Victim Blaming

[Anonymous]

I keep being told that it is my fault that I ended up where I am, that I should have known how he’d turn out and should have stayed away. That it’s my fault for choosing to be with him.. any idea on how I can educate family about how this?

[Sleepy]

It may be difficult. Guess you could start with the basic idea of when you start a friendship you don’t know what it’s going to be like. Did they ever have a friend they thought that was ok at first but turned out not to be?
If you’re like me and your family could ‘see’ what he was like, like mine seemed to, whereas I was blind to what he was like, certainly at first, it may be difficult. Thankfully my family don’t seem to be blaming me, I’m the one doing that!
Maybe I should asK myself the above question!

[Wants To Help]

It’s always so easy for families to criticise isn’t it. I’m pretty sure you didn’t enter this relationship asking to be abused, but what families and friends struggle with is why we keep going back or continue to remain with them when they can see that the relationship is so toxic/volatile/violent. They are not educated, they do not understand the ‘Barriers To Leaving’.

Try the friend suggestion as Sleepy suggested, I like that. People are not always who they think we are, master manipulators have a plan that we don’t know about. They are cunning.

A really good example of this is the current Netflix documentary Filthy Rich about Jeffrey Epstein. He had a master plan behind every move he made, yet he successfully manipulated many, many people for his own gain and greed, not just young girls either. It is amazing how power and influence can keep you prisoner, even when there is nothing to stop you walking away.

[Anonymous]

Not so sure it’s your responsibility to do so.

If you are still with this person, I can understand their frustration. I get it. They might not know how to say things or how to rattle your tree in order to get you out of danger. I get that too. The only one who can empower you to get away from this danger is actually – you. Beating you with a ballbat doesn’t work for most people, especially when they are in the thick of it. But I have been known to pour a bucket of cold water on someone and yank them out of a burning building when they wouldn’t go.

And people don’t get just how horrible being in this ball of strangling vines and such really is. If they have never been in it, then they don’t know. You have to get your support from people who actually know the ins and outs of what’s going on. Tons of support here. But you have to decide what you want. You have to decide if you can continue dealing with and suffering from abuse? It’s natural to love an abuser, Stockholm Syndrome comes to mind…. They condition you, manipulate you, rewire your brain to basically be the one they steal energy from all the time, etc. We get to where even a scrap from the table is like a fullblown wonderful meal. The lines get blurred, the abuser becomes your savior, the fog sets in and you start believing their lies. Trouble is, we do have earthquakes in our being that wants to vomit up all the poison and we feel it, we do. Just have to turn up that noise and listen to it. Lies are like that. They don’t go down well. Our authentic self wants to attack it like a virus and actually it is very much like something viral or parasitic.

I don’t have any respect for victim blaming, whether family or not. It’s not respect and not helpful at all but like I said, maybe you not spending your precious energy trying to defend or educate might be wise. You are here and for a reason. So how can we help you with support? There is a “Book List” on here that has tons of books, etc. Sounds like you need some affirmation and nothing like seeing it in print and go Oh Wow! Someone else knows!!! All the ladies here know as well. We have quite the sisterhood here. And if one can’t say something right, someone else will.

[Anonymous]

A good website for you is – Thepullofgrace.com. Look for the article about – Why I Stayed.

[Author]

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