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    • #75249

      Hello ladies,

      I have recently been struggling with what happened in the aftermath of leaving.

      Without going in to detail (which I can’t obviously) …this is the dynamic…which I am sure is victim-blaming, the trouble is, even though I know it is, on some level – I still blame myself…!

      Situation in broad brush strokes and anonymised:

      When I left – I wasn’t supported by more than one of my siblings. In fact they wrote letters to the family court saying I was a cxxp mum, “mentally ill” and if my child were to live with me, they would be seriuously emotionally damaged.

      Thanks guys. The buckets of tears I cried over this over the years could fill several oceans.

      Needless to say my child top of the class at school e.t.c …years later…
      So how come I am a cxxp mum?

      I don’t cry about this anymore – and drew my boudnaries around these people years ago. My main view and to an extent I shut down on this one emotionally – was that the more time I spent trying ot interact with them, the less time and energy I would have for me and my child.

      In the wake of what I did, one sibling has called me ‘selfish’ (to which I said – not sure how I am this as generally I put someone first (my child) 24/7….)

      With another sibling (I found an email recently) – after she did what she did – including criticising my child to their face when they were only very young on contact with their dad, which resulted in them coming home in tears….

      …after this and the family court stuff I asked her not to contact me unless it was through my solicitor

      …much later in an email, I pointed out she had not been supportive to my child or contacted them not even a birthday card…

      she replied that this was ‘my fault’ as I had not given her the soliciotrs address…..(?)
      at the time, you would think, wouldn’t you, that someone who had left for refuge ,
      not received the support of siblings and had to build a new life from scratch

      e.t.c. would hardly have had the energy to engage with contact with such a person through their solicitor…(which I didn’t, amid the fear, guilt, exhaustion of it all etc.)

      Can anyone see through this dynamic? I kind of know it is victim blaming but need to step outside of it.

      any thoughst, thank you for posting

      ftc
      x

    • #75250
      diymum@1
      Participant

      yeh this one is familiar my oldest child holds me as the scape goat – so the scape goat is the responsible family memner, the one who speaks the truth but is seen as much weaker. therefore we are easier to victimise (supposedly) and we take the blame for their toxicity. Its all about denial and projection. basically a toxic families way of not accepting responsibilty. my daughter recently said i was emotionally abusing her and her fathers side of the family for going no contact. i did that for a good reason to protect my youngest daughter – i had no intention of hurting anyone in the process but had no choice, it was the only thing i could do to stop the crazy making. i was reading about this recently and its very common in toxic families its the divide a rule concept to keep power and control. the example that i read was jesus dying on the cross to save and wash away other peoples sins. im not religious and strike me down but in this day that does sound quite dramatic although he was the picture of goodness. so hold your head high ftc i get you on this one i am very much the scape goat in my own dynamics xx

    • #75271
      fizzylem
      Participant

      I’ve always been the ‘nightmare’, the ‘trouble causer’, the ‘problem child’ in the family, of course I am none of these, it’s more that I am the truth seeker. Nowadays I have opted out of each of these toxic relationships; I very much view that I can’t change these people, that the change needs to come from them. I cant allow myself to get pulled into their drama anymore, that time has gone, and I won’t stand for their vile or crazy behaviours – by opting out I view this as a peaceful protest.

      I can see how they could easily turn on me and say I cut people off and that I am mentally ill, even though I have said a number of times, if you are willing to take responsibilty then I’d be open to talking things through – no one has come forward lol. I know they could be very damaging in court, especially as there are three of them with the same story.

      These people basically don’t see you do they, they dont know and treasure you for being you. It can feel difficult to manage where there are numbers of them, when you find yourself in the midst of the dysfunction, the only way forwards really is to cut ties and surround yourself with those who do love you for you, and those who are genuinely compassionate, selfless souls.

      I’m not suprised you shut down emotionally to this, it was so very hard to deal with at a time when you needed bags of love and support, not only did they not give this to you, they also added to the distress.

      Maybe it is now time to let them go for good? Psychologically and emotionally? Let them go completely? Feel happy you made the right and only decison? Families have become estranged for a lot less than what happened here. Whatever it is happening here now for you, it clearly requires a lot of courage to face it and to go through the processing of it.

      Think we focus on what we can do and not on what we cant, and what is important, we simply dont have the energy for anything else, especially when it is energy zapping; our children and our own health and wellbeing have to come first and last; so there’s not much room left after that is there ftc. Wishing you peace and power x

    • #75273

      I so much appreciate these posts. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
      ftc
      x

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