Want to leave but how

[xHerex]

I want to leave but I have so many of my things at his house and I can’t take it all because I have no room to put all my belongings to where I’m going to what do I do? I want to be able to leave and never look back but I’ll have to come back to collect more of my things and that scares me I’m stuck I wish I could leave my things behind but some of them were gifts from family members or they have meaning to them I’m stuck with him I don’t want to be stuck in this relationship anymore I’ve lost all confidence in myself I feel ashamed, alone and my mental health isn’t great I feel anxious every day

[KIP.]

Could you pay for temporary storage or move things to family members houses. Talk to your local women’s aid about a safe exit plan. Your safety is more important than personal belongings. You’re going to need help leaving him safely x gather as much support as you can.

[Lisa]

Hi xHerex,

It looks as if you are new here and have just started posting on the forum, so welcome.

It’s understandable that you are feeling anxious and overwhelmed about what to do next and how to leave the relationship when you have such concerns. Please don’t feel ashamed. You are not alone in this and there are services that can start validating how you feel and assure you the shame belongs to the abuser.

As KIP has said, the next best step may be talking to your local domestic abuse service, as they can talk through all your options and help make a safety plan to leave that suits you and your circumstances. Many women have to leave behind possessions, and you should have options on what you can do about that (like storage as mentioned). A domestic abuse worker will explain this and help put measures in place.

You may want to discuss the option of going into a refuge/safe house for women fleeing domestic abuse. Once in a refuge you can get emotional/psychological support around the trauma you have experienced. Find information on what this all entails here. Also you can read through how to make a safety plan to leave on the Women’s Aid website here.

I hope this helps. Do take care and keep posting to let us know how you get on.

All the best,

Lisa

[We can do this]

I felt exactly the same as you. The thought of taking my life from his house was stopping me. I did it though and it’s not ideal but I have what I need. The rest is currently in a (removed by moderator). I took the important stuff out, ie paperwork before I actually left. The rest is just stuff. I spent years and years letting this thought cloud my judgement, it turns out I didn’t have as much belongings there as I thought. This is going to be the hardest time for you now. Take what you can if you need to go or get someone to help you if possible. Keep strong and keep your resolve. You can do this, if not today then one day you will xx

[Anonymous]

Some months after leaving (I couldnt’ and didn’t want to go back) I was mourning the loss of the things that I had to leave behind.

My support worker from refuge said to me:

‘There is nothing there that you need.’

She was very firm, calm and clear about that statement. At the time I wondered what she meant. But later I understood.

It wasn’t about things. It was about my life. And having one!

[Eyesopening]

I felt like you, i ended up packing things and sending them to where I was going. It was extremely hard on me as I was so scared he would catch me. But he didn’t. I didn’t open the parcel for quite some time after I had left, it wasn’t important. I opened the package one day and I thought, why the hell did I think these things were important enough to go to all that bother for?
Once your away you will forget anything you left. I left lots of things and I can’t even remember what it was now.
x*x

[nbumblebee]

I would love to leave so much but I cant Im no way near ready Im not good with myself and have nowhere to go but my love, if I had somewhere safe if I could trust myself and if I didnt have my kids Id go Id go with just the clothes on my back Id run and not look back. Things are just things he cant take away your memories of your loved ones and my goodness im sure if they knew your reasons for leaving they would understand.
You could as the others said you could ask someone to collect them for you once you are safe but the main thing is getting safe making that choice that really really hard choice to leave. Reach out ask for some help but dont let the thought of lost items from stopping you living a free and safer life, things get lost, broken but memories dont.
Good luck xxxxx

[Hawthorn]

Hi xHerex,

It’s awful to feel so trapped. Please do reach out for support to women’s aid. The whole issue with possessions is I think a complicated one. I never cared much about things or money before I met my abuser, I worked hard but once I had enough money to do the things I wanted, I was happy. He was very money oriented and we wound up with all the trappings of that; beautiful house, big diamond ring, lavish wedding, fancy cars and holidays….I was so miserable living in the abuse that I made myself believe that those things were important, that I cared about them too.

None of it mattered in the end. I left with just afew documents thrown into a bag. I remember looking around my beautiful home and seeing it for what it was; a gilded cage. I got some of my things back but I kept none of them. They only reminded me of a very dark time in my life, and belonged to a person I no longer was.

In the end, freedom and safety are everything. I wish you the very best on your journey, keep reaching out x*x

[xHerex]

Thank you for all your comments,support and sharing your stories too its helped alot. I’m still here but I know one day I know I’ll have the courage to just pack my things and leave

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