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    • #64187
      BakingQueen
      Participant

      Hi ladies,

      I was wondering if you could share some of your experiences with me particularly around child visitation.

      I’ve been out of my abusive relationship for a while. He would regularly see our child – constantly turning up hours late and dropping him back late too – just not sticking to what I’d arranged with him.

      A while into this informal arrangement, due to the constant lateness or not turning up at all, contacted a mediator (as my aim was to then go to court and get an official arrangement in place). Of course he didnt show up to those meetings despite being aware I had arranged this.

      He then got into a serious accident which lead to a spell in hospital. I visited him and at that point he could see that I was happy without him and that I didn’t care about what he did anymore.

      Since then he appears to have lost interest in me and my son, he hasn’t turned up in months doesn’t even speak to me anymore – zero contact.

      Have any of you experienced this? I’ve seen some men years and years later don’t let go,still try and abuse from a far but my ex has just disappeared. It’s probably worth mentioning that he has a new gf so maybe he’s abusing her and getting his fix that way and when that ends maybe then I’ll hear from him.

      Also, since he’s just disappeared, is it worth going to court to force him to see our son (I’d rather not) but not having something formal in place will work against me in the long run as they manipulate that (which has been proven) but it works in my favour too because if he came back demanding to see our kid I’m strong enough to tell him where to go. It’s inevitable we will go through the court process the question is when? Now or when he surfaces from his new relationship?

      Thanks for listening x

    • #64188

      Others may disagree, but I would do the following.

      Firstly, document his lack of contact and lack of willingness to see his kids.
      Secondly, contact all the relevant organisations anyway and prepare yourself for court as you say somewhere down the line you may have to go down that route.
      So try to think ahead and think about what arrangement would suit you and do the least damage if you know what I mean.

      all best
      ftc
      x

    • #64194
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Bakingqueen,

      Thank you for your post. I would phone the helpline and get some support from your local Women’s Aid group and also I would speak to organisations such as the NSPCC and Rights of Women- http://www.nspcc.org.uk and http://www.row.org.uk to ensure I have my ducks all in a row.

      As freedomtochoose mentions, ensure that everything is documented as to his lack of contact, late contact, failure to remember birthdays etc, not turning up for mediation and then I would just wait. It would not be wise to go to court to try to force some contact and after so long with not having contact it would actually come down to being his responsibility to enforce you to allow him to have contact. Rights of Women can help confirm this with you.

      He probably thinks he is hurting you by this no contact but actually no contact is much healthier for your son and the longer it continues the more the courts will recognise that he is not wanting to be a good father.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #64201
      BakingQueen
      Participant

      Thanks Lisa and Ftc.

      I’ll make the necessary preparations and give the helpline you mentioned a call.

      So grateful for this site and valuable advise from all it’s members. X

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