’s also because they are masters at creating smoke and mirrors and shifting blame – it’s gaslighting. Time and getting them out of our lives forever brings a very different picture and we can start being objective once more. Keep moving forwards keep asking for support. You’ve got this ! X

[Lotus20]

I just want to give you some support. Totally feel how you feel in away that you feel you’re going crazy and it’s your sensitivity or lack of ability to sacrifice more. I go through therapy all the time that I was dating and living with my abuser. Unfortunately the therapy was to focused on what I brig to the relationship rather than what makes me feel the way I felt. Hence I stayed in the abusive relationship with the help of my therapy just to be able to bare more abuse and to be a little more assertive and say what I feel to hum with no confrontation. And this did not go to my advantage only prolonged the abuse and I became a survivor and only long after I realised what a mistake is to focus on the past without looking into what’s happening right now.

I hope you follow your gut feelings and is best to have your family and best friends in your side.

Best wishes,

[KIP.]

Make sure your therapist is fully trained and experienced in dealing with domestic abuse. Otherwise it can definitely make things worse. My therapist suggest I talk to my ex about a trial separation. This is the most dangerous time for a woman when she ends the relationship. Got me assaulted and could have got me killed.

[Cloudyskys]

Saw my therapist again and asked what he meant about the victim thing. He explained it it all makes sense now, it seems to be along the lines of becoming a survivor so I feel much better about this now.

He also confirmed my thoughts about my husband’s controlling, manipulation and abuse. It was a very useful session and I feel more positive. Like you said HopeLifeJoy, I was relieved and the relief was immeasurable. He also talked about the cycle of abuse but without using those exact words.

I won’t talk to him about these mattered again because I can see now that he just manipulated the situation. Wow! It just feels so wrong to not talk to him about everything. I feel like I’m hiding a nasty secret But I know it’s potentially dangerous. I’m pretty scared of what the future may hold at the moment but happy I’ve got people around to help.

I’m so glad you were ok KIP

Thank you so much for your replies, it really does mean a lot.

Xx

[KIP.]

Hey your therapist sounds switched on. Have you read Living with the Dominator. Although therapy was great for me, that book and my local women’s aid opened my eyeS to it all and they were there to support me all the way to freedom x

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