7th February 2019 at 11:28 am #71957
Ok, so when our patner’s are vile, abusive and violent we end the relationship and go no contact; but what do we do when our children become this way too?
She’s taken a lot from counselling, and while I think she needs to continue, she says she wants to end, and I get this, she needs a break from it. I’ll offer her this as option again, and I know she’s had a positive experience, so when the time is right I think she’ll go back – it’s an on-going process yes? Counselling.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, feel like I say the same thing over and over again, have lost count of the number of times I removed the xbox gah! Doesn’t seem to change things.
As we’re living at mums temporarily, her lifestyle is not as it should be, so I get this doesnt help, thinking when we have our own place and space again, routine and healthier lifestyle is in place this will help no end, eg, she cant have friends for sleepovers atm. She does get more time on her devices than I would like. Try to keep her active with sports, get her involved in cooking, and all devices are turned off at 8pm – as I now have apps for this, there really is no arguement to be had!
Talk about how to deal with anger, agree strategies together.
I feel scared of her as soon as the attitude rears, I try to get out of the way, this is not always possible. Being a single parent means I cant lay down what needs to happen here and soothe her, she doesnt want to listen to anything I say in this moment. Find I can offer soothing but only much later after the erruption has passed.
All leaves me feeling so powerless to help and sad for her, but also worried about the future and the trouble losing her temper will bring if we cant get it under wraps. Some of its natural, meaning this is where she is devlopmentally yes, but most of it is anger about her situation now, the difficult relationship with dad past and present and past trauma.
7th February 2019 at 11:43 am #71959
Just wanted to add, CAMHS is not an option as there is an 18mth wait in my area.
7th February 2019 at 12:18 pm #71961maddogParticipant
I know where you’re coming from re CAMHS. The service does not exist in my area. My daughter has been referred a number of times over the past few years. Eventually I rang the self-referral service to learn that she has finally got a referral through. I told them I thought the service was rubbish, worse than useless and the only way they reduce the waiting list is through suicide or the prison service. I also reminded them that the ahem, music that they inflict on the waiting phone line is a form of torture and that the butchery of an art form which can so often help people out of their cocoons really should be changed. I am Madam Fury!
My daughter attacked me physically when she was above the age of criminal responsibility. I have warned her that should she ever do it again I will inform the police and they can deal with it. Both my children have learned aggressive tactics from my ex and it is harrowing to experience it and so so triggering.
It has also been awful that since the bad stuff has kicked off, I have managed to find support for myself, but despite endless gp visits, ss involvement, there has been nothing for the children until now. Keep pushing for help. It is beyond maddening. I hope you are getting enough help for yourself.
It is hard to remember that our children are not actually our abusers and that they are behaving in ways that for them is normal.
7th February 2019 at 1:03 pm #71962
Hi Fizzylem 🙂
Im reading daily wisdom by lundy Bancroft its the second one that’s the encouragement of women involved with angry and controlling men. I found this helpful because it has parenting tips al the way through it. including dealing with angry children. It says its ok to be angry as long as you can channel it and talk about it. He says anger is taking back power which is a positive. It might be a helpful read. My daughter has anger issues and I have to pull her in line constantly reminding her that she crossing my boundaries and I expect her to be respectful towards me or theres repercussions.Its not an easy age, worse than the terrible twos! but hopefully with good role models like us guys they’ll get there xx
7th February 2019 at 3:25 pm #71974
Gah! Maddog, its heartbreaking to read your words. Good for you telling them what for! Can just imagine the music you mention, made me chuckle, who on earth decided this is a good choice?! Lol. I think ruling out CAMHS leaves me thinking ok what else, what now? ‘Waiting’ for a referral to come through while time passes and the problem gets worse is no good place to be is it. You’ve done exceptionally well to get this far.
I do get the same surge of angst when she kicks off as I did when he did – I can usually almost always stay calm, despite feeling this way inside, even when I have lost it my lost it is a raised voice only, certainly no verbal attack – another model I guess – another way to deal with anger. Feels like she misses it though because she’s only seeing red and intent on winning and trying to squash me.
Its a big ask at her age, when I say try not to react from your emotions, especially on top of trauma, emotional maturity takes years to learn hey – for all of us. But if she doesn’t learn this now or over the next few years, she herself could become an abuser in adulthood.
Rightly or wrongly, I don’t know, but I have said to her it’s not your fault, learning to control anger is difficult to do, some adults struggle to do this, like dad, this is not right, so if you can learn to do this it is a really great thing.
Have just ordered the book diymum, looks highly appropriate – thank you. Yes its about trying to harness the power in the anger, express it without attack, articulate, make it work for you not to use as a weopon, so very hard to explain to a child, I tried yesterday and got tongue tied. I’m sure the book will help a great deal.
FTC, seems such a fitting user name you’ve got there when you talk about empowering your daughter.
I think I could work a bit harder at this, I would love to be where you are, help her to make her own sound choices, but at present she will always opt for dont care, not doing it if given the choice. I think as parents this is what we are aiming for isnt it, to support them in a way that enables them to make their own positive choices. I am going to try and focus on giving her ‘choices’ in everything we do more, to see if when I really need her to make a positive choice this helps, cheers lovelies x
7th February 2019 at 1:29 pm #71963freedomtochooseParticipant
Mine is not violent but certainly angry at times.
I too find it very difficult as a single parent – to wait, until the storm blows over and indeed not to react.
I’ve noticed though, if I do, I generally get an apology. So that is what I am working on right now for myself. Ways and means of stepping back and not getting roused.
Background of da or not, I’m sure re devices that every parent in this country has the same battle with switched them off/boundaries etc. With the app sounds like you are doing well.
Just another thought, I have the feeling that mine reacts differently to me setting boundaries. Somehow she seems to come up with her own, if I leave her to it. Which kind of flies in the face of every parenting site I’ve ever come across…something to do with needing more autonomy. That make sense?
you are not aloen with this
7th February 2019 at 4:04 pm #71977
Its a really good book to give you both a sense of healing – I feel like ive taken a lot of comfort from reading it. We all share the fact that dv has played a part in what our children have seen. The guilt is there and in all honesty I wasn’t sure how I was going to help my little girl through her anger. It seem that we can work through our anger just like any other feeling. I find that reassuring in itself I suppose its about them learning to go about this in a positive way. Holding in any emotion isn’t good xx this is hard but with the good mums they have they stand a great chance of turning out just fine 🙂 xx diy
7th February 2019 at 4:09 pm #71979
Mine does aplogise, sometimes its really heart felt, others times I think not so much. It feels reminiscent now though (like him), like there’s now been way too many apologies and no change in behaviour, so the apology means very little.
Just read this DIYMUM ‘you deserve to be seen and treasured for who you are’ – don’t we! Love that. Have decided to start little discussion about this one line later with her. Thank you! x
7th February 2019 at 6:23 pm #71982
Don’t laugh but I’m turning my negatives up sides down. If we can train our kids to be respectful like our exs trained us to tolerate their disrespect then so be it a lesson learned. I’ve cuddled up with my little one every night since I started reading this and am passing my knowledge on to her. My thinking is she will sleep on it so to speak xx as long as in the end they realise treating people well comes first, always. Also to stand up to the bullies without fear xx 💕 💕 DIY
7th February 2019 at 10:39 pm #71989White RoseParticipant
I used to forget what my daughter had experienced I kept seeing her as fighting against everything I felt was good, rebelling against school/learning/eating/me/getting up/washing/tidying up etc etc.
She turned her anger on property – things in her room structures in the house and said viscious things to me. She sees the property damage she caused every single day as I’ve not repaired it and I’m not going to just yet as I need to know she remember just how bad she got.
She eventually took the counselling. She eventually went no contact with her dad. She’s now a pretty level headed young adult holding down a job while getting trained and she tells me I’m a great mum and a great friend and her friends tell her how lucky she is we get on so well.
What helped? Time. Consistency. Unconditional love despite absolutely hating the monster she was at her worst. And probably encouraging her to build her self esteem to allow her to realise she’s got the ability to control her dad’s contact.
Not all our children come through this time still friends with us and I firmly believe that’s nothing to do with us as mum’s, but by being co distant supportive trying not to nag about the lack of school work/personal hygiene/alcohol drugs and sex but simply provide facts and reinforce the good things good behaviours and ignore the tantrums seems to work in lots of teenager issues.
It’s definitely back to handling toddlers again but with extra baggage and strength! Anger is part of growing up it’s just on a different level when the child/young person is dealing with the abuse and uncertainty we also struggle with.
This may come over as a really positive, possibly slightly smug post but thats not my intention! I still don’t entirely trust my daughter’s moods. My anxiety escalates if she stomps up stairs or slams a door as I wonder what I’m in for next but the outbursts are far less often and getting less all the time and as she’s got older she’s even started telling me she’s feeling cross or grumpy and trying to work out what’s triggered it.
Keep doing what feels right. Try not to shout and scream at them (it doesn’t work I tried it!!!) believe in the person you know they are, set boundaries and stick to them – no x box means just that, no phones after 8pm means exactly that too.
Just be the best mum you can be and make sure you have a good support network and a good supply of chocolate for those days when nothing else seems to work.
Sending love and hugs to anyone who’s not getting that from their children at the moment x*x
8th February 2019 at 10:25 am #72003
Your not smug you’ve done amazingly well. If I can get to this point with my daughter I will be thrilled. You’ve let her let of the steam that she needed to and she come through this. It sounds like shes healing from no contact and your consistency! Its so nice to hear that a positive can be achieved after all that’s gone before. This post has gave me a big smile xx thank you for sharing this xx diy 🙂
9th February 2019 at 11:11 am #72071
Oh whiterose, I’m in tears reading your reply, smug? no way, dont know why you would think that, open and true, yes. I’m very grateful. It’s left me feeling a bit sick as well, reading what you have said is like reading my own story almost to the letter. Untterley heartbreaking. Makes me think it’s so very complex and after having experienced relationship / development trauma myself in childhood, I know only too well that the effects stay with the child for a lifetime – we can turn this round, grow and build strength and resiliance for sure, but some don’t hey and that scares me. It’s such hard work being a single parent but dealing with challenging behaviour and the difficulties the father brings, on top of not having the best health in the aftermath myself – can leave me feeling like giving up sometimes.
Drawing on the positives, I will focus on what I can do, the rages have become less often and end sooner, I can see over time she is learning – just seems to take forever and a day, guess thats’ cos I’d like it to end, and she regresses sometimes, its been a difficult week as she’s lashed out with violence a few times and hasnt done this for a while, but stepping back – there is progress. It is a big ask at her age with hormones naturally raging and emotions intensifying. Yes boundaries for sure, hard to stick to but I’m with you on that fully, totes needed – dad rubbishes mine to her, so I’m keeping a record of when I discover this – I stick to what has been set regardless.
Be the best mum I can, every day, I get down about this a bit, my best is ok and lovely, whereas before I met him and the first few years she was born, I was a lovely mum all the time – I dont beat myself up about this, its more its a sad fact – knowing things could be better and different. Again, just have to focus on what we can and not on what we cant hey I suppose.
Best foot forwards then. Thank you so much for your reply. Big hug to you – we totes get it hey – togtether through sharing we can help strengthen one another xx
9th February 2019 at 11:16 am #72072
Diymum – you are such an amazing lady, you always make me smile, I love you and I’ve never even met you lol. You’re spot on again, this is what I also want to teach, dont be fearful of bullies and treat people with compassion – we will prevail! Bed time is an excellent time to share and have these little discussions hey – I find its the one time of day she is wiling to fully engage – as it means staying up just a bit longer until it ends! lol xx
9th February 2019 at 11:24 am #72074
It helps me greatly when you are sucscinct and sumerise, wood – trees – you help me to regain my focus – so helpful, and I’m also so greatful for the wisdom you impart and suggested help guides / info – its like you’ve done all the sifting and so can now give us the really good stuff. Thanks again lovely x*x
9th February 2019 at 1:21 pm #72077
Fizzy lemon were all sisters together in this, that love is unconditional because we’ve stood in each other’s shoes and we will stand side by side xx 💕 💕 here any time for you and you’ve made my day saying that because I really do still carry my battle scars. I think your amazing you’ve done so well, your best as a mum ☺ luv diy x*x 💪 💕 ❤ ✌
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